Jun. 17th, 2009 01:26 pm
kjpepper: (masstransiscope)
Dad is downstairs on the phone having a loud conversation with someone. Not a girlfriend, he talks to them every day, and this person he hasn't spoken to since the last couple rounds of hospital cha cha. I know because he took great glee in describing the gory details of mild heart attack #3. I shake my head. Well, it's good to hear him laugh.

A few days ago Dad and I got into a fierce row about, of all things, HDTV. Mr. Grand High Poohbah of 50 Inch Flatscreen insisted he had it, I told him he didn't. It took calling Direct TV yesterday and having them actually upgrade his cable package to include the HD channels to shut him up; his main topic of conversation right now is telling anyone who can listen about what a racket cable companies have going with HDTV packages. (It turned out that while dad had his dish and receiver upgraded, no one told him he had to buy the package as well.) I again shake my head. It's actually kinda nice having CNN in HD again though - it's somehow more fun with more screen.

I am fiercely disliking the trap of depression induced apathy I keep falling into. It's bad for everything. Productivity, work, waistline, you name it. My better days happen when I can summon up the nerve to plow relentlessly through a to-do list, my worst ones are when I look at said to-do list, say "fuck it" and spend the day eating my weight in tennis rolls. Part of what's feeding it is still being behind at work, I just need to buy a case of NOS and plow through it. But as always with me, starting is always the hard part. I'd blame my environment - there's definitely a sense of feeling trapped here going on - but I know that this is completely a all-in-Andee's-head thing... it's pretty likely the feeling will follow me wherever I happen to be. So I have to remember that overcoming that should be a now thing, not a "when I move" thing. Part of what tends to make me feel better is successful execution of projects, I just sort of need to organize everything I need to do as such, both practically and in my head. I'm always happy when I actually complete something... I just need to create a cycle of doing that, rather than the current failspiral I'm on.

Anyway, today I'm at least attempting to make into one of those plow through to-do list days... off to do that some more.

Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today! Adopt one today!


Jun. 13th, 2009 05:16 pm
kjpepper: (nine naked men)
My cousin posted some pictures of me at other cousin's wedding... *shakes head* you know, not to be vain or anything, but I do clean up awful well. 30 looks good on me when I choose to look it. Much like today - Dad and I have been invited for dinner over at Ruthy's so I'm in a dress and my hair's up.

Yeah, you can really tell I don't sew. Several hours into the actual stitching bit of the book I'm binding (and after an hour or so of pre-punching the holes with a straight pin) and my fingers were killing me. Cara said "have you got a thimble?" And I went ... -_- *facepalm* right, yes, I has the dumb. Unfortunately dinky fingers strikes again - Mom's fingers were at least twice as thick as mine, if not more (she wore a size 7.5-8 ring, I wear a a 3.5-4, depending on the day) so wearing any of her thimbles feels a bit like inserting a clapper into a bell. Unwieldy to say the least. Luckily the actual stitching part's 2/3rds done already... I think about two epic movies worth. If the internet picks up by the time I get home from dinner (it's been running like uphill flowing shit since last night) I may stream me some ben-hur, ten commandments (feeling the need for a yul brynner fix, hmmm) or gone with the wind. Luckily the rest of this project can be achieved with rubber cement, cause owww.

It's still gray and gross outside, but I think the absolutely foul mood I was in all week is finally lifting some, thank goodness. Depression blows.

Need to figure out something to do with or for Dad for Father's Day. I think maybe Sunday Brunch. You can never go wrong with feeding that man.

ETA: I also may need to own Rome on DVD. Mostly because of the just-discovered "All roads lead to Rome" feature.

T-8.5d. Have a few things to do beforehand, and a few lists to make. Right now, I've got some shoes to find.
kjpepper: (this too shall pass)
Chiquitita, tell me what's wrong
you're enchained by
your own sorrow
in your eyes
there is no hope for tomorrow
how I hate to see you like this
there is no way you can deny it
I can see that you're
oh so sad, so quiet

Chiquitita, tell me the truth
I'm a shoulder you can cry on
your best friend
I'm the one you must rely on
you were always sure of yourself
now I see you've broken a feather
I hope we can
patch it up together

you and I know
how the heartaches
come and they go
and the scars they're leavin'
you'll be dancin' once again
and the pain will end
you will have no time for grievin'
you and I cry
but the sun is still in the sky
and shining above you
let me hear you sing once more
like you did before
sing a new song
try once more
like you did before
sing a new song

So the walls came tumblin' down
and your love's a blown out candle
all is gone and it seems
too hard to handle
Chiquitita, tell me the truth
there is no way you can deny it
I see that you're
oh so sad, so quiet

you and I know
how the heartaches
come and they go
and the scars they're leavin'
you'll be dancin' once again
and the pain will end
you will have no time for grievin'
you and I cry
but the sun is still in the sky
and shining above you
let me hear you sing once more
like you did before
sing a new song
try once more
like you did before
sing a new song

Youtube or it didn't happen
kjpepper: (Tenna (talk to spooky))
You know, I haven't done a magician scarf ramble post in a while.

I've been thinking about communication a lot in the past couple of weeks, and how, when all is said and done, I suck at it. There's a funny side to this, as I know I'm the person on everyone's friends list that posts the most outside of communities and feeds. But when you really think about it, what do I actually say? It's all kind of the ever changing stuff on the surface of my attention. It's long rambly posts about what I'm doing, or what I've seen on the nets, or what is happening to me right now - basically glorified, pages long twitter updates. When it comes to Real Serious Shit™, it takes a severe push (or really strong alcohol) in whatever direction for me to actually open up about what's actually going on under the smoke and mirrors. Otherwise I shut up tighter than the National Treasury.

The past little while I've started to question what I'm really afraid of. Especially since this sort of communication shutdown is exactly what's tanked every single one of my adult relationships, friendly and romantic alike. I can pinpoint an instance in all of them where some boundary of mine got violated and I should have said "I am not okay with this and it needs to stop/be addressed/be worked through." And I didn't do that, and shit unraveled in various styles of cockwaddery from there.

So I've been sitting with this for a couple of weeks now, turning it over in my head like a seriously fuxxored Rubix cube, trying to puzzle out the first move towards fixing it. I've had some interesting conversations with various people about it, and in one case a rather spectacular meltdown on 5th Avenue (the Brooklyn one, not the Manhattan one) was had where something I'd been carrying around for over a year bubbled to the surface and caused waterworks in both parties. I have a fair idea of what's fuelling it all... There's fear and insecurity on one part, where I'm afraid that I'll end up looking stupid or be made to feel stupid about whatever it is, or worse, I'll express something and have it be completely ignored or met with dead silence. I'd like to say this is entirely groundless, but it's happened enough in my history to leave me with a bit of a complex. This is why I have tried valiantly to enact a don't sweat the small stuff policy, but what always happens is that small stuff escalates, and then I still don't say anything because I then feel like the statute of limitations on when I can say something about ($x little thing) (or sometimes even ($x big thing)) has run out, and cue feeling stupid about dredging something up long after the fact. (Yay, vicious cycle!) On the other hand.... there's a personal responsibility aspect of it as well. If I keep shit locked up, then it never becomes real in a sense, and I then don't have to deal with the aftermath/consequences of saying something. That, I realize is patently stupid, as the aftermath/consequences usually are far worse in my head than they ever are in reality. That and holding everything in has a price as well... see above statement about how this has essentially killed all of my adult relationships? Yyyyyyyyyyyyeah, about that. Not to mention I'm sure it's had a fairly detrimental effect on my health as well.

I realize that once again this is probably a good point to enlist the aid of a professional, but this issue directly plays into why I haven't been seeing one. Considering my main problem is feeling safe enough to actually say what's wrong beyond surface irritation, therapy only goes so far before I manage to completely sabotage the process. It might be worth seeing if Chiquitita has a spare half hour during the time I'm in the valley, though, just cause I've established enough of a relationship with her to maybe try sort of working on this shit. Meanwhile... I'm trying to figure out where to start opening up/reaching out more, cause... this can't continue. I don't want to be sitting here making the exact same post in another six months/year/decade, you know? And it's not something other people can really do anything about for me. Going back to the 5th Avenue meltdown, one of the things that was said to me afterward was that the other person regretted failing to make me feel safe enough to be able to say what was wrong in the first place, and me knowing that in the end, that part of it wasn't anyone's fault but mine cause the unsafe feeling is all in my head. Yeah... that's... not okay.

*sigh* Anyway. I'm thinking I need to be a little less Jay and a little more Silent Bob. I feel like a lot of the times I talk to fill silence, as silence is where all these demons live and talking, putting noise out there, keeping an ongoing stream of surface chatter going keeps me from having to do or say or even feel anything too real. I wouldn't expect the daily livejournal flood to stop anytime soon, but... I guess I just need to be more mindful of what I'm doing... and not be so scared to drop something that dives below the surface into here more often.

Feedback, any at all, encouraged and appreciated. I kinda need to hear/read voices today.

Hoo boy

Mar. 8th, 2009 01:02 pm
kjpepper: (whee!!)
Ever go back and reread something you wrote while under the influence of $x? yeah, I mentioned I was scribbling while drinking last night... I checked the doc this morning cause I didn't remember saving or closing, read what was there, and was all O_O. got. damn. woman. It wasn't that it was bad, it was just apparently I'd gotten into a very emotionally raw headspace and seeing it on "paper" was a little... jarring. Embarrassing? Uncomfortable? I don't know.

In other news I slept like the dead only to wake up and find that I was an hour out of sync with the rest of the world. It took me a few minutes to remember that it wasn't because I was still kinda drunk (I was still a little fuzzy around the edges), but that everyone decided to change their clocks on me and not tell me. Seriously, even my computer, cell phone, and iPod are in on the joke, not to mention the cable. Only the stove and the kitchen clock love me...

Hm. Apparently I'm still funny around the edges. Heh.

In other news, I'm rather excited because I made Fisher Price® My First Sale on Craigslist™. Extra C note for the rather fiercely needed win. NOW IS THE TIME ON SPROCKETS WHEN WE DANCE!!!

*ahem* yes quite. I should go do something a bit more productive... maybe take a walk. holy crap 52 degrees batman.
kjpepper: (yarr!)
Self... just avoid waiting around for either of the five college buses from Mount Holyoke at night alone. Neither the waiting nor the subsequent bus ride foster anything remotely positive in your head.

That said, we're halfway through the last season of Avatar. Once again, I'm glad I'm actually getting to see them all, and in sequence. I'd missed a few eps here and there without realizing it. I'm rather terrified by the Avatar: Iroh's prison months/Oz crossover [livejournal.com profile] captainlove seems to be planning, but I must admit that his impression of Iroh saying "Do you know why they call me the Dragon of the West, prag?" did have me snarfing cola. So very very much wrong with that.

Currently I sit in my room, pouring my heart into Open Office writer and working my way through the last 12 oz of black cherry Smirnoff. The rather head-clearing effect the burn of it is having on me is a little counterproductive towards getting drunk, but I'm only about half through it and I've only been working on it for about 20 minutes or so. Inebriation WILL happen, damn it. with 12 oz, drunk is a biological inevitability. Which is fine. It's been that kind of day. I guess I'm just afraid the next two weeks will almost completely consist of those kinds of days, and what will happen when the rum's all gone?

ёхо, ёхо, жизн пирата для меня. Ярр.


Mar. 5th, 2009 04:27 am
kjpepper: (these eyes do more than see)
well one good thing about being upset, I suppose... I just spent the last three hours packing/cleaning like a fiend. Any clothes not going with me to NY have been stuffed into my trunk (poor old-ass thing, I think this is the last move it'll survive) or are in a heap on my floor awaiting a goodwill bag to be stuffed into. much of the random bric a brack has been cleared from the bookshelf and dresser, sundart's nightstand has been cleared off and a good chunk of the crap has been emptied out of my closet. I was sort of pleased/annoyed to find a couple of missing items in there for which I'd probably been looking for at least a year.

I should sleep. but I probably won't.
kjpepper: (grown and sexy)
First, GUH.

*fap fap fap*

Second, nearly scared myself shitless as I had about a moment or two of thinking I had lost the Preciousssss. Believe me, there would have been full blown superdeformed rage if I hadn't located it.

Third, it is Sunday and that means several things. a) Breakfast and Avatar with [livejournal.com profile] captainlove, peppered (literally) with delicious homemade pasta/sauce (and enough taken home to make a couple of lunches this week) b) a break from the Lent restrictions. I'm kind of already paying for the food ones - after a week of eating more or less right, the digestive tract is all "EXCUSE ME WTF R U DOIN" about the coffee and sweets I've pounded today. Ugh. Yeah, will not be doing this next week, lol. Really the moral of the story is, the shit stuff is never as good as your addicted little mind makes it out to be, and you always ALWAYS regret it. With the exception of cadbury eggs. Those are still mana from heaven. And possibly NOS. But yeah, with the exception of [livejournal.com profile] captainlove's sauce, pretty much everything I ate today made me kinda ill. That and my hand kinda hurts ans I tripped on the porch earlier and scraped up my hand. gah.

Also I can really be okay with only checking Facebook once a week. At least until Easter. I'm kinda whatever about the Internet in general these days.

Fourth, lots of heavy thinking today... really it's been a heavy think week. While I'm glad to say that some of the smoke from basically my life collapsing in on itself is finally clearing.... I don't know where I was going with that. I recognize the next few weeks are going to quite frankly blow, but I'm weirdly okay about that now. So... my old life is ending, but I have some idea of what I want to do/accomplish in the next phase of it, how not to fuck it up in the same ways, and what sort of shit is toxic to me. I often complain that knowledge and strength are rather poor compensation for everything in one's world going fucko bazoo, but I do have to admit when you've rebuilt something else, they are good things to have. This week has been full of shakabuku-giving kicks to the head... most people usually hate those, but I often welcome them, even when they hurt. I don't know, I'm weird like that.

Fifth, reopening the call for help getting my shit into storage. Ideal is only open until 6:45 during the week, so trying to do anything after/during the workday might be a bit much to manage, but even if you can help me make one trip, it will be appreciated. Also, I WILL be taking my road test before I leave damn it cause I want my damn Catbus. Especially since [livejournal.com profile] captainlove promised he would look it over for me once I got it. Any help practicing teh driving would be fabulous.

Anyway, off to make a few lists, finish Pandemonium and get something productive done. And tweeze these splinters out of my hand. Ow.

ETA: oh yeah, eggs. Adopt one today!Adopt one today!
kjpepper: (kind hearted woman)
It's that time again apparently.

I am not Catholic, not even in the recovering sense. The closest I've ever gotten to being so is going to St. Patrick's in NY around Christmas to light candles for people. But I've always been fascinated by Lent. Really I've also been fascinated by Ramadan and Passover as well, as all three holidays seem to work on the same principle of ritual fasting from something, usually food, but really any sort of usual indulgence will do. And I've always admired people who manage to tough it out without $x for the month, 40ish days, 2 weeks whatever. My willpower is not that strong.

I've been amused by what people giving up for Lent this year. Sex. Facebook. Livejournal. The Internet. 4chan.Caffeine. Sugar. Exercise (this from a dedicated nigh unto rabid gymbunny). TV. Shopping. I'll be interested to know how people do with that. I've also heard of people who are not exactly Christian taking a different spin on it and adding something to their lives instead of giving something up, usually in the vein of healthier choices (exercise, vegetables) or just dedicating the time to projects or aspects of their lives that have been previously neglected - hanging out with friends more, working on that creative pursuit every day of the 45, seeing one new movie per day, reading like a fiend). Some people are doing a combination of both.

I'm always tempted to do something for it, personally, but I never really know what to do, and I don't have much faith in my ability to sustain something consistently for over a month, be it giving something up or adding something in. Hell, these days I can barely manage a week. It's why I don't do New Years resolutions either. But I suppose you'll never know what you can do unless you try, right?
kjpepper: (Devi (goddamnit))
Just want to bitch about my head for a minute.

I swear sometimes I hate living in my own skull. I hate the constant white noise that's in there, I hate the fact that rather than sucking up and dealing with whatever's in front of me I jump to the first shiny thing that catches my attention. All fairly normal stuff... but it's what my head does when it's out of shinies that pisses me off...

Case in point, this morning. I had, for once, nothing to do/say on the nets. I didn't feel like posting. My last DC egg grew up and since I'm still mad I missed the valentine drop and I now have a matched pair of almost everything else that's not supergoddamn rare, I hadn't had the inclination to get any more. I'd read through my actual friends, communities and comic feeds filters on LJ. I'd played with the three apps I don't automatically ignore on Facebook. Hell, I'd even finished breakfast and taken my meds. So you'd think YAY SUPERFUNPRODUCTIVETIEMNAU, y/y?

WRONG. It was like my head freaked out because there was nothing left to distract it with. I went back through and refreshed everything (newsflash, not much happens on LJ or Facebook at 6:30am EST - EVERYONE'S ASLEEP), poked around on TV tropes for a while (THAT site is a time sink if ever there was one) and hurt my brain on lostpedia. Two hours later, here I sit, rather disgusted with myself, all told.

I don't get it. When I'm on, I become this driven madwoman of focused intensity that will claw your eyes out if you get in the way of getting whatever I'm focused on done. There used to be a time where I would forget to sleep or eat because I was on a writing jag, I would routinely stay at work late because I was lost in PHPland and couldn't stop, would sit for the three plus hours it would take to make and record a mix tape for something (tape, note. This was 2004 and I was still making tapes because they could hold two hours worth of music as opposed to 80 min). But being on happens so goddamn rarely now. I've always been distraction-prone, but this is goddamn ridiculous. I feel like my head's stuck on shuffle and I have no control over what's coming up next, and all I want to do is play through all four of Vivaldi's Seasons, in order.

Goddamn it, I want my focus back. Maybe I should say "goddamn" a few more times. Course, I can feel the ghost of my Grandma Ruth rising up to yell at me for taking the Lord's name in vain already so maybe not.

What do you do when the bitch you wanna shake some sense into is yourself?
kjpepper: (Default)
cut because we care (and know you might not) )

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kjpepper: (respect the poon)
The icon doesn't really have much to do with anything, I just never use it.

Crashed at 8 last night. I think I told [livejournal.com profile] morlock to wake me up for Lost, but I think considering my general state yesterday, he must have figured it was the better part of valor to let me sleep. I can't say he was wrong, I kinda felt like the duck at the end of Bill Bailey's "Love Ballad." You know, "The duck lies shredded into a pancake... soaking in the hoisin of your lies..." Of course, finally remembering that I still have Ativan in the house and taking some probably helped hasten and maintain my unconsciousness. Ah well. It's DVRed; I'll watch it later today after my cat scan.

Yesterday I'd had no caffiene, a pretty rude shock to the system (self inflicted but still horrid), a several hour crying jag, and just in general went through the day with a throbbing headache, while once again thinking too much. There were good points too, little ones... going to Local Burger with Carole, getting cubic shittons of boxes and a brief visit from the Foole. And amidst all that panicked thinking at forty two million miles an hour, several good things rolled to the surface. I did reconnect with [livejournal.com profile] space_craft, which I'd been meaning to do for a while. I continued to think about Nevershire and came up with more ideas for it (I think it's going to end up being a web comic due to the sheer amount of visual and geek jokes that are gonna end up involved). [livejournal.com profile] morlock and I managed to have a long conversation without fighting (okay, granted I was sobbing my face off at the time but I still consider it an achievement.) And I processed some stuff online with [livejournal.com profile] htl_1126, [livejournal.com profile] masteradept, [livejournal.com profile] verbena76 and [livejournal.com profile] bluewindkitsune.

The main thing (and I'm sorry if I scared anyone with my entries yesterday) is I need to get on out, or make progress towards doing so. I told the Foole I'd be ready to start moving stuff to Hadley week after next (by the way, if anyone else would like to donate a couple of hours and some car space, I'd be deeply appreciative), so that's a week's worth of packing up my shit to look forward to. and then once that's done, I'm out. It's past time, if my own unraveling mental state and that of those around me are any indication. I can't really hope to have any sort of new beginning succeed while I still live up in the smoldering corpse of an old dream, one that I'm still clinging to, honestly. Considering where my head is, there are some ongoing projects that I don't feel like I can willfully dedicate myself to until this chapter is officially closed and the page turned. So the job and to-do list for right now is get my scheduled medical fu dealt with, go shopping for this weekend, rise to expectations at the Flea, work like a fiend, pack like my life depended on it, file my taxes and not really worry about anything else until mission has been accomplished... anything else at this point can wait until I'm ready to deal with it.

What I'd LOVE to deal with right now is some breakfast. Stupid "nothing but liquids past 5am" restriction. Stupid cat scan. Grr.

A note about yesterday though: I'm honestly pretty amazed that most of the comments to my lapses in moral judgement with respect to information don't condemn me for what I've done. I know what I do isn't okay, and while the understanding and support is good in terms of I'm not a total freak of nature concerning this, I'm really kinda boggled that there aren't more "wow, that was jackasslike" comments there. Eh, I don't know. I usually expect more of a balance of good and bad comments, but know how hard it is to be the person saying "no, you're an asshat" goodness knows I've kept quiet on so many things in other people's journals about things I didn't agree with or that bothered me rather than "start a fight" or just offer criticism. So... I don't know. If it's so hard for me to remember that other people are wearing their big kid underwear, I can hardly expect people to remember the same for me.

Argh. okay, time to get dressed. :P
kjpepper: (Tenna (anxious))
It's not paranoia if they really are all out to get you.

You know... I always laughed off this shit... but now I'm really starting to believe it.

When did my life go from farce to the last act of Streetcar?
kjpepper: (cry more emo kid)
It's okay to still wake up and be hurt over something five years after the fact. Just means something about it didn't get addressed or I didn't allow myself enough time to heal the first time. And you know what happens if something isn't healed and you try to go on functioning like normal.

Also... I don't have to be a rock/island all the time. I wish I knew how to give myself permission to be hurt/angry when things bother me rather than after the fact, when I've met shit fester for a while. Even then it's not so much giving myself permission, it's exploding. Which is worse.

My doctor called me an undercomplainer... I think that's not only true about physical pain. I don't know how to be any other way though... especially since it always seems like when I do complain to people when they're bugging me, it always seems like they won't listen unless I'm pitching a tantrum. Maybe I'm doing it wrong? **

ETA: last paragraph edited for clarification and to sound less emo.
kjpepper: (Default)

  • 10:02 is psyched about snowstorm tomorrow. Two week old snow on the ground = stale.
  • 11:35 is really done with getting bad news from doctors, and freaking out about the latest.
  • 16:09 thinks it's definitely not a fun thing to realize how deep your own insecurity runs.
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kjpepper: (kickass (kung fu panda))
This week's been full of the physically ill, the emotional wrangling and the hard truths and realizations.

I have discovered, to my annoyance, that this month I've fallen off the wagon big time. I've been falling behind at work, barely getting anything done at home except when getting things done at home served as procrastination from something completely else I should have been paying attention to, and barely dealing with anything else. I was doing very well last month monitoring my money and my food intake, if not actually doing much to modify my habits concerning either, and this month it's all gone completely to hell. I meant to start working out this month, and that hasn't gotten off the ground. I've ditched my to-do lists. Most alarmingly, I've been missing doses on my meds again.

Why? well, being depressed to the point of paralysis probably had something to do with it. I keep forgetting that depression doesn't always mean active despair, but can also include things like stress, apathy, feeling worthless, feeling lost, like I have been for the past little while. And yeah, I'm starting to snap out of it now, thanks to several long interesting conversations I've had in the past week. But looking back down the line... Shit. This is something I've had to contend with my entire life, just a constant struggle within myself to maintain some small shred of discipline, and then letting one or two things unravel it completely. Hell, kind of explains my entire college experience. But yeah... there's the starting out well, then there's the impatience and frustration, the "fuck its", the damage incurred by the "fuck its," the utter despair/terror incurred by repairing said damage, finally suiting up and dealing with the consequences of my actions, starting over, rinse, lather, repeat. It probably doesn't help that this has happened so many times in so many aspects of my life that I actually start things expecting them to derail horribly and fail due to some self sabotage fuckery on my part.

I'm reminded of the scene in Better Off Dead when the preposterously cute Monique is lecturing Lane about his lack of self-confidence. I really relate to Lane a lot more than I should these days, but there are valid parallels that probably shouldn't be dismissed. And maybe like Lane, what I need is a small taste of success. Smaller goals instead of the crazy large scale plans I'm constantly daydreaming and disappointed about. And not to be so hard on myself when I fall off the damn wagon, since most of the reason falling off is so bad for me is because I spend so much time either beating myself up for yet another failure or taking the failure and compounding it in "in for a penny, in for a pound" style.

And another thing... something that sent me into a bit of a tailspin, and then actually snapped me back out of my funk was several people (one in particular), telling me this week alone that they either trusted, had faith in, or respected me. The tailspin was because I didn't feel worthy of any of it. The snap out was me realizing that I was using someone else's unit of measure to determine my own worth. I won't say the measure I was previously using was flawed, cause I can't really determine that, but if I don't figure out how my own yardstick works, I'm always going to feel like damaged goods, and... I really don't want to do that. It's not a nice feeling, and kinda makes it easier for me to fuck shit up because I feel like it's expected. And besides... there's the part of me that knows it's wrong, that if I really REALLY just managed to grit my teeth and pull through that wall I always hit when trying to accomplish something, I can. Plus... like Blue told me this afternoon when I was wibbling to him about it... if someone tells you they trust you and you're not sure if you deserve it, you have three options: break it, hand it back, or become worthy of that trust.

"I'm not perky. But I'd like to be." -- Wednesday Addams. And yeah... I recognize the irony inherent in the quote.

So. Back to chasing the wagon for me. We'll see if I catch up and stay on it for a while this time... and if I don't... try to remember that the longer I sit on the road and wibble about falling off in the first place, the longer it'll take for me to chase it down and get back on again.

Wish me luck.
kjpepper: (yarr!)
That is to say, a ramble on creativity - I don't the ramble itself is very creative. Oh and click my eggs, they need to hatch like yesterday.

Adopt one today! ^^ Adopt one today! ^^ Adopt one today! ^^ Adopt one today!

This has got to be the slowest bunch ever hatched - I've never had dragons that didn't pop out of their eggs bang on the dot at 3.5 days before. I'm actually worried these guys are gonna die, which would suck. I haven't lost a dragon yet, and I would prefer not to start now.

Oh hey wait, one hatched. *kicks the other three* HURRY UP.

Anyway. Came upstairs after most of the new years folks had gone home ([livejournal.com profile] anythingbutpink and her boy were too drunk to do anything but stay here and play rock band) and found myself too wired to sleep. That's what one gets for drinking mediera with coffee all night I suppose. You get buzzed and cranked all at once. I had a picture in my head kicking around for most of the week, and on a whim, I sat down and sketched it out. And then I scanned it. And earlier this morning I finished cleaning it up and coloring it. (and no... not going to post it, sorry.) But whoa. I actually sat down and stayed focused on something long enough to finish it. I don't remember when the last time that happened was. Probably a couple of summers when I was beadweaving. But yeah... whoa.

I need to do shit like that more. My main problem is that I have so many things I want to do backburnered and I can never decide what to go with. Drawing. Writing. Dancing. Beadweaving... Hell I've got a sewing project or two laying around even. Music. I never play shit anymore, and yet I've gone through every single move in the last ten years with my violin in tow, even though I only crack the case about once a year if that. I miss that. I keep saying I want to take music lessons again, but time and money never seem to be on hand for that. I know, it's a matter of making both, but still. And we won't talk about the violin's two equally neglected friends, Clarinet and Keyboard. Miss those too.

I was considering picking a few things to do this year for sure and setting aside the rest for down the line, as I'm going to be horribly busy in 2009 as it is. I definitely want to do a bead project or three this year. I want to actually write, and finish, one of the stories that has been kicking around in my head and then if it isn't utter crap, see about getting it published. I want to take more pictures, like actual honest to goodness, good pictures, and spend some quality time sitting down and learning how to work with the Hatemonger. And as always I have a few web projects on the line as well... thinking it would be nice if maybe I updated my own site to not look so 2004... which is when I think I last touched it lol. And then there are other major things in the pipe - The House situation is getting insane, I need to get cranking on that whole cleanout project sooner rather than later, and whether I end up going home for the summer or not, it simply can't wait any longer. The good news is that people are starting to agree with me on the fact that the House needs some major TLC, I was just bitching to Dad about how there isn't a single grounded outlet in the the entire house except for the kitchen. Not one. May the darkness be merciful. And on top of that I'm seriously considering taking up belly dance again, since I've been missing it somewhat fierce. That and I'm considering once I'm carred up checking out [livejournal.com profile] captainlove's Arnis school, as I've always thought martial art + dance = win. Oh yeah. Carring. Ernie need to call me back like now, I want to get this project over with already.

So yeah. As usual when I think about this shit, my first reaction is to flee in terror before the almighty dauntingness of all of my projects. Trying valiantly not to do that now... Instead, trying to prioritize everything that needs doing and try to get things done a little at a time rather than panic about the big picture.

Been thinking about other stuff too, like why it is that I never do seem to have time to get all the stuff I want to do done.... Well, I know why, actually. Two main reasons being the Internet is really really great... for time-sinking. Seriously, I need to get off the MMORPG sauce for a while. And the other... drama. yeah yeah, I know, newsflash I am a drama magnet/whore. I mean theres' a certain amount of low level other-people noise I require to function, I realize this. Comes of growing up in a large loving... and drama prone family; it's just how I was raised and how I'm wired. But I've seriously let other people's stuff consume the hell out of me in the last few years to the exclusion of all else, and I'm burnt out and need to charge my batteries and work on my own crap for a change. So... to borrow a lyric from America's favorite country asshat*, 2009 should be more about "me, should be more about i, should be more about number 1 oh my me my, what I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see. I like talkin' about you, you, you, you usually, but occasionally.... I wanna talk about meeeeeeeeee!"

Ahem. yes, anyway. The quest for self-improvement continues apace, I suppose.

Oh! I got the last of my holiday presents last night! I have a framed picture of the Brooklyn Bridge over my bed, my very own copy of Where the Sidewalk Ends (goddamn I love me some Shel Silverstein!!) and a fascinatingly disturbing looking graphic novel called "Finder - Sin Eater." And with that, I'm officially holidayed out and ready for life to return to some semblance of normal. Whew.

ETA: It happened again!

(4:17:21 PM) brit4anonsex: Hey, the public health commission is making 
me tell everyone i've slept with that i have AIDS japanese ham sandwich

I'm starting to think these are the pornographic cousins of the Salmons, Cohos and british men looking for their hats.

* and yet I kinda like Toby Keith anyway. Curse you, [livejournal.com profile] timarok.
kjpepper: (grown and sexy)
Yeah yeah. It's still hell year for.... 36 more hours. However, I think suddenly envisioning in its near entirety West Side Story as sung/danced/told/swordfought by pirates vs. ninjas is worth breaking LJ silence. Losing that idea to the ether would have been tragic.

It's been an interesting week. I'll probably offload some of the headnoise when I have a moment to breathe and when the voices stop singing "Gee Portmaster Krupke."
kjpepper: (WTF (witch))
1:45. I think that's some kind of record.

I'm so fucking done with this week.
kjpepper: (iPepper)
Rihanna - Disturbia )

If you ignore the "breakaway pop hit"-ness of the song and just concentrate on the lyrics... yikes. It's a fairly good approximation of what being trapped in my head has been like past few months. That said, I'm a bit abashed to admit that I have been listening to it not exactly on loop, but pretty damn often. It's catchy and danceable. ( "Also cute and fluffy!") What I find alarming is that for the first time in forever, an album currently on the charts has met my 3 song requirement for purchase. O_o. Do you people realize how long it's been since I purchased actual CDs based on something currently playing on the radio?? Disturbia indeed.

ETA: Wow, the video for this song is creepy as hell. It's like if the videos for "Closer", "Lightning Crashes"and "Thriller" had a freaky love child. Probably not the healthiest thing to watch before the morning coffee.

July 2009



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