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wrap-up
Nothing like sleeping the rock-like sleep of the utterly depressed.
I'm not exactly alive, awake, alert, or enthusiastic right now, but I'm glad I got 7 hours of sleep - considering all the crap I now have to do, I'll be lucky if I sleep at all between now and graduation. (yes, I know,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
harinezumi, ganbare. :) )
It's funny, right before all of this majorly threw up at my feet the dean informed me, quite seriously, that I was no longer allowed to have problems. The universe is not without its own sick sense of irony. :)
So, there's that... there's also the bit where I don't really know what I want to do with this circlejerkcircus in front of me, as I can't neatly ignore it. A lot of it I can't really do anything about at this point. But I honestly wasn't setting out to hurt anyone. Not her, not him... I made some bad decisions based on some flawed information, and I've attempted to fix the outcomes of said decisions. Essentially, the only thing I've really done majorly wrong at this instance is break two promises that I made to two people I cared about, which I've completely taken responsibility for and accepted the consequences. However, that is all I am taking responsibility for. The rest isn't mine. Not whether he decides to continue splitting the truth down the middle and only letting us see half of it apiece. And definitely not her doing something silly like taking her life like she's threatening (again). That decision is entirely on her - she may think we're the reasons, but the action and the responsibility are her own. Not to mention that she isn't entirely blameless here either. Despite what any of us want to think, there are no saints and no true martyrs in this situation.
I'm not angry anymore... just strangely resigned.
This morning I got up and read the short notes and comments of support, smiling at the expected advice phrased in amusing ways. It's good to know that there are people to take care of me, and thanks for the words... however keep in mind that you are only seeing one side of it - mine. And just because you guys are my friends doesn't make my side necessarily the right one. (Even if it feels like it.)
Anyway, I can't write about this anymore. I don't have time. (I have too many women...) But I'll certainly be thinking about it because I can't help but do anything else.
I'm not exactly alive, awake, alert, or enthusiastic right now, but I'm glad I got 7 hours of sleep - considering all the crap I now have to do, I'll be lucky if I sleep at all between now and graduation. (yes, I know,
harinezumi, ganbare. :) )It's funny, right before all of this majorly threw up at my feet the dean informed me, quite seriously, that I was no longer allowed to have problems. The universe is not without its own sick sense of irony. :)
So, there's that... there's also the bit where I don't really know what I want to do with this circlejerkcircus in front of me, as I can't neatly ignore it. A lot of it I can't really do anything about at this point. But I honestly wasn't setting out to hurt anyone. Not her, not him... I made some bad decisions based on some flawed information, and I've attempted to fix the outcomes of said decisions. Essentially, the only thing I've really done majorly wrong at this instance is break two promises that I made to two people I cared about, which I've completely taken responsibility for and accepted the consequences. However, that is all I am taking responsibility for. The rest isn't mine. Not whether he decides to continue splitting the truth down the middle and only letting us see half of it apiece. And definitely not her doing something silly like taking her life like she's threatening (again). That decision is entirely on her - she may think we're the reasons, but the action and the responsibility are her own. Not to mention that she isn't entirely blameless here either. Despite what any of us want to think, there are no saints and no true martyrs in this situation.
I'm not angry anymore... just strangely resigned.
This morning I got up and read the short notes and comments of support, smiling at the expected advice phrased in amusing ways. It's good to know that there are people to take care of me, and thanks for the words... however keep in mind that you are only seeing one side of it - mine. And just because you guys are my friends doesn't make my side necessarily the right one. (Even if it feels like it.)
Anyway, I can't write about this anymore. I don't have time. (I have too many women...) But I'll certainly be thinking about it because I can't help but do anything else.