Jan. 22nd, 2009

kjpepper: (Default)
Andee...

  • 07:57 should never drink latte ever again. GAH.
  • 19:10 is restricted to clear liquids. So of course she wants steak and gruyere. Crud.
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Gagh

Jan. 22nd, 2009 05:10 am
kjpepper: (get well gnome)
ug. Five am, awake, and drinking halflytely. Oh yeah. Today's gonna be a GREAT day. :P
kjpepper: (get well gnome)
While talking to Jim Blau about my VCE and he was all immediately like "if you had a signal scanner I bet you could find the frequency and watch the video." Argh, now I kinda want one. Actually it's probably good that I don't have one because my first impulse would be to post the vid on YouTube and I really don't think people are THAT interested in my digestive process.

So yeah, back from the Drs. I have a hard drive strapped to my tummy, and all kinds of wires taped to me. It's both uncomfortable and fun all at once. The camera I had to swallow was seriously the coolest thing evar, just this itsy bitsy thing surrounded by flashing white LEDs (presumably to light it's way down) and quite probably a transmitter in the back and all about the size of the top of my pinky finger. Living in the future, man. THE FUTURE.

3 more hours until I can eat something. I can't wait.

ATT: NETH

Jan. 22nd, 2009 08:12 pm
kjpepper: (aeris)
Would you and the AGGiB like to have a visit from Aeris this summer while I'm sorting out where the hell I'm going to end up? (Also if I send her with some $$ would you mind restringing her? Her legs are a wee bit wobbly.) Also if I can swing it, I may come out to pick her up myself. :) Let me know - seems like a far better option than packing her away for most of the year.
kjpepper: (kickass (kung fu panda))
This week's been full of the physically ill, the emotional wrangling and the hard truths and realizations.

I have discovered, to my annoyance, that this month I've fallen off the wagon big time. I've been falling behind at work, barely getting anything done at home except when getting things done at home served as procrastination from something completely else I should have been paying attention to, and barely dealing with anything else. I was doing very well last month monitoring my money and my food intake, if not actually doing much to modify my habits concerning either, and this month it's all gone completely to hell. I meant to start working out this month, and that hasn't gotten off the ground. I've ditched my to-do lists. Most alarmingly, I've been missing doses on my meds again.

Why? well, being depressed to the point of paralysis probably had something to do with it. I keep forgetting that depression doesn't always mean active despair, but can also include things like stress, apathy, feeling worthless, feeling lost, like I have been for the past little while. And yeah, I'm starting to snap out of it now, thanks to several long interesting conversations I've had in the past week. But looking back down the line... Shit. This is something I've had to contend with my entire life, just a constant struggle within myself to maintain some small shred of discipline, and then letting one or two things unravel it completely. Hell, kind of explains my entire college experience. But yeah... there's the starting out well, then there's the impatience and frustration, the "fuck its", the damage incurred by the "fuck its," the utter despair/terror incurred by repairing said damage, finally suiting up and dealing with the consequences of my actions, starting over, rinse, lather, repeat. It probably doesn't help that this has happened so many times in so many aspects of my life that I actually start things expecting them to derail horribly and fail due to some self sabotage fuckery on my part.

I'm reminded of the scene in Better Off Dead when the preposterously cute Monique is lecturing Lane about his lack of self-confidence. I really relate to Lane a lot more than I should these days, but there are valid parallels that probably shouldn't be dismissed. And maybe like Lane, what I need is a small taste of success. Smaller goals instead of the crazy large scale plans I'm constantly daydreaming and disappointed about. And not to be so hard on myself when I fall off the damn wagon, since most of the reason falling off is so bad for me is because I spend so much time either beating myself up for yet another failure or taking the failure and compounding it in "in for a penny, in for a pound" style.

And another thing... something that sent me into a bit of a tailspin, and then actually snapped me back out of my funk was several people (one in particular), telling me this week alone that they either trusted, had faith in, or respected me. The tailspin was because I didn't feel worthy of any of it. The snap out was me realizing that I was using someone else's unit of measure to determine my own worth. I won't say the measure I was previously using was flawed, cause I can't really determine that, but if I don't figure out how my own yardstick works, I'm always going to feel like damaged goods, and... I really don't want to do that. It's not a nice feeling, and kinda makes it easier for me to fuck shit up because I feel like it's expected. And besides... there's the part of me that knows it's wrong, that if I really REALLY just managed to grit my teeth and pull through that wall I always hit when trying to accomplish something, I can. Plus... like Blue told me this afternoon when I was wibbling to him about it... if someone tells you they trust you and you're not sure if you deserve it, you have three options: break it, hand it back, or become worthy of that trust.

"I'm not perky. But I'd like to be." -- Wednesday Addams. And yeah... I recognize the irony inherent in the quote.

So. Back to chasing the wagon for me. We'll see if I catch up and stay on it for a while this time... and if I don't... try to remember that the longer I sit on the road and wibble about falling off in the first place, the longer it'll take for me to chase it down and get back on again.

Wish me luck.
kjpepper: (Default)
Andee...

  • 05:03 has rediscovered the inherent nastiness of halflytely. Ugh.
  • 09:28 has a blinking hard drive strapped to her tummy and kinda feels like she should have a few USB ports under her ear to match.
  • 17:19 is no longer transmitting pictures from her intestines.
  • 19:45 thought she asked people to smack her out of it when she's wallowing. Gah.
  • 23:00 is thinking about a lot of serious stuff.
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