kjpepper | Popcorn rant (Reply)

Dear Concessions Customer,

To make your moviegoing experience a pleasurable one (and because we don't see a cent from ticket sales) $THEATER is please to offer you our concession stand. However being a theater, we can't afford to pay our concessionists enough to deal with any aggravation above and beyond what they already endure to ensure that you and your food are brought together in as harmonious a fashion as possible, up to and including slippery floors, burning hot kettles, and being covered with oil, salt, soda, butter, and other substances on a near constant basis. The following guidlines are provided to make sure everyone's experience is a positive one.

1) If you are seeing a movie with a group of friends, order all your items at once. You'll get your food much faster than if each friend orders individually (especially if there is only one concessionist on duty).

2) Please order all of your items at once. Concessions computers retain your entire order on screen until it is rung out. she/he isn't going to forget anything, and ordering one item at a time slows up the line and makes your concessionist strongly consider homicide.

3) Please do not bitch about how expensive the bottled waters are. They already know, and have been bitched at at least twelve hundred times before you came in.

4) If you want layered butter in your popcorn, the time to ask for it is BEFORE the concessionist fills your bag. "Can you dump half of it out and put some butter in the middle?" is a question that's likely to get you stabbed.

4a) You do NOT need layered butter in a SMALL popcorn bag. No, seriously. The butter DOES go all the way down in a small bag. Plus, you will not thank us when you are having your heart attack.

4b) If you order your popcorn with layered/extra/smack-it-on-there butter, please realize that unlike a tub, a bag is only one layer of waxed paper and it is sometimes subject to leaks. The concessionists will have no sympathy if you ordered Super Mega Greasy popcorn and then come back to yell at them because you have a large oily stain in the lap of your $400 designer pants. They will, however, laugh at you once you leave.

5) Children below voting age should not be drinking Diet Coke. I don't care what the reason is.

5a) Likewise if you are so waspishly skinny that it looks like one of our concessionists can pick you up and toss you with no problems, order something bigger than a kids meal. Those are meant for five year olds, not sixteen year olds with too much makeup and a warped body image. And it's not like you get a toy with it.

5b) The concessionist will look at you funny if you are obviously by yourself and your order comprises a large popcorn with a crapton of butter, three packs of sour patch kids, a pack of Twizzlers, and a small Diet Coke "cause you're watching your figure." 850 vs 1000 calories isn't that much of a difference when we're talking about a single sitting. Live a little, get a root beer.

6) Do not cackle triumphantly after declining the concessionist's offer to upgrade your medium soda to a large one, or say anything to the effect of "your Sith Lord mind tricks will not work on me." The concessionists don't personally give a rats ass what the hell you order; they are required by their job to upsell you, and guess what, they hate it too. "No, thanks" will suffice.

7) If you're told that the concessionist cannot accept a tip, for the love of god, do not force one on them. Your arrogant display of "generosity" can cost this person their job. Keep your change.

8) The theater, including the concession stand, closes 15 minutes after the last movie starts. Please do not cross the barriers in hopes you will get just one more soda/refill/Goobers, whatever, and do not get snippy if you are told that the stand is closed. The concessionists cannot sell you anything if the managers have taken their cash drawers. Even if you can see it "right there."

8b) This does not mean they will give you popcorn and soda for free. The nozzles are probably already removed from the soda fountain, and even though they may be scooping popcorn into a large clear plastic trash bag, it does NOT mean we're "just throwing it away anyway." (We're not - last night's popcorn is used to start the next morning's machines off.)

Thank you, and enjoy your movie.

Other than the above complaints (which I've been storing up for weeks) popcorn slinging went really well. Brian G and I spent most of our downtime swapping commiseration stories about being stuck on the same place in Trauma Center - Under The Knife. Next time I'm working with him I should have something 2-person playable with me. God, DSs are so gotdam cool. :) And walking home wasn't that bad either - especially since I stopped at the Diner for "breakfast" on the way. :)

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