![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperWhile I don't exactly feel like I was hanged, I do feel that sudden lurch where you come to the end of your rope, don't know it, keep going, get yanked backwards quickly, suddenly, and painfully.
I've burned through my anger. This does not surprise me, I'm a mercurial creature and go through moods like a rich California blonde goes through designer sandals. Now I'm back to that quiet, numb state I go to that allows me to pick up the pieces and go on. It isn't a bad state to be in, other than the fact that it is not a truly active state, so I'm going to have to force myself to get shit accomplished despite it. Hell. I get shit done when I'm angry. *sigh* But anger is tiring. Then again so's the rest of my emotional spectrum, so I'm kinda welcoming the calm numbness. There are drawbacks to being so volatile.
Learned something this week. Bad shit happens when I let my weaknesses and fear rule me. I kinda like it when my inner Domme takes control and turns me into a capable in-control person for, like, a minute. I shouldn't worry so goddamn much about what other people think of me, nor should I place all of my self-esteem in the judgments of others. The answer to "how soon is now?" is "whenever you want it to be." Oh yeah, and man, I post too goddamn much when there's a fuse lit on my tampon. (Oh yeah, that's right, gotta keep an eye on that monthly batshittery is showing up...) *rueful smile* Ah well. I shouldn't worry about that last one. If people don't want to read my drek, they skip it, and no hard feelings are had. but thank you to those who take the time to keep up with the celebrity clusterfuck circus that is my life.
Ran across a quote from Ron Perlman this morning as I was surfing a bit and trying to figure out how to bite into my LJ today:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
timarok about this, how he doesn't trust others to accept the ugliness under the mask as well as the pretty facade on top of it, but upon thinking about it, I do the exact same thing. *shakes head* I have no patience for traits in others that I can't stand in myself, that's always been one of my faults, and yet it is such a hypocritical way to be. Gotta work on that.
*sigh* I don't know. I'm tired of being scared, tired of leashing my inner monsters and pretending they don't exist, when really that just makes them bigger, badder, and meaner and prone to cause more damage when they do come out. And so this is me, starting out by telling/warning everyone, I guess. I'm Andee. I'm pretty deeply flawed, I have a worse temper than even I realize, am prone to bouts of verbosely melodramatic depression, tend to cut into those closest to me when shit hurts me, am lazy as fuck, am a spoiled brat, a Meddlesome Negro™ *smile*, when I get cornered my first instinct is to lie like a board to get out of it, say mean things to people that I later realize I don't mean especially when I realize that they hurt, and yes, damn it if someone offered to take care of me so that all I had to do was write the stories parading in my head and boing around being the foolish free spirit I always have been, I'd so jump at the chance. I suck at deadlines, I'm painfully messy, and I tend to push people away instead of opening up and letting them see who I am. I'm also very human, honestly don't mean to be such the bitch that I often am, and never set out to hurt anyone initially (though I think I've managed to seriously hurt every single person close to me at one point or another anyway... *sigh*). You can also talk to me. Really, I don't bite unless invited.
That said... well, if you're even reading this far, the question of "can you still deal with/accept/like/love me" is pretty much answered.
I also think that for the first time, I'm dealing with all of this in a somewhat effective fashion. Here's hoping I continue.
One day at a time. I can really do this.
I've burned through my anger. This does not surprise me, I'm a mercurial creature and go through moods like a rich California blonde goes through designer sandals. Now I'm back to that quiet, numb state I go to that allows me to pick up the pieces and go on. It isn't a bad state to be in, other than the fact that it is not a truly active state, so I'm going to have to force myself to get shit accomplished despite it. Hell. I get shit done when I'm angry. *sigh* But anger is tiring. Then again so's the rest of my emotional spectrum, so I'm kinda welcoming the calm numbness. There are drawbacks to being so volatile.
Learned something this week. Bad shit happens when I let my weaknesses and fear rule me. I kinda like it when my inner Domme takes control and turns me into a capable in-control person for, like, a minute. I shouldn't worry so goddamn much about what other people think of me, nor should I place all of my self-esteem in the judgments of others. The answer to "how soon is now?" is "whenever you want it to be." Oh yeah, and man, I post too goddamn much when there's a fuse lit on my tampon. (Oh yeah, that's right, gotta keep an eye on that monthly batshittery is showing up...) *rueful smile* Ah well. I shouldn't worry about that last one. If people don't want to read my drek, they skip it, and no hard feelings are had. but thank you to those who take the time to keep up with the celebrity clusterfuck circus that is my life.
Ran across a quote from Ron Perlman this morning as I was surfing a bit and trying to figure out how to bite into my LJ today:
"I've always felt there were aspects of me that were monstrous, and you can either hide from it or confront it, embrace it and understand that those are aspects that make you unique and define you and motivate you. You can either overwhelm or overcompensate for them -- but they truly define you as a human being...So that life became a question of either dealing with this monstrousness in one way or another...One finds a way to understand and make friends with that monster and understand that that's the very thing that makes you who you are. That's your emotional and spiritual fingerprint."You know, besides the obvious giggling triggered by this comment (it is, after all Ron Perlman saying it) this is actually fairly wise. One of the biggest bugs up my ass is that I'm always so fucking worried that if I don't carefully keep the masks clamped over my uglier aspects, everyone will hate me once they see that I'm not the cheerfully hyper, la-dee-da girl I play on TV (or that's what it feels like). I recently yelled at
timarok about this, how he doesn't trust others to accept the ugliness under the mask as well as the pretty facade on top of it, but upon thinking about it, I do the exact same thing. *shakes head* I have no patience for traits in others that I can't stand in myself, that's always been one of my faults, and yet it is such a hypocritical way to be. Gotta work on that. *sigh* I don't know. I'm tired of being scared, tired of leashing my inner monsters and pretending they don't exist, when really that just makes them bigger, badder, and meaner and prone to cause more damage when they do come out. And so this is me, starting out by telling/warning everyone, I guess. I'm Andee. I'm pretty deeply flawed, I have a worse temper than even I realize, am prone to bouts of verbosely melodramatic depression, tend to cut into those closest to me when shit hurts me, am lazy as fuck, am a spoiled brat, a Meddlesome Negro™ *smile*, when I get cornered my first instinct is to lie like a board to get out of it, say mean things to people that I later realize I don't mean especially when I realize that they hurt, and yes, damn it if someone offered to take care of me so that all I had to do was write the stories parading in my head and boing around being the foolish free spirit I always have been, I'd so jump at the chance. I suck at deadlines, I'm painfully messy, and I tend to push people away instead of opening up and letting them see who I am. I'm also very human, honestly don't mean to be such the bitch that I often am, and never set out to hurt anyone initially (though I think I've managed to seriously hurt every single person close to me at one point or another anyway... *sigh*). You can also talk to me. Really, I don't bite unless invited.
That said... well, if you're even reading this far, the question of "can you still deal with/accept/like/love me" is pretty much answered.
I also think that for the first time, I'm dealing with all of this in a somewhat effective fashion. Here's hoping I continue.
One day at a time. I can really do this.
