I'm done. Pepper out.

You know what... I would just like to state for the record that everything massively sucks right now, and its one of those things where just when I think things are going to turn around and get better... they don't. Or get worse.

Tonight something went seriously screwy upstairs (in the head department, not at sydmor's), and it took a gentle talking down by morlock (thank you sweetie, and I apologize again for being on edge all night) to calm me down enough to realize a few things. I came back downstairs still all jangly from the nervous disruption to find an email in a rarely checked mailbox that just kinda dashed whatever remaining feeling of well-being I had, not through any fault of the sender, but just... well, at this point, just more nails in an already well reinforced coffin lid.

I think my system is in desperate need of a reboot. Who am I shitting, it has been for a while, I've just been distracting myself from this fact by getting caught up in various extraneous drama. I feel like in retrospect I've been slowly unravelling for years or tearing myself to shreds one layer of skin at a time, and it's slowly dawned on me that I don't have much rope or skin left at this point. With it goes any sense of self-control I have. Literally. The past couple of weeks I've just been out of fucking control, swinging wildly from anger to depression to mania and back, and underlying all of this is that while I'm not sick, I haven't been feeling well for a while either. And there's also the fact that I have NO focus whatsoever. It's gotten so hard even to remember to do the little day to day stuff. I'm amazed I'm still dragging myself out of bed every morning, remembering to put reasonably respectable clothes on, and going to work. Guess I'm not out of it enough to disvalue money. Yet.

So it's too hot, I don't feel well, and some part of me has come to the conclusion that I'm not worth human company. I really have become a bit of an antisocial monster in the past little while - people annoy me much more easily than they used to, I'm way oversensitive and triggery, and have had trouble with my temper. Beyond lately... I just haven't been that great of a person to have in people's address books for a while. People may have pissed me off a time or two, but honestly... I haven't been a good friend, daughter, relative, student, girlfriend what have you in the past couple of years or so. Ah hindsight. How clear the descent into cranky isolation becomes in retrospect. There are people out there I have hurt carelessly, lost touch with, and not spared a thought for, and I feel pretty fucking shitty about that right now. I've been way too caught up in the daytime television drama that is my mundane little life, going from distraction to distraction and only getting anywhere in the fits and starts of lucidity that I have.

This is also doing wonders for my focus... you would not believe the heroic amount of effort it takes to just get shit done, and even then... I let people down. Case in point, I have two boxes wort of signed addressed Christmas cards and the odd wrapped stocking stuffer hanging around that never got sent, and the recent interpersonal meltdown that I haven't said much about, though probably long in coming for a few other reasons, was triggered by this sort of, well, laziness. And yet still I pile on the distraction and procrastination to the point where it starts affecting me, my ability to accomplish anything worth accomplishing, and the people (un)lucky enough to be in my immediate vicinity. When I was little, I used to use my Dad's bed for a trampoline and just bounce up and down on it for half an hour to forty-five minute stretches until I started getting this uncomfortable tight feeling in my chest/tummy area, a little like heartburn and sligtly bilous. I still get that feeling, even though my bed bouncing days are over. Usually signals overstimulation. For the past week or so, I've had this feeling constantly. It's right, too - ye gods, how loud and noisy and hot and just plain uncomfy my head is right now - it's like being stuck permanently in a club with a bad sound system that uncomfortably emphasized the treble tones (anyone who wears earplugs to Haven knows of what I speak), that plays... I dunno, something awful. All the time. Light/smooth Jazz. gagh.

Crap, I want to cry for a week and never stop. My brain is doing the equvilent of Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiieeeee, kernel panic. Crash. I'm badly in need of a reboot of some sort, just shut as much as possible down, and restart, fscking like fuck right and left.

In terms of LJ... One or more of a few things is going to happen in the next little while. I may take a hiatus. I may drastically prune my flist temporarily, or I may go friends-only for a bit. I haven't decided. No, I'm not going to close my journal, but I may have to break my dependancy on it. It and a couple of other things I notice I use to temporarily shut up the noise. Caffiene. sugar. web surfing, morlock, mindless TV and web surfing. *sigh* but back to LJ... honestly, I think I'm going to be out of touch on all mediums for a little while, turn off Trillian, avoid email and the phone... cause I really need to stop externalizing, sit down, shut up, and figure out what the fuck is going on in my head before I self-destruct, rather than running from it.

Heh. Well, mere did say I was in need of some serious navel gazing.

So... this is me going to ground... don't get offended/worried if I don't resurface anytime soon. I will be back... but I don't feel like I can deal with people right now. Not so much cause they're driving me crazy, but because I've been feeling a lot like my very presence is poisonous some days, and I really don't like that feeling.

gotta go sleep now so I can get through tomorrow and still have my sanity intact.