(no subject)

y'know... I think shit's finally going to be all right. Like... seriously. This is a rather big deal, as I haven't felt quite like this in months. But it a definite good sign. Work still needs to be done, but at least any doubts about whether it can or should be done are gone.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry I've been really vague and cryptic. It's a combination of not really wanting to talk about it yet feeling driven to record it in some capacity (stupid compulsive journalling), and needed to protect the guilty I guess. but yeah. I think I'm okay now. Crisis more or less past.

In other less cryptic news:

One good thing about being made to do a couple of laptop repairs is that they are now far less intimidating than they were. Last night, completely irritated that four of my keys were sticky, I shut down my computer, popped out the battery, asked sydneycat for a screwdriver, and took it to the bezel of my laptop, which popped out with little protest. From there I could take out the keyboard. DAGFUCK ME. Talk about nasty mcnasty under there! There was almost two years worth of crumbs and four cats worth of hair under there that I had to painstakingly wipe up with fingers and tissues, since an air can was not to be found in the house. Not to mention the gonk that got wedged up into the keys themselves. Anyway, after maybe twenty minutes of nast wrangling I put the keyboard back in and like magic, the keys no longer stick. Whoohoo.

I also spent a good deal of time last night outside. Mostly because I was having a fit and needed to be out of the building so my head could shut up, but it was nice being out there - I'm vastly appreciating the fact that it's finally FINALLY hoodie weather. 'Specially since certain people look damned sexy in 'em.... There are some seriously WEIRD people wandering around Amherst yo. Like the guy in the bright blue blanket that wanders the street and helpfully picks up any trash he finds and throws it away. The fuck?

some notes:

anzovin - where were you last night? I stopped by around 10:30ish. Please tell me you weren't still working!

harinezumi - thank you.

Thought #1

Pagan Pride is on Sunday! Pretty sure it's in Amherst on our front lawn the Common. *BOUNCE* Anyone coming?

Thought #2

I just passed an SUV playing lite jazz... O_o Wow. 2 great hates I hate even more together!

Thought #3

It's Thursday, which means two things: 1) I won't get the hang of today and 2) it's chicken noodle soup day at State Street.

(Cingular apparently nibbled at this message originally.)

To someone who is probably never going to read this...

I left you a message tonight. I know we haven't talked in years, but I wanted to reach out and say hi.

I still think about you sometimes, you know. Hell, I still dream about you sometimes - usually one of those anxiety dreams that always leaves you wandering the halls of your high school panicking cause you haven't done your homework or something - ever have those? In mine UNIS's hospital blue corridors still look the same, but the doors all go different places - like Narnia, or the Town of Halloween, or the basement of the library at Smith. Oh, and the elevators occasionally try to kill me. But there's still that back stairwell with the shock resistant glass windows overlooking the marina and the walkway from 23rd street along the water, though it wasn't much more than gravel driveway when we were still there. That year we were in the same homeroom I was sitting in that window watching for you every morning. Bet you didn't know that. At least I hoped you didn't. Even in retrospect it seems really stalkery. But yeah, somehow if I'm dreamwalking through UNIS I'm in that window looking for your perpetually late ass at some point in it. You do something like that every day for a good chunk of your life it leaves a mark on you.

So yeah, I still think about you sometimes. Not a lot, mind you, not like before... Ten years ahead of the game and it's probably safe to admit you were a borderline obsession. *shrug* That's what anyone else would call it, I guess. I would say you were a very welcome distraction at a time in my life when I rather desperately needed distraction. But I digress. Every so often, I'll still wonder what you're up to, whether you're still gaming up a storm, what you think of the 4th edition of White Wolf, what you thought of The Incredibles (remember when we devoured CG like candy when it were still all revolutionary instead of commonplace and crappy?), what crazy gadget/invention/resurrection from the vaults of the History Channel your on to now, whether you're still making trips to Pluto. *smile* Characters following your general archetype still crop up in my stories, and it's bloody hard to watch Reboot without thinking of you. I miss the bantery rhythm of our perpetual conversations, the ebb and flow of witticism, observation and sarcasm that could go on and on for hours, sustain us through endless rambles through Manhattan (and nearly got us run over by trucks crossing 23rd Street against the light a time or two) and yet somehow never touch on anything real or persona. But that was all right... by mutual agreement.

It's been so long now... I really don't know anything about you anymore. You could be alive, dead, bald, founding and living with the Branch Spooners, hell, considering where you lived, you could be a pretty hot chick now for all I know. ;) Ah well, you would have done justice to any gender in my opinion. But that's beside the point. Point is... I left you a message tonight. I was sorta hoping I'd get to hear your voice, hear the annoyed at the world tone you always carry melt into sheer disbelief when you realized who it was. But I'll settle for just hoping you were pleasantly surprised that I remembered... and called to say hi and many happy returns. But yeah. I still miss you, hon. And though my seventeen year old self would be horrified, ten years later I find no shame in admitting it.

so here's to you, W., and by the way...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY