Clown mastication

Is that a simpson's quote, that whole thing about "can't sleep, clowns will eat me?"

yeah, that's me right now.

Anyway, some icing for today's shitfest of a day - Stanley reminded me of something at dinner tonight... namely that there isn't a family history of Crohn's, but there is one of sarcoidosis. Since I can't sleep anyway, I did a little poking around on google and found that the two diseases when presenting in the gastrointestinal tract (which is rare, but possible with sarcoidosis) look pretty damn similar. So now I have to call my GI and be all like "So, lets talk about sarcoidosis..." and then probably get more tests to see a) maybe this is it instead and b) if that is the case, make damn sure it's not presenting anywhere else besides my small intestine.

Mother of god. I thought I was done with this shit. At least part of the fight with Dad earlier was me putting my foot down about the need to bounce back and forth to New York for testing by a handpicked by Dad himself specialist. Really, if it's between the pooping myself silly three times a day and the warm and fuzzy stress doing things according to Dad would cause me, I'm quite comfortable with the idea of moving a bookshelf into my bathroom.

I have a raging headache, my eyes are puffy, and I've never wanted my own comfy bed more than I do now.

Ridiculous, immature, and so so how I feel right now

I won't grow up
I don't want to go to school.
Just to learn to be a parrot,
And recite a silly rule:

If growing up means it would be
Beneath my dignity to climb a tree
I'll never grow up,
never grow up,
never grow up
Not me.

Which of course must be followed by this (sing if you know the words):

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a Toys R Us kid
There's a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with
From bikes to trains to video games
It's the biggest toy store there is
I don't wanna grow up, because then if I did,
I wouldn't be a Toys R Us kid
More games more toys - oh boy!
I wanna be a Toys R Us kid

Somewhere in me is a rant about how identifying with either of these songs (well, the second one's a jingle) is a rejection of the traditional model of adulthood - a joyless, funless dog eat dog suit wearing stage of life with no room for things like creativity and imagination... and yes, play. I mean, the number from peter pan is a little more condemnatory, I think, especially later in the song, which is all very tongue in cheek considering it was written by adults for adults to sing on stage. And somewhere some adult had to come up with the Toys R Us jingle. And I'm sure both of these people had jobs, bills to pay, taxes, kids to feed what have you. So... what went through their minds as they were penning these songs? Did they want to climb trees or ride their new bike through a store with impunity? And there's another layer to it all when you think about it another way. My parents didn't really let me climb trees when I was little. That whole pesky possibility of falling out and breaking my neck kinda didn't appeal to them. I climb trees now. Rarely, admittedly, but I'm a lot better at it now considering that I can now actually reach and wiggle myself onto low lying branches far mre effectively now that I'm bigger. And going to Toys R Us when you're a kid quite frankly sucks ass, because you have to whine and bitch at your parents to buy you things there or allow you to have said things. When you're grown up you can walk in and buy everything in the store if you want to and have the money without running it by Mom first. It's just when you're the type of adult that these songs flagrantly object to, it wouldn't even occur to you that you have the kind of freedom and power to actually enjoy such things that most would consider childish, though I'm sure most people didn't get to have ice cream and pringles for dinner for three nights straight growing up unless they had parents with a very weak grasp of proper nutrition (Flintstones don't fix everything you know!)

Youth, maturity, and the true pursuit of happiness (which is different, but not entirely mutually exclusive from the pursuit of success) are all your head. And provided I'm still spry enough, I hope to occasionally be found in a tree when I'm all wrinkly and gray haired. Or in the Nintendo or LEGO aisle of Toys R Us, shopping for myself. Growing up, really, does not have to be awfuller of the awful things that ever were. You just have to think about it the right way... and occasionally have ice cream for dinner. Cause you CAN.