head space...
Mar. 1st, 2004 01:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperAll the personal growth head work I'm sort of doing these days isn't all that effective if no one knows about it.
March is a brand new month with no real mistakes in it yet (though ha, I know myself, give me three more hours). Considering how fantastically wrong February went, I'm now sort of stuck with the very daunting task of fixing what went wrong. I'm catching up in class, but what's starting to stress me even more is the fact that I haven't dealt at all with my financial stupidity and thus haven't talked to my parents in nearly three weeks over it.
I hate this tendency in myself, hate the fact that I have not managed to get beyond it, hate the fact that I find myself in basically the same patterns I was in this time four years ago when I was trying to finish the school thing the first time around. And this time, I'm caught in the middle of something on the side that is holding up a very harsh mirror to myself, showing exactly how much harm you not only do to yourself but to everyone around you when you cut and run instead of dealing head on with whatever shit is going down.
The problem is that after a while it's so much easier to keep running than it is to stop, turn around, go back, and make amends. But it's infinitely better to go back on your own than it is to run until whatever it is catches you. And it always does. And it's always bad.
I think my goal for this month is to work on this. It's got to stop somewhere, somehow.
On another note - I rediscovered the original Jeff Buckley version of "Hallelujah" recently and have been listening to it incessantly. I think I may like it even better than the Rufus Wainwright version, which was beautiful, but this one, just a light, mournful tenor against a single electric guitar with an almost harp like sound to it, recorded with a ton of reverb... it's positively haunting... heartbreaking.
March is a brand new month with no real mistakes in it yet (though ha, I know myself, give me three more hours). Considering how fantastically wrong February went, I'm now sort of stuck with the very daunting task of fixing what went wrong. I'm catching up in class, but what's starting to stress me even more is the fact that I haven't dealt at all with my financial stupidity and thus haven't talked to my parents in nearly three weeks over it.
I hate this tendency in myself, hate the fact that I have not managed to get beyond it, hate the fact that I find myself in basically the same patterns I was in this time four years ago when I was trying to finish the school thing the first time around. And this time, I'm caught in the middle of something on the side that is holding up a very harsh mirror to myself, showing exactly how much harm you not only do to yourself but to everyone around you when you cut and run instead of dealing head on with whatever shit is going down.
The problem is that after a while it's so much easier to keep running than it is to stop, turn around, go back, and make amends. But it's infinitely better to go back on your own than it is to run until whatever it is catches you. And it always does. And it's always bad.
I think my goal for this month is to work on this. It's got to stop somewhere, somehow.
On another note - I rediscovered the original Jeff Buckley version of "Hallelujah" recently and have been listening to it incessantly. I think I may like it even better than the Rufus Wainwright version, which was beautiful, but this one, just a light, mournful tenor against a single electric guitar with an almost harp like sound to it, recorded with a ton of reverb... it's positively haunting... heartbreaking.
