kjpepper | The f*** you lookin at?

Why yes, that is a plastic vulture. He has a story, if not exactly a name other than The Vulture, and he sits at the highest vantage point in my room, above even the rafters that cross above my head, wrapped as they are in plastic and cloth roses. I just sort of looked up there in response to the sound of rain pouring onto the roof (you could say that I have a cathedral cieling, or you could just say that my room is in the attic/belfry/tower of our house) so I'm especially aware of hard rains. It's been raining hard tonight, off and on, which seems appropriate to my state of mind and mood, which is that I'm both making progress with certain things and utterly stagnating in others. I'm learning day by day that it is utterly impossible to do everything I want or need to do, there are simply not enough hours in every day and i don't have the attention span to constantly work on getting things accomplished. So painful as it may seem I think one day soon I'll have to take out the colossal To-Do list that I carry around in my head, the one with every single project I've ever concieved of practically, and let go of the ones that have been on the back burner so long that they're cooked down to caramel or worse by now. There are other things that need my attention and I need that back burner space. Maybe some day I'll pull out the recipe books and start again, cause I never let go of a project completely... it may be years later, but it will crop up again. But for now... I need to do some prioritizing and culling, and then once I have some room to breathe, follow through on the few projects I have deemed truly important.

Much as I have spread myself too thin project wise, it has also come to my attention that I'm also a bit out of spoons in other departments as well.... and it's manifesting itself in fairly negative ways and in some ways is short circuiting my normal patterns of behavior. While this is generally bad, I've woken up to seeing some of the patterns that got me into the bad ruts and now that I can see my enemies I'm working towards killing them dead. However, I come to the battle late, and have much ground to make up and about half the strength I normally have access to within myself. In a lot of ways I feel like the best thing would be to pull completely into my shell and recuperate on my own, away from the noise of other people but I don't have that option really. But I do need to do something... I'm tired all the fuck time, and I can feel how run down my body feels in response to various stresses. And the only thing I can really think of is that I need to pull back and away for a while to heal, tune up, regain my strength a little before diving back into the fray of Normal Grown Up Life, and I need to do it now... I can see challenges up the road, and I will need to be fed, repaired, fully gassed, and have had my last pee break before facing them, cause I have this nasty feeling there isn't another rest stop for 80 or so miles.

long story short... I may be harder to find for a bit between now and whenever. Back when I can be, which will hopefully be soon.