Jan. 3rd, 2009

kjpepper: (looking down)
This is gonna be about [livejournal.com profile] morlock, mainly directed at the Valley crowd. No bashing, no drama, I promise, just... stuff that needs saying, and a request.

I probably should have done this earlier, judging by some of the things that have been said to me in the past 24 hours. I'll admit it, once upon a time I would have welcomed the "y'all are better off apart, blah blah blah he's a bastard blah blah." stuff. Now, not so much. The thing is it doesn't matter anymore who wronged whom and to what degree. We're both hurt. There's still a very large hole in my life where even he no longer fits because he's torn himself away and it left chunks ripped out of the shape around him. I still love him. I've never stopped loving him through all of this, it would be easier if I had, I honestly don't know if I ever will, even as I try to move forward. This is shittastic, and I hate it, but I understand why he needs to cut me off, and quite frankly I make him the villain in my own story quite enough, I don't need anyone's help with that, cause, it's, you know, wrong. I am on the other side of town from blameless in all of this. So please... keep the bashing to a minimum? I don't really want to hear it, and it's not as supportive as you may think it is.

The thing that broke the camel's back was me telling him that there would be a few nights where I would not be coming home. I told him this because a couple of weeks ago I ended up staying over at [livejournal.com profile] captainlove's because it was whiteshitting like hell and he couldn't drive me home, and me being "missing" freaked [livejournal.com profile] morlock out. I didn't want to have that happen again. While the implications of why I wouldn't be home upset him to no end, [livejournal.com profile] morlock told me that telling him that was correct. I did not, however, tell him who I'd be with (though I'm pretty sure he's assuming it's [livejournal.com profile] captainlove) because... no. Techincally it's not his business, but also if he has faces to go with the concept of someone besides him sleeping with me, it's so much worse. He later said that was also the right thing, hard as it is for him to not know.

Lastly, this is going to be incredibly hard for me, but I think it needs saying. We've got a crapton of friends in common. If you feel like you need to defriend me or not talk to me anymore over this, let me know, and I'll understand. I won't say I won't be hurt cause I will, but I get it. This sort of thing is hard on us, but it's shitty for everyone around us too, and, well... yeah, there's nothing else to be said here, except to reiterate that this sucks like hell for all involved. It'll be over soon enough though.

I'm gonna try not to talk about it much from here on in. I'm tired of it, all of it. I'm not angry, or really even sad, just kinda dead inside and hurt. But I'm okay, I'm going to be okay, and I do have some things to smile about which will keep me going. He will be too, and also has those things, he'll realize that in time. Should this have happened a long time ago? Can't say, doesn't matter. It's happening now. I'll get through it.

Comments are not asked for, but welcome, as long as they comply with the above request. They're also screened.
kjpepper: (eat your skull)
  • ankle is fine. side effect of going off prednisone. Swelling is pretty much down today anyways, though it's still sore. Prednisone also seems to be why I shot up 20 pounds in the last six weeks. Doctor want me drinking more water and staying away from simple carbohydrates until my metabolism evens out again. Water is doable, simple c-words? well. Let's put it this way - had a plate of carbonara for dinner. *sigh* yeah. I don't do well with the whole concept of "diet" to the point of being almost morally against them. But I _do_ want to drop a little weight, and I guess one has to start somewhere.

  • speaking of carbonara, yeah, that new Arizona Pizza place in the mall? Good stuff. I've been there twice now. Ask for Jamie to be your server, he's a sweetheart. In other news, I think I may try my hand at making carbonara later on this week. I've been researching recipes. Will let y'all know how it comes out.

  • I has new mattress pad for my bed! One of those memory foam pads, that hopefully will change my bed from concrete slab into yumtastic squashy cloudness. This means an excuse to wash all my bedding, lol. And see if I can get my bedframe back together on my own. I've got a hammer and a fair amount of arm strength, I should be able to manage.

  • Dragons: Adopt one today! ^^ Adopt one today! ^^ Adopt one today! ^^ Adopt one today!

  • I have Jury Duty on Monday. eep. Never had/done that before, I mostly hear it's a whole lot of nothing, but still for some reason nerved by it.

  • I think I may have to reinstate the "five positive things" post per day. In the words of the Andrews Sisters, one has to Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive.

Well. Enough posting, got shit to do tonight. Should have bought some more NOS...
kjpepper: (Default)

  • 14:27 Woke up smiling. When's the last time that happened...
  • 20:45 : oh god. To-do list. Agh! *hides*
  • 21:27 has just learned the hard way why it is a bad idea to try to take a shower while washing the whites. Brrr.
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