Dysmorphia! Whee!
Jul. 31st, 2007 12:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperSo I am wearing my first size L shirt in... shit. I mean even when i was this size before, which was what, a decade ago? I wore XLs on general principle. I honestly have no memory of wearing anything smaller than an XL. Yikes. Anyway. I got myself a cute babydoll tee at Steve and Sweatshop's. I know, ick, and Sarah Jessica Parker needs to die, but I found one that has the Empire State Building on it, I couldn't really resist, especially not at seven bucks. It's a little snug, but I don't look like a stuffed sausage or anything. Just like I have more boobs than usual. (it helps that the spire atop the building pretty much points directly at or really between them.) It's a worthy experiment to be sure and I look damn cute, but I think I'll be sticking to XL for the forseeable little while. It's a little more comfortable for one, and I'm really not ready to make the mental leap towards acknowledging myself as small enough to get comfortably into larges yet. But it definitely means the imminent retirement of most of my favorite shirts though.
It's been a strange body image week in general. I got the Annoying Lecture from my doctor last week where she's all BLOR YOUR WEIGHT and I'm like whoa, lady, I didn't even consent to being this small, lemme deal with this, and second of all, sheesh, I'm nowhere near the ohgodohgodurgonnaDIE range or the BMI, chill out. Man, I can see why this pissed off Austin so much, LOL. I didn't really care about it that much, especially considering that these guys have a very preventative medicine approach to things and frankly I really do need to reduce my junk consumption and get more exercise. But it does still annoy me a bit. Espeically since I really was in better health and shape fifty pounds ago. I had more muscle mass for one. And I think that's one reason I'm still kinda freaked out when I see myself in the mirror or hear that I've dropped another four or five pounds... It's back to the whole control thing... I am not in control of this. It would be one thing if I was actually working to lose the weight evaporating from me but I lost the majority of it because I was/am sick... that the thing. So I still have the freakout reaction regarding weight loss, and I don't know how I'm going to react to it if I start, well doing it partially on purpose. And there's the whole matrix like "residual self image" thing happening... the fact that I literally do not recognize myself when I look into mirrors. Like seriously, I don't. It's very strange watching yourself brush your teeth and constantly be thinking "That's not me. That's not me. Why is my reflection of someone completely different?" I bought a cute ruffly sundress for Sunny's wedding... I think it might have been a size 16. 14-16 anyway... I couldn't look at myself in it because it was too freaking weird not seeing my old size 18-20 self. Intellectually I knew I looked very pretty in it, but what I was kinda thinking was something along the lines of "well, that person looks very good in that dress..."
It also probably doesn't help that I'm really resistant to even remotely looking like I'm attempting to fit into conventional standards of beauty. I mean this is me... the person that feels the need to explain to the poor indifferent Friendly's waitresses that I'm ordering the low fat fribble because I'm lactose intolerant, not because I'm dieting, and takes really a frankly sadistic pleasure in following up a compliment on my weight loss with "Thanks! Crohn's disease'll do that to ya." (ask![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
manrection! I really do this!) It's understandable in some ways... I was at a place finally where I was comfortable with my size and my body, and then it went and changed on me. Some of it is guilt... there's a big part of me that doesn't want to accept, let alone like, myself smaller because part of me feels like I'm selling out the gorgeous fat girls out there. The other part, which is a little twisted is knowing that there are people out there that would gladly trade me their perfectly functional ileums for my fucked up one in the hopes that they could drop fifty pounds plus without trying too. People out there work and struggle with their weights, and all I had to do was get sick. Whee. And lets not even get into the parts that are all like... "actually, I like this." Whole other can of worms there. *headdesk*
*sigh * more things to put on the "things to work on" list I guess... and very long story short,realjordanna, I'm an XL. For now.
It's been a strange body image week in general. I got the Annoying Lecture from my doctor last week where she's all BLOR YOUR WEIGHT and I'm like whoa, lady, I didn't even consent to being this small, lemme deal with this, and second of all, sheesh, I'm nowhere near the ohgodohgodurgonnaDIE range or the BMI, chill out. Man, I can see why this pissed off Austin so much, LOL. I didn't really care about it that much, especially considering that these guys have a very preventative medicine approach to things and frankly I really do need to reduce my junk consumption and get more exercise. But it does still annoy me a bit. Espeically since I really was in better health and shape fifty pounds ago. I had more muscle mass for one. And I think that's one reason I'm still kinda freaked out when I see myself in the mirror or hear that I've dropped another four or five pounds... It's back to the whole control thing... I am not in control of this. It would be one thing if I was actually working to lose the weight evaporating from me but I lost the majority of it because I was/am sick... that the thing. So I still have the freakout reaction regarding weight loss, and I don't know how I'm going to react to it if I start, well doing it partially on purpose. And there's the whole matrix like "residual self image" thing happening... the fact that I literally do not recognize myself when I look into mirrors. Like seriously, I don't. It's very strange watching yourself brush your teeth and constantly be thinking "That's not me. That's not me. Why is my reflection of someone completely different?" I bought a cute ruffly sundress for Sunny's wedding... I think it might have been a size 16. 14-16 anyway... I couldn't look at myself in it because it was too freaking weird not seeing my old size 18-20 self. Intellectually I knew I looked very pretty in it, but what I was kinda thinking was something along the lines of "well, that person looks very good in that dress..."
It also probably doesn't help that I'm really resistant to even remotely looking like I'm attempting to fit into conventional standards of beauty. I mean this is me... the person that feels the need to explain to the poor indifferent Friendly's waitresses that I'm ordering the low fat fribble because I'm lactose intolerant, not because I'm dieting, and takes really a frankly sadistic pleasure in following up a compliment on my weight loss with "Thanks! Crohn's disease'll do that to ya." (ask
manrection! I really do this!) It's understandable in some ways... I was at a place finally where I was comfortable with my size and my body, and then it went and changed on me. Some of it is guilt... there's a big part of me that doesn't want to accept, let alone like, myself smaller because part of me feels like I'm selling out the gorgeous fat girls out there. The other part, which is a little twisted is knowing that there are people out there that would gladly trade me their perfectly functional ileums for my fucked up one in the hopes that they could drop fifty pounds plus without trying too. People out there work and struggle with their weights, and all I had to do was get sick. Whee. And lets not even get into the parts that are all like... "actually, I like this." Whole other can of worms there. *headdesk**sigh * more things to put on the "things to work on" list I guess... and very long story short,
realjordanna, I'm an XL. For now.
