Small stuff

Remember yesterday and that whole words to live by sort of thing? I was thinking about that this morning. One of my things personally that I try, or tried to ascribe to is "Don't sweat the small stuff." I guess I figured that if I jumped all over every little slight, every tiny thing that wounded me, I'd never get anything done. So what I'd usually do is I'd try not to let little things get to me, and if something did upset me, I'd let myself be upset for about ten minutes or so and then resolve to get over it.

Except... that sort of thing hasn't served me well. Little things tend to add up until they become a Big Thing. Also, I tended to underestimate things. It's hard to not sweat the small stuff when you have no concept of what is small stuff. Especially when on some days, everything is small stuff. One of the things I used to shake myself out of things was the fact that I have no belief whatsoever in the butterfly effect, that in the grand, cosmic scheme of things, any decision I make and any effect I have will change nothing other than my immediate environment. So what if I'm hurt by x person's action? The sun's still gonna come up tomorrow regardless, and life will go on, as it has a tendency to do.

I found myself doing that this morning in an attempt to psych myself up for a potentially stressful day, tried to say you know what, it's okay, it's a beautiful day and will stay a beautiful day, no matter what happens because in the grand scheme of things nothing that will happen today will matter. And then I got to work, sat down, opened my email to find that someone I liked and respected dropped me from their friends list.

...yeah, that shouldn't be devastating, right? Cause in the grand scheme of things, who cares? People are starving and or killing each other halfway across the world and I'm upset because someone doesn't like me anymore and considering who it is, probably with excellent reason? Shiiiiit.

But yeah... I don't know, I've lost any sense of judgment on what is and what isn't small stuff anymore, both in what I'm sweating and in what I'm not sweating. I feel like I'm either ignoring the little stuff that has the potential to become big stuff, ignoring the big stuff in favor of the wrong little stuff, losing my ability to discriminate and letting every fucking thing hurt me or maybe some combination of all of the above. All I know is that I walked in with kind of a cosmic perspective on the significance of my own life and had my perspective shrink in a matter of a second.

And outside, in the grandest of cosmic fuck yous, it's still a beautiful day.

(no subject)

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand we're over it.

ETA: I got pinged for an explanation - I kinda felt like the post before this one was a little wallowy and dramatic, and true to form, 20 minutes later I pretty much didn't feel anything about it anymore. So... feh. So much for my goal of trying not to be so cryptic in my posts anymore. :P

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the cosmos

Obama seems to have clinched himself the Democratic Nomination.

O_o

I remain dubious. Considering how long this race has worn on so far I would not be surprised if they found some strange loophole that allows them to hand the nomination to Hillary, no matter what the delegate count. Maybe hanging chads or something.

Still... goddamn. If this remains true this evening... Oh man, sign me up for the McCain/Obama mud wrestling match of the century. DO YOU SMELL WHAT BARACK IS COOKING BITCHES?

*cough* right ok. done now.

I am Awesome. News at 11.

So reasons why tonight is KICKING EVERYONE'S ASS ALL THE TIME!

• I did, indeed, walk the six miles to the mall. I expect to feel it more in the morning, but right now? I don't feel a thing. Well other than a couple of nasty blisters on the balls of my feet but still. (need better socks, methinks, as I doubt it's a problem with my sneakers.) Pretty much, me, outside, enjoying the day and the bike trails I was walking on, motoring to my "Good Shit" mix on my Zen. The sick part is, after I got there, I could have kept going. I probably could have gone straight on to Amherst if I wanted. I wasn't all that tired at the end... just a bit footsore. Go me.
  
  I have decided that my body seems to prefer being in motion, preferably for extended periods of time, which is why I tend to thrive on long walks, dancing through every song at Haven (thinking of going next week, btw, anyone up for flailing?) and bike rides into forever. But yeah, I always feel better if I get up and move, and stay moving, for about two hours. So I'm going to try to do that a few times a week. Course, I'm probably not going to attempt the longass hike again until my feet recover. Yowch.
  
  
• I got to Cinemark at 7pm on the dot. Which meant I made my Iron Man show and since they've started showing the craptastic First Look and three million Coke commercials I didn't even miss any trailers. Unfortunately they were all ones I'd seen before, though I must say I am looking vastly forward to both The Incredible Hulk and, much as it shames me to admit it, You Don't Mess With the Zohan. I don't know, something about a muscle-icious Adam Sandler both frightens and intrigues me.
  
  Iron Man remains awesome on viewing #4. What made it even more sweet was the fact that two of the managers were working the box office at Cinemark when I got there, so guess who got to kick up her sore feet and admire the sublime sweep of the back of Robert Downey Jr's neck for free?** Yeah. Whose house? Andee's house. Aw yeah. Spent the money I would have on the ticket on one of those bathtubs of Cherry Coke and had a thoroughly enjoyable time.
  
  NOT A SPOILER ALERT. You know at the end of the movie when Agent Coulson tells Stark he's on in 90 seconds? yeah, I timed it this time for shits and giggles. It is exactly 90 seconds from when Agent Coulson says that to when Stark begins his speech.
  
  
• MCNUGGETS.
  
  
• Having some doofy white kid ask me how I got my hair to dreadlock. "I'm black, it kinda happens naturally." Cue sputtering. I'm such a stinker. But after that I had some fun before my bus home arrived thoroughly disabusing him of some alarming notions he'd clearly picked up at the Dirty Hippie School of Dreadlocking. Ew. Let me tell you, if it was true about the whole never ever ever washing your hair again while dreaded.... gah. I just can't.
  
  Ah well. My White Outreach quota has been filled for the week at least.
  
  
• Coming home to a party of geeks gathered around our coffee table amidst an explosion of improvised props, dice and maps with anzovin at the helm. They're still down there, loudly casting Magic Missile and making bad bad jokes. Gives me the warm fuzzies, especially since it's probably the first time in a couple of weeks I've heard morlock actually laugh.

Tonight was a gift. Not only did I have an awesome evening, I have, for a few moments, been comfortable in my own head and body, and have temporarily regained my focus and equilibrium. I want to feel like this more, balanced, in control, and confident, not like the world is going to short circuit if I don't watch it vigilantly. Well, I start with the new therapist tomorrow - hopefully with a little help I'll get to this place more and perhaps stay a while. It's a good place.

And now, showering. Ye gods. After all that walking I am deez GUS ting.

** don't ask me why, but the back of the neck has always been my favorite part of the male anatomy.

Tweets for Today

Andee...

• 06:49 is hoping Twitter indeed fixes IM today.
• 12:47 is engaged in a precarious balancing act.

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