December whispers of treachery
Dec. 13th, 2004 12:17 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperIt's a little sobering to poke around in my entries from exactly a year ago and realize that I get depressed every fucking December. For different reasons, mind, but still. Yikes. I was just kinda reading through and being all like... okay so this is kinda cyclical. Grand. It sucks that I have to go through it, but it also means that there is an end in sight, maybe.
I also found an entry I'd written upon coming back from a weekend in NY and observing how Mom wasn't getting any better and would probably not be around by this time the next year. *sigh* 's funny how I've managed to completely not think about that other than occasionally wanting to call her and ask her stuff - what's the last line in "Tell me why?" Where'd you stash my green sweater? What's Grandma's number and address? Any gossip? - and then remembering she's not there. That used to make me cry, now it's just kind of an "oh yeah, shit" kinda reaction. I mean, it's not like we were close, but understandibly, my brain seems to feel the need to dredge up the stuff that was uniquely hers - except with little holes where I can't remember things.
I have to wonder whether one of the things in my head that I'm running from lately has to do with her. On one hand, yeah, I miss my mommy, and it's a big change not having her there, and I admit I eventually did kinda emotionally crash (hence my not really getting to Dad's posters or Ruthy's funeral annoucements yet). And we all know how well I cope with change - kicking, screaming, digging my heels in. yeah. But it's also like - I don't know. I think one of the reasons I am really immature (immatoor, ha ha, never have to hear that again) in a lot of ways is cause of the dynamic I had with her. I was her baby... and in a lot of ways that sort of perception affected me and my whole sense of "grown up." Like I wasn't allowed to really do it. Now that I'm sort of getting over the shock of it, I feel like I'm on the cusp of a choice - I could use the fact that she's gone as an opportunity to mature a bit, figure out ways to grow up some and still keep the parts of me that are six years old but don't affect my daily existence. Or I could once again throw a tantrum instead of changing.
Actually, I feel that way about a lot of stuff right now, having to do with change. Generally scared and resistent to the idea, mostly. I guess it's not so much the changes that are scary it's the actually getting through them part that I'm not looking forward to. I don't know. *sigh*
Also one of the things I've been thinking of are rites of passage. Not so much the whole ritualistic things kids go through at puberty in some religious traditions, but the trials by fire that people sometimes go through in which they find out what and who they are cause all the bullshit kinda gets burnt out of them in the process. Things like coping with and conquering a disease, surviving something crazy intense, or even just quietly accomplishing something big. The trick, I guess, is that you do it all by yourself - you have to take the chemotherapy and/or deal with your personalized set of demons, you have to figure out the best way to not get yourself killed in situations like being in the military or some other situation where your life is under threat, you have to manage to bike across Europe and remember how to say "where's the bathroom?" in six languages besides English. I was thinking about that, and just kinda noting that I haven't had mine yet. I still don't feel like my own person in a lot of ways - hell, lately I've been feeling like my identity is dissolving rather than solidifying, which is not fun. Kinda feel like I should run away to some cabin in the woods until I get my head back on straight or something. Of course, on the flip side of that I feel like I just can't do that, cause too many misguided souls put their trust in me and depend on me for shit. I only say misguided cause even through other people's trust is something I desperately crave, I always feel like I never deserve it or that I'm going to betray it. Cue self-fulfilling prophesy. *sigh*
Anyway. I gotta stop brainspewing and do a few things before I have to go in forblunt trauma that work meeting. *head in hands, whimper pathetically*
I also found an entry I'd written upon coming back from a weekend in NY and observing how Mom wasn't getting any better and would probably not be around by this time the next year. *sigh* 's funny how I've managed to completely not think about that other than occasionally wanting to call her and ask her stuff - what's the last line in "Tell me why?" Where'd you stash my green sweater? What's Grandma's number and address? Any gossip? - and then remembering she's not there. That used to make me cry, now it's just kind of an "oh yeah, shit" kinda reaction. I mean, it's not like we were close, but understandibly, my brain seems to feel the need to dredge up the stuff that was uniquely hers - except with little holes where I can't remember things.
I have to wonder whether one of the things in my head that I'm running from lately has to do with her. On one hand, yeah, I miss my mommy, and it's a big change not having her there, and I admit I eventually did kinda emotionally crash (hence my not really getting to Dad's posters or Ruthy's funeral annoucements yet). And we all know how well I cope with change - kicking, screaming, digging my heels in. yeah. But it's also like - I don't know. I think one of the reasons I am really immature (immatoor, ha ha, never have to hear that again) in a lot of ways is cause of the dynamic I had with her. I was her baby... and in a lot of ways that sort of perception affected me and my whole sense of "grown up." Like I wasn't allowed to really do it. Now that I'm sort of getting over the shock of it, I feel like I'm on the cusp of a choice - I could use the fact that she's gone as an opportunity to mature a bit, figure out ways to grow up some and still keep the parts of me that are six years old but don't affect my daily existence. Or I could once again throw a tantrum instead of changing.
Actually, I feel that way about a lot of stuff right now, having to do with change. Generally scared and resistent to the idea, mostly. I guess it's not so much the changes that are scary it's the actually getting through them part that I'm not looking forward to. I don't know. *sigh*
Also one of the things I've been thinking of are rites of passage. Not so much the whole ritualistic things kids go through at puberty in some religious traditions, but the trials by fire that people sometimes go through in which they find out what and who they are cause all the bullshit kinda gets burnt out of them in the process. Things like coping with and conquering a disease, surviving something crazy intense, or even just quietly accomplishing something big. The trick, I guess, is that you do it all by yourself - you have to take the chemotherapy and/or deal with your personalized set of demons, you have to figure out the best way to not get yourself killed in situations like being in the military or some other situation where your life is under threat, you have to manage to bike across Europe and remember how to say "where's the bathroom?" in six languages besides English. I was thinking about that, and just kinda noting that I haven't had mine yet. I still don't feel like my own person in a lot of ways - hell, lately I've been feeling like my identity is dissolving rather than solidifying, which is not fun. Kinda feel like I should run away to some cabin in the woods until I get my head back on straight or something. Of course, on the flip side of that I feel like I just can't do that, cause too many misguided souls put their trust in me and depend on me for shit. I only say misguided cause even through other people's trust is something I desperately crave, I always feel like I never deserve it or that I'm going to betray it. Cue self-fulfilling prophesy. *sigh*
Anyway. I gotta stop brainspewing and do a few things before I have to go in for
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no subject
Date: 2004-12-13 03:12 pm (UTC)In other news, I totally support you in whatever adventures you want to find. I will even write you a multi-lingual cheat-sheet so you can always poop.
;)
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Date: 2004-12-13 04:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-12-13 07:08 pm (UTC)