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kjpepperConsidering what was going down three weeks ago, I wonder at myself for even asking this question... but as I wrestle with my conscience and my demons today, up it comes again, the problem of lying - to oneself, to others... always to avoid some unpleasant outcome that somehow always seems worse in your imagination than it ever is in reality. The problem is lying builds all these walls, severs trust, and ultimately becomes a bigger burden than the truth ever was in the first place, but sometimes, sometimes the truth just hurts more, or is tougher to deal with, or ... I don't know. I think about the fragile web of illusions I constantly create to keep my true self hidden from the world, how maintaining that entails a complicated system of lying, half truths, and running from truths until they inevitably catch up with me, and all to what purpose? And then, if you start out lying, and you want to come clean, you've just borrowed more trouble for yourself because first you have to admit you were doing something wrong and then whatever truth you were hiding comes out... arrrrrrrrrgh. *headdesk*
I feel like I've been told to execute a faulty program, which is now caught in an endless loop, and there isn't anyone around to break it for me, and I don't have the gonads to break it myself. So much out there requires courage I don't feel I have - living ultimately by truth alone, coming out triumphant after a long slump of apathy and depression, hell, even fucking suicide... *chuckle* I find it really amusing that it's called the coward's way out and yet the only reason why I haven't given the many opportunities presented is that I'm too chicken to do anything but live. Thank the goddess.
Whatever. The lies, like so much else right now, are in the irretrievable past. I could always just try not to tell any more, except where the confidences of others are concerned... gawd. *facepalm*
Every day I battle these same demons, every day is determined by how far from stalemate I've managed to get, either in my favor or no.
Shutting up now.
I feel like I've been told to execute a faulty program, which is now caught in an endless loop, and there isn't anyone around to break it for me, and I don't have the gonads to break it myself. So much out there requires courage I don't feel I have - living ultimately by truth alone, coming out triumphant after a long slump of apathy and depression, hell, even fucking suicide... *chuckle* I find it really amusing that it's called the coward's way out and yet the only reason why I haven't given the many opportunities presented is that I'm too chicken to do anything but live. Thank the goddess.
Whatever. The lies, like so much else right now, are in the irretrievable past. I could always just try not to tell any more, except where the confidences of others are concerned... gawd. *facepalm*
Every day I battle these same demons, every day is determined by how far from stalemate I've managed to get, either in my favor or no.
Shutting up now.
