PTSD

[kjpepper]

Spent much of yesterday asleep. Partly because of that whole pesky thing where I didn't really sleep for two days while I was home, though I did conk out for nearly the entire bus trip back. The other part was probably due to lingering depression about various things. I still feel out of whack from the weekend - I always feel like going home messes me up irreparably, and it's really hard dealing with my dad being overbearing and my mom being ill. I don't get it. She made such a good recovery last time around, and for a while she was different, cooler, more "I'm gonna seize the day, go back to school, do something for myself because I never got the chance." And then she got sucked back into little family dramas and having to deal with Penuche's kids because she's completely incapable of dealing with them herself, and bit by bit she started dying again, and the part of her that I found I could actually relate to disappeared, never to be seen again. It seems almost like she doesn't really care this time. So ... this may be it. Again, I don't think it's an any-day-now type of thing, but I don't know if she'll be around this time next year.

Still don't know what to feel about that. I'm not sad. I feel bad for not feeling sad. Gonna stop now before I write a whole Dr. Seuss book about it. Oh the conflict.

Gotta go eat breakfast now.