Well shit.

Considering what quite a few people I know are currently going through I kinda feel bad about complaining at great length about my low grade "little cloud of shit." I'm still not sure where it is coming from, but I do know that it's still there.

Had yummy dinner from sundart last night, followed by a ton of Insanaquarium (nothing soothes the soul like lasering the aliens out ouf your fish tank) followed by the trash cha cha (surprising lack of lame, probably because sundart is a kind kind soul and scooped out the litterboxes), followed by the aforementioned trip to sprawlfart (a perfectly ridiculous amount of kitty litter was bought, in addition to 2 bottles of pepsi). We then stopped at McFrankenfood for some horrendous crap, and beatgoddess bought me some Finding Nemo happy meal toys that make funny noises from the movie, and I think squirt water when you fill them up. We went home and then watched Monsters Inc, during which I conked out on the couch, then staggered to bed.

Need to figure out how to stop my subconscious from assigning certain people in my life a parental like power, and then figure out how to stop resenting these same individuals for it. feh

eureka!

It's all about the expectations, actually.

I had this epiphany while I was working on one of my myriad slices of interestingness that constitutes my job, and realized that my life would be completely angst free if no one ever expected anything of me, and therefore I would never run the risk of disappointing anyone. It's when I am afraid of disappointing someone that I display all the defense mechanisms that can be summed up as I-messed-up-oh-my-god-this-person-is-going-to-hate-me-or-worse-must-cover-ass-now-and-by-any-means-necessary, and involves all the evasion and dissembling, if not downright dishonesty at my disposal. Talk about defense mechanisms that no longer serve. I look back on my entire life and I can think of exactly one person whom I do not feel the need to equivocate even a little bit to in any situation. That's messed - I know of at least eight or nine people that love and care about me just as much as person A, but I can't trust them to not turn their backs on me and walk away the minute I let my guard down and actually be honest and say whats going on in my head. Or if they do, to come back. Instead, in kicks the reflex to pander, flatter, smile and nod, swallow pride, and take needless shit, because of this deep seated fear that if I don't, the person I am talking to will hate me, or possibly worse, hold what I say against me later.

Whatever. Thinking about it makes my head hurt.

Wow did it rain today! The air is saturated with water, and fog hangs over the Valley like a warm cozy blanket. sundart, beatgoddess, primitive_boy and I finally got around to seeing X2 tonight before Cinefart-the-best-poop-in-town lost it this week. I liked it . . . but wow, it was much longer than the first one! The more I see of Alan Cumming the more I like him as an actor. There is something so great and heartwarming about cute little theater fags - you just want to pick them up and bring them home and put all of your sparkly barrettes in their hair, and have mugs of fairly traded fully organic hot chocolate with them. I was mentioning after the movie to primitive_boy about how I liked how all of these superhero comics are getting turned into movies right and left. I was never into superhero comics as a kid, but now I've got a passing interest, though not enough to ever sit down and read through all of the old ones. These movies are kinda like the cliff notes versions. Anyway, they left the ending WIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE open for X3 so I will look forward to the next installment of the movies so I can once again go to the theater and quote Wesley Willis every time Wolverine appears on screen. (Quote in question: "Take yo' ass to the barbership and tell the barber you sick of looking like an asshole!" It has got to kill Hugh Jackman's soul to have his hair gelled up like that!)

We are getting free chinese food, courtesy of a gift certificate left to us by Britgirl upon her departure. mmm, yummies. Also should check on a friend, see if she indeed wound up going to work or not today. Cloud of shit may still be there, but at least right now it doesn't seem to be raining on me. Let's hope the weather holds.