Apr. 26th, 2009

oh ffs

Apr. 26th, 2009 09:02 am
kjpepper: (dragon)
Sooo aparently Crackcave released seven (!!!) new eggs on Wednesday. Just when I thought I was totally done with dragons here these guys come. So now I'm all panting at my new batch so I can go get new ones. And I still don't have a gold one.

Yes, I'm silly, shush.

Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!Adopt one today!
kjpepper: (eat your brains)
The last time I'd been on a plane was the first time I'd been on one in over 15 years. After the original oh god oh god we're going to die bit during take-off and landing, I remember the thing I did mostly was sit with my face glued to the window, watching first people, then cars, then houses, then entire towns, cities and counties recede into nothing until I finally couldn't see anything due to haze and cloud cover. I enjoyed having what I felt was the God's-eye (or Google Maps) view of the world, and it just kinda struck me how many people I couldn't see were existing in the space I could see, and how many people existed in the places beyond where I could see. It's funny how when you're looking down at the world like that or in any other context where you realize just how many people exist in places you don't even think about from second to second, how insignificant your own problems and perspective seem... and yet its this day to day trivial bullshit that consumes every second of our lives. It don't matter so much, you know? The sun still rises and sets, work has to get done, kids need to kept up with, bills gotta get paid, birds gotta swim fish gotta fly, I'm gonna work all day till I die... yeah okay, not the words but you get where my head's drifting.

A few days ago I got that feeling... you know when you've had a nasty cold for a while, and there's the moment afterward where not only you can breathe through your nose again, but have been for a while without realizing it? Yeah... I kinda got that feeling about my life, like all the shit that's been worrying at me and wearing on me healed over enough. Not completely - still scratching the scab remnants like I always do. And there's a scar there, but any time you go through something there always is. Scars say you've survived. "A scar is not an injury. A scar is a healing. A scar is what makes you whole." I won't say I feel whole, cause I'm not there yet. But I'm at maybe 88% and climbing, slowly but steadily. There are things I'm irritated, unhappy, discontent, whatever about right now, but they're fixable, and I can fix them with a little daily focus and effort. They won't be fixed tomorrow, next week, or next month, but the way time has been sliding by lately, I'm thinking that won't matter so much. I just gotta be patient, which is a challenge for me, and keep moving in the direction I need to go in, even if I'm only moving one inch or so every day. At the end of the week, I'm still seven inches farther than I was, which is better than not having moved at all.

Today I spent time with and thinking about people that remind me of myself at younger, greener ages, watching what they did, and shaking my head over it. I swear, I spent my life on rescue missions. Almost every single one of my relationships at their core boiled down to me thinking and trying my best to save the other person from themselves, knowing it was always a futile effort. I remember when I was a kid and Dad would try to tell me something "for my own good" asking why he was telling me, that I'd rather just take my own lumps and learn the hard way? I mean yeah, he's Dad, he's supposed to do that, I know that now... but I remember insisting that's how I wanted to, how I had to learn shit, how I had to see things for myself before I'd believe them... and I think I need to apply that to certain people around me. There comes a point where you can give someone all the advice and support and unconditional love in the world, but when all is said and done, you gotta leave them to get themselves out of the tower and work on escaping your own. Stabbing Westward I think summed it up the best: "I know that you've been damaged/Your soul has suffered such abuse/But I am not your savior/I am just as fucked as you/ I can not save you/I can't even save myself/Please don't take pity on me/You can not save me/You can't even save yourself/So just save yourself." Again... one of those it don't make a whit of difference on a cosmic level sort of thing.

HOLY CRAPZORS, it was HOT today. *chuckle* and to think, we still have plastic on most of the windows. Dad's gonna call one of the guys next door sometime this week to help get them down (8 foot high windows plus Dad wanting to save the plastic = help being very necessary), which is good because it's supposed to stay around 90 until Wednesday. Which means that the tree sex will continue until morale improves it rains again, which means I should either get some zyrtec or get used to sneezing once every 15 minutes for the foreseeable future.

There is a cat snoring on the bed behind me. Dad is fine, home, and continues to fuss at people on the phone. Somewhere out there/beneath the pale moonlight/Someone's thinking of me/And loving me tonight. I've got a job I can do in my pajamas, a crotchety old house to serve as home when I need it to, and a stack of library books waiting to be devoured. I haven't really been sick since I got sprung from my own hospital adventure six months ago. All things considered... my life, such as it is within the constant whirl of the universe, really could be a hell of a lot worse.

(And as if on cue, as I typed that sentence, the Mr. Softee truck came back through the block for the third time tonight, lol.)

I'm gonna stop here. I'm starting to sound a bit like that somewhat inebriated gentleman from the other night, and we can't have that, lol.

July 2009


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