snapshots and strife, snapshots and strife, snapshots and strife....

[kjpepper]

sundart was sad. Then I was sad. So we decided to leave the house and go for a walk and hang out and talk and shit. So we did.

Walked out, crossed the street only to find that the hopscotch court from hell had spread like a virus almost to our house, and that the numbers, which petered out faster than the boxes did, had jumped up to 1591. I have to wonder how much driveway chalk went into the creation of this thing. I'm also thinking it's more art project than actual playing at this point, as some of the squares are too small for even a shrimpy kid's foot to fit in.

Ran and got my camera. After all I always complain about how I never have my camera with me when I go out, so I decided to remedy that this time. Took snapshots of random things throughout the walk. Starting with the hopscotch board.

(side note - apparently hopscotch originated as a footwork and agility exercise for the Roman military, kinda similar to the stereotypical football-players-running-through-tires thing. I find it hilarious that a massively macho thing ended up being a little girl's driveway game two millennia later.)

sundart and I meandered up Elm street, past the high school where some event was going down, as there was a random bagpiper in front. (What is with this area and bagpipes?) Around Child's Park and down the bike path to Stop and Shop, where we got a few provisions and the O'soy was on sale for the same price as Breast and Asskiss, so we got some of those too. We then came back up the bike path and headed for home, laden with groceries... On the way we discussed deep heavy crap, vented about issues, and she gave me hugs as I bawled over random ass shit...

I've been feeling so trapped lately, and sometimes it drives me insane... but I still can't go anywhere, I'm for-all-intents-and-purposes broke and I can't drive, I can't even hit the highway for a while to clear my head at night, and there are some nights when I desperately want to, and some songs in my collection that I just want to listen to whilst screaming down asphalt at 70 miles per hour. And there's only so far you can get on foot, or on a bike. There are so many scattered people in my life right now and the first instinct is to pull them all towards you in one big ball of love-you-ness, but it never works out that way. I'm just scared, I guess, I don't want to end up like my mom, losing touch with everyone in the world except for those tied to you by blood and never leaving the house unless absolutely necessary. But I so see myself getting that way, and I hate it I hate it I hate it.

I'm 25, I haven't been anywhere and I feel like I've seen nothing outside of this damned town and the weird chains of islands that make up NYC. And neither place is where I want to be right now. Technically that's not true, I've been to a few more places than I let on, and I've got friends and roots in the Northeast, I don't think I could ever manage to not call this armpit of the world home. But I think... I should get out of it for a while. I don't feel like I've seen enough, and I feel like if I don't get off my ass soon, I never will...

And then there's the college stupidity. I wish I had the self knowledge to realize that I didn't want to do this after my first or my second year, and gone and done something real with my life instead of this grooming for white-collar social climbing salaried slavery that I'm not remotely interested in anyway. *rueful grin* Hell, I kinda wish I'd realized I still didn't want this three years ago when I finally flunked out my last semester, and not stayed here. But again the universe laughs, and I don't realize my utter hatred and desire to not be doing the academic thing until the very end of my semester. God, such an appalling waste of time and money... Of course, there are some things that just never would have happened if I hadn't stayed, people I never would have known that I can't imagine not having in my life right now, and that just about makes staying worth it. *sigh* Still, I wonder... It's always pointless to play the what-if game, to mourn the might have beens when you've got too much of what actually is to worry about. But you can never help it, it's just human.

I raged and cried about this to sundart for an hour, and bawled about the various other crap wrong in my head and in my life currently. Felt a little better afterwards, a bit more level. Nothing decided, nothing changed, and the Big What's Next after this semester is still a cute little fuzzy gray blob of uncertainty. The only thing concrete is if someday there is sturdy vehicle of our own and licenses for both of us, sundart and I are going to go "fuck it, we're going to Guam!" and then drive as close to Guam as we can get. Like California. ;) And back. Road trip chacha. Hooray.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh. I don't fucking know what I want to do with myself. I just know that wherever I end up, I want to write, take pictures and figure out who the hell I am. Oh, and be happy, and surrounded by folks that love me and my big black ass. The rest is really just window dressing. Is that too much to want or ask for? Am I a greedy selfish bitch to want things to work out? Is it naive and unrealistic to not want to just suck it up and say falsely blasé things like "C'est la vie" when shit inevitably goes to hell? Am I being immature ("immatoor," Mom?) when I refuse to pretend like I don't care that each thing going fuckadoodledoo kills off a little bit more of my soul?

Who knows. Probably. I want it anyway. No, now. I want today, I want tomorrow, I want to wear them like braids in my hair and I don't want to share them! </veruca salt>

In other news, got some good pics this afternoon. I'd post them, but the walk did cost me a four hour chunk of my day, and I'd better get some work done now.

Comments

[innostrantsa.livejournal.com]

hi.

i love you.

know that you're not alone in your questioning, and suppose-ing, and your forays into the land of "what-if?". all of this personal growth shit is hard... sometimes too hard, i think, but that's just me (as you know from my own share of rant-eriffic posts as of late.)

anyway: love and support from the pit of hell. fwiw, the fact that you're fighting so hard to not lose touch with your loved ones, means that you won't. not the real ones...