May. 15th, 2009

*sigh*

May. 15th, 2009 12:56 am
kjpepper: (facepalm)
You know, I wasn't paying much attention to racefail'09 when it first started cropping up here and there as passing mentions in other people's livejournals. I figured it was another fandom drama thing that would implode in a colossal poof of wank after a week or so, and then we'd all as a collective internet move on. I do don't really do fandoms precisely to avoid this sort of ignorant wank in the first place.

But it's still going on, and proving worth paying attention to as more fans and readers and writers coming in to toss their $0.02 into the discussion. Much of it is so facepalm inducing that I'm on my way to developing a callous on my forehead to rival Wesley Willis'. And some of it is really thoughtful commentary on why it is indeed important to have more perspectives, cultures, and ethnicities represented in SF/F.

Some good has come out of it, and I don't mean established writers inadvertently proving themselves as jackasses. I mean things like [livejournal.com profile] karnythia starting [livejournal.com profile] verb_noire. Things like the effort to get readers of color to collectively tell the fandom/genre that yes, you know, we'd like a few books that didn't trace back to Tolkien and European folklore. and despite the fair amount of IM NOT RACIST KTHXBAI, it's actually a pretty damned interesting dialog on how pervasive internalized racism actually is. So... out of blue comes green. Its also jump-started the gears for my own writing projects... I spent most of the time today waiting for Dad to finish his doctor's appointments scribbling, and damn, that was a good feeling.

Some links:
Reasons to care about racefail
Racefail: the beginning
A tale of layers
So, racefail... (commentary on Patricia Wrede's The Thirteenth Child)
kjpepper: (LOL (eve))
By the way, I'm really REALLY surprised this wasn't ALL OVER my Flist last Sunday.



Oh, Susan, how I adore you. Also LMAO @ "This is the second best idea that we've ever had."
kjpepper: (new york)


I have a strong urge to oink now.
kjpepper: (Tenna (talk to spooky))
You know, I haven't done a magician scarf ramble post in a while.

I've been thinking about communication a lot in the past couple of weeks, and how, when all is said and done, I suck at it. There's a funny side to this, as I know I'm the person on everyone's friends list that posts the most outside of communities and feeds. But when you really think about it, what do I actually say? It's all kind of the ever changing stuff on the surface of my attention. It's long rambly posts about what I'm doing, or what I've seen on the nets, or what is happening to me right now - basically glorified, pages long twitter updates. When it comes to Real Serious Shit™, it takes a severe push (or really strong alcohol) in whatever direction for me to actually open up about what's actually going on under the smoke and mirrors. Otherwise I shut up tighter than the National Treasury.

The past little while I've started to question what I'm really afraid of. Especially since this sort of communication shutdown is exactly what's tanked every single one of my adult relationships, friendly and romantic alike. I can pinpoint an instance in all of them where some boundary of mine got violated and I should have said "I am not okay with this and it needs to stop/be addressed/be worked through." And I didn't do that, and shit unraveled in various styles of cockwaddery from there.

So I've been sitting with this for a couple of weeks now, turning it over in my head like a seriously fuxxored Rubix cube, trying to puzzle out the first move towards fixing it. I've had some interesting conversations with various people about it, and in one case a rather spectacular meltdown on 5th Avenue (the Brooklyn one, not the Manhattan one) was had where something I'd been carrying around for over a year bubbled to the surface and caused waterworks in both parties. I have a fair idea of what's fuelling it all... There's fear and insecurity on one part, where I'm afraid that I'll end up looking stupid or be made to feel stupid about whatever it is, or worse, I'll express something and have it be completely ignored or met with dead silence. I'd like to say this is entirely groundless, but it's happened enough in my history to leave me with a bit of a complex. This is why I have tried valiantly to enact a don't sweat the small stuff policy, but what always happens is that small stuff escalates, and then I still don't say anything because I then feel like the statute of limitations on when I can say something about ($x little thing) (or sometimes even ($x big thing)) has run out, and cue feeling stupid about dredging something up long after the fact. (Yay, vicious cycle!) On the other hand.... there's a personal responsibility aspect of it as well. If I keep shit locked up, then it never becomes real in a sense, and I then don't have to deal with the aftermath/consequences of saying something. That, I realize is patently stupid, as the aftermath/consequences usually are far worse in my head than they ever are in reality. That and holding everything in has a price as well... see above statement about how this has essentially killed all of my adult relationships? Yyyyyyyyyyyyeah, about that. Not to mention I'm sure it's had a fairly detrimental effect on my health as well.

I realize that once again this is probably a good point to enlist the aid of a professional, but this issue directly plays into why I haven't been seeing one. Considering my main problem is feeling safe enough to actually say what's wrong beyond surface irritation, therapy only goes so far before I manage to completely sabotage the process. It might be worth seeing if Chiquitita has a spare half hour during the time I'm in the valley, though, just cause I've established enough of a relationship with her to maybe try sort of working on this shit. Meanwhile... I'm trying to figure out where to start opening up/reaching out more, cause... this can't continue. I don't want to be sitting here making the exact same post in another six months/year/decade, you know? And it's not something other people can really do anything about for me. Going back to the 5th Avenue meltdown, one of the things that was said to me afterward was that the other person regretted failing to make me feel safe enough to be able to say what was wrong in the first place, and me knowing that in the end, that part of it wasn't anyone's fault but mine cause the unsafe feeling is all in my head. Yeah... that's... not okay.

*sigh* Anyway. I'm thinking I need to be a little less Jay and a little more Silent Bob. I feel like a lot of the times I talk to fill silence, as silence is where all these demons live and talking, putting noise out there, keeping an ongoing stream of surface chatter going keeps me from having to do or say or even feel anything too real. I wouldn't expect the daily livejournal flood to stop anytime soon, but... I guess I just need to be more mindful of what I'm doing... and not be so scared to drop something that dives below the surface into here more often.

Feedback, any at all, encouraged and appreciated. I kinda need to hear/read voices today.
kjpepper: (yes we can! (obama silly))
Dear Mr. President and family,

I honestly don't know whether to tell you to stop being so damn hot/adorable/giggleworthy/moving because you will cause my demise from squee, or whether that is precisely why you should continue because all things considered, that's not a bad way to go out.

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Andee

July 2009

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