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Mar. 11th, 2006 10:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperThis weekend seems to be the one for hard conversations, deep introspection, and a good hard look at where my life is going and whether I am happy with it, and if not, what am I willing to change if anything. One one hand, I have a life here... it's not perfect, but it keeps me cheerfully busy for the most part, occupies my mind enough to shut out the interior noise most of the time, and generally keeps my days full of love and laughter and purpose. On the other hand, I could have a life somewhere where I've always felt was home... where I'm also needed. While good for my finances and creativity, it wouldn't be so good for my sanity. Or I could free up both hands and do something completely different. I don't know what, and I guess that's the scary part.
So yeah, it's weird. I do love my place here, my position in our little tribe/pack/blobular organism. But at the same time, bits of me are getting restless. Some of them only seem to function in New York... I've always felt that at some point I'd have to go home, and lately it's felt like I'd have to go sooner than later, though that could just be a reaction to the spike in headnoise and drama in my immediate vicinity... though both have settled down by now (sorta), and I still feel like I need to go. Though going would make the two most important people in my life very sad, so that's an issue too. And most of me recognizes that overall, what I've got right now is good and I should stick around and help poke it into it's proper being or something. But lately I've found myself up late at night letting my mind pace back and forth over a general feeling that something's missing, that somewhere in the equations I'm getting short changed somewhere, and I feel the lack. I find myself deliberately seeking alone time just to think more, writing four page rambles in my other journal, and ending up no further from my starting point than I already was, avoiding really talking about what goes on in my head until sundart sits on me and demands we talk and/or morlock uses the secret passcode to get into the deeper layers of my head. Talking makes what I'm going over real though, so I avoid it, lest the things I worry over manifest themselves.
I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point. but for now... yeah, that's what I've been doing. Thinking a lot, weighing the consequences of my choices more than usual, pondering my day to day existence, wondering if, indeed, I am going according to plan or whether I made a wrong turn someplace and now I have to find my way back.
Just thinking, that's all.
So yeah, it's weird. I do love my place here, my position in our little tribe/pack/blobular organism. But at the same time, bits of me are getting restless. Some of them only seem to function in New York... I've always felt that at some point I'd have to go home, and lately it's felt like I'd have to go sooner than later, though that could just be a reaction to the spike in headnoise and drama in my immediate vicinity... though both have settled down by now (sorta), and I still feel like I need to go. Though going would make the two most important people in my life very sad, so that's an issue too. And most of me recognizes that overall, what I've got right now is good and I should stick around and help poke it into it's proper being or something. But lately I've found myself up late at night letting my mind pace back and forth over a general feeling that something's missing, that somewhere in the equations I'm getting short changed somewhere, and I feel the lack. I find myself deliberately seeking alone time just to think more, writing four page rambles in my other journal, and ending up no further from my starting point than I already was, avoiding really talking about what goes on in my head until sundart sits on me and demands we talk and/or morlock uses the secret passcode to get into the deeper layers of my head. Talking makes what I'm going over real though, so I avoid it, lest the things I worry over manifest themselves.
I'm sure I'll figure it out at some point. but for now... yeah, that's what I've been doing. Thinking a lot, weighing the consequences of my choices more than usual, pondering my day to day existence, wondering if, indeed, I am going according to plan or whether I made a wrong turn someplace and now I have to find my way back.
Just thinking, that's all.
