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Peter Pan Complex
Feb. 9th, 2004 06:50 amOkay. This is kinda ridiculous. I'm 25 already - you'd think I'd have figured some of this out by now.
It's so fucked up. I had it all figured out when I was 17. I was going to go to college, become a writer (or a psychiatrist, one of the two) get out and do some real life dreaming. Somewhere along the way I lost my way, forgot to grow up, things went horribly wrong, and eight years later here I am, pretty much where I started, except with a bunch of college loan debt that need to pay off. And I'm still fucking fucking up. Mostly through inaction on my part - I need to stop thinking that things will go away if I don't think about them - this is what got me into trouble over and over at work. I'm really bad at the sucking up and dealing part. It's why I don't do my homework, why I don't talk to my parents on a regular basis, why I don't talk to people that care about me, why I lie and cover up when something goes wrong rather than admitting I fucked up right from jump and fixing it.
Fuck this shit. This would all be easier if I could just accept and deal like a normal person, but quite frankly I never learned to do it properly growing up, and I'm finding it's a bitch to learn later on in life. Of course learning is one of those things I'm avoiding - damn downward spiral.
Arrrrrgh.
Holy shit. I just looked over out the window at the impending sunrise and was met by the vision of blood red clouds moving across the sky. Scheiße, that's beautiful. Hmm. "Red sky at morning, sailors take warning..." wonder what the weather's like today? *checks* Looks fine.
On another note, one that doesn't make my head explode from self-loathing, I was in bed with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sundart last night drifting off to sleep and she was telling me about the story she's writing, and I was telling her a little bit about the one I'd been scribbling in my notebooks during class like a bad girl ;) I need to start writing again, for real. I used to be able to sit at my computer for literally days, typing away at the lastest overfiring at my brain. I haven't managed to do that since high school - with an exception a couple of years ago when I was writing this serial fic centered around the Vampire game I was playing with the SODA girls - I briefly rediscovered the ability then. I need to find my focus again... except I feel that that, along with everything else in my cranium is broken nearly beyond repair. So much for a subject that doesn't make my head explode from self-loathing.
Meh. You know how you're a kid and you have this fantastic idea about how adults get to do anything they want? Fuck if you're not more trapped by shit once you do grow up. Going "Weeeeeeeeeee!" even with drugs, isn't nearly all it's cracked up to be. Give me the gonads and strife.
It's so fucked up. I had it all figured out when I was 17. I was going to go to college, become a writer (or a psychiatrist, one of the two) get out and do some real life dreaming. Somewhere along the way I lost my way, forgot to grow up, things went horribly wrong, and eight years later here I am, pretty much where I started, except with a bunch of college loan debt that need to pay off. And I'm still fucking fucking up. Mostly through inaction on my part - I need to stop thinking that things will go away if I don't think about them - this is what got me into trouble over and over at work. I'm really bad at the sucking up and dealing part. It's why I don't do my homework, why I don't talk to my parents on a regular basis, why I don't talk to people that care about me, why I lie and cover up when something goes wrong rather than admitting I fucked up right from jump and fixing it.
Fuck this shit. This would all be easier if I could just accept and deal like a normal person, but quite frankly I never learned to do it properly growing up, and I'm finding it's a bitch to learn later on in life. Of course learning is one of those things I'm avoiding - damn downward spiral.
Arrrrrgh.
Holy shit. I just looked over out the window at the impending sunrise and was met by the vision of blood red clouds moving across the sky. Scheiße, that's beautiful. Hmm. "Red sky at morning, sailors take warning..." wonder what the weather's like today? *checks* Looks fine.
On another note, one that doesn't make my head explode from self-loathing, I was in bed with
sundart last night drifting off to sleep and she was telling me about the story she's writing, and I was telling her a little bit about the one I'd been scribbling in my notebooks during class like a bad girl ;) I need to start writing again, for real. I used to be able to sit at my computer for literally days, typing away at the lastest overfiring at my brain. I haven't managed to do that since high school - with an exception a couple of years ago when I was writing this serial fic centered around the Vampire game I was playing with the SODA girls - I briefly rediscovered the ability then. I need to find my focus again... except I feel that that, along with everything else in my cranium is broken nearly beyond repair. So much for a subject that doesn't make my head explode from self-loathing.Meh. You know how you're a kid and you have this fantastic idea about how adults get to do anything they want? Fuck if you're not more trapped by shit once you do grow up. Going "Weeeeeeeeeee!" even with drugs, isn't nearly all it's cracked up to be. Give me the gonads and strife.
