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Once upon a time, when I worked one summer with my sister at Downstate medical center (no no, the other sister) I would run out of things to do. When that would happen I would wander the building, pondering the locked doors containing hazardous materials, peeking into the labs, and a lot of time pondering the mystery of the fourth floor, which was completely inaccasseible by elevator and had an area 51 like security lock if you tried to access it by stairs. In my wanderings I passed the offices of various faculty, one of whom had a note on his/her door reading "I have gone to find myself. If I should come back before I return, please ask me to wait."
Last night,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
sundart and I went for a walk. It was a nice night for that sort of thing here, just warm enough. And no mosquitoes yet, though the lilacs are all yay bloom bloom bloom and my eyeballs are like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and the rest of me is like HISTAMINE PARTY UP IN THIS BITCH and I'm like *cry* Note to self. Call Dr. Chmura. Beg for an Allegra scrip.
...but I digress.
We talked. A lot. She's been unhappy with the state of our relationship. I've been unhappy, period. It's not just the things withmorlock, which I just realized is about to wear on into its sixth month, though that's a big part of it and certainly triggered much of the differential weather in my brain. (side note - what exactly is differential weather? Signs point to people saying something wrong.) Mostly what I've been thinking about is that apparently anzovin has seen me downshift from a much more optimistic person into a wellspring of angsty cynicism in the time he's known me, so apparently things have been slowly going fuckbazoink over the last four years. I don't like that. I don't like the person I am right now, I don't like the mess my head has become. I don't like feeling like I am here now and I want to be here and yet like I lost me along the way.
So, I've been considering how to find myself. I know part of that will be going home to NY for chunks of time this summer, as I always feel right with the concrete and subway under my feet. I also need to dedicate some time to getting my muscle back - I'm gaining weight again, and I'm annoyed cause it's all chub and not so much with the useful. And I think I need to just chain myself to my desk chair, unplug the interbutts from my computer and not let myself up until I get some writing done. But there's more to it than that... I don't know. *sigh* I need to get my mind right, figure out what I want and what I need, figure out how to get at least enough of those things to approach being an actual person again, and then come back to my lovers and family and do the houses and kids thing, cause I can't do it like this.
Last night,
sundart and I went for a walk. It was a nice night for that sort of thing here, just warm enough. And no mosquitoes yet, though the lilacs are all yay bloom bloom bloom and my eyeballs are like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and the rest of me is like HISTAMINE PARTY UP IN THIS BITCH and I'm like *cry* Note to self. Call Dr. Chmura. Beg for an Allegra scrip....but I digress.
We talked. A lot. She's been unhappy with the state of our relationship. I've been unhappy, period. It's not just the things with
morlock, which I just realized is about to wear on into its sixth month, though that's a big part of it and certainly triggered much of the differential weather in my brain. (side note - what exactly is differential weather? Signs point to people saying something wrong.) Mostly what I've been thinking about is that apparently anzovin has seen me downshift from a much more optimistic person into a wellspring of angsty cynicism in the time he's known me, so apparently things have been slowly going fuckbazoink over the last four years. I don't like that. I don't like the person I am right now, I don't like the mess my head has become. I don't like feeling like I am here now and I want to be here and yet like I lost me along the way.So, I've been considering how to find myself. I know part of that will be going home to NY for chunks of time this summer, as I always feel right with the concrete and subway under my feet. I also need to dedicate some time to getting my muscle back - I'm gaining weight again, and I'm annoyed cause it's all chub and not so much with the useful. And I think I need to just chain myself to my desk chair, unplug the interbutts from my computer and not let myself up until I get some writing done. But there's more to it than that... I don't know. *sigh* I need to get my mind right, figure out what I want and what I need, figure out how to get at least enough of those things to approach being an actual person again, and then come back to my lovers and family and do the houses and kids thing, cause I can't do it like this.
