Feb. 20th, 2009

kjpepper: (Devi (goddamnit))
Just want to bitch about my head for a minute.

I swear sometimes I hate living in my own skull. I hate the constant white noise that's in there, I hate the fact that rather than sucking up and dealing with whatever's in front of me I jump to the first shiny thing that catches my attention. All fairly normal stuff... but it's what my head does when it's out of shinies that pisses me off...

Case in point, this morning. I had, for once, nothing to do/say on the nets. I didn't feel like posting. My last DC egg grew up and since I'm still mad I missed the valentine drop and I now have a matched pair of almost everything else that's not supergoddamn rare, I hadn't had the inclination to get any more. I'd read through my actual friends, communities and comic feeds filters on LJ. I'd played with the three apps I don't automatically ignore on Facebook. Hell, I'd even finished breakfast and taken my meds. So you'd think YAY SUPERFUNPRODUCTIVETIEMNAU, y/y?

WRONG. It was like my head freaked out because there was nothing left to distract it with. I went back through and refreshed everything (newsflash, not much happens on LJ or Facebook at 6:30am EST - EVERYONE'S ASLEEP), poked around on TV tropes for a while (THAT site is a time sink if ever there was one) and hurt my brain on lostpedia. Two hours later, here I sit, rather disgusted with myself, all told.

I don't get it. When I'm on, I become this driven madwoman of focused intensity that will claw your eyes out if you get in the way of getting whatever I'm focused on done. There used to be a time where I would forget to sleep or eat because I was on a writing jag, I would routinely stay at work late because I was lost in PHPland and couldn't stop, would sit for the three plus hours it would take to make and record a mix tape for something (tape, note. This was 2004 and I was still making tapes because they could hold two hours worth of music as opposed to 80 min). But being on happens so goddamn rarely now. I've always been distraction-prone, but this is goddamn ridiculous. I feel like my head's stuck on shuffle and I have no control over what's coming up next, and all I want to do is play through all four of Vivaldi's Seasons, in order.

Goddamn it, I want my focus back. Maybe I should say "goddamn" a few more times. Course, I can feel the ghost of my Grandma Ruth rising up to yell at me for taking the Lord's name in vain already so maybe not.

What do you do when the bitch you wanna shake some sense into is yourself?
kjpepper: (Sanosuke (mischeivous))
*da da dum, da da dum*



ETA: since this seems to have spawned a Flood love fest, I'll toss in my favorite AMV ever (att: [livejournal.com profile] black_reign & [livejournal.com profile] bluewindkitsune)

kjpepper: (Default)
cut because we care (and know you might not) )

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July 2009


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