Chasing the wagon
Jan. 22nd, 2009 09:29 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperThis week's been full of the physically ill, the emotional wrangling and the hard truths and realizations.
I have discovered, to my annoyance, that this month I've fallen off the wagon big time. I've been falling behind at work, barely getting anything done at home except when getting things done at home served as procrastination from something completely else I should have been paying attention to, and barely dealing with anything else. I was doing very well last month monitoring my money and my food intake, if not actually doing much to modify my habits concerning either, and this month it's all gone completely to hell. I meant to start working out this month, and that hasn't gotten off the ground. I've ditched my to-do lists. Most alarmingly, I've been missing doses on my meds again.
Why? well, being depressed to the point of paralysis probably had something to do with it. I keep forgetting that depression doesn't always mean active despair, but can also include things like stress, apathy, feeling worthless, feeling lost, like I have been for the past little while. And yeah, I'm starting to snap out of it now, thanks to several long interesting conversations I've had in the past week. But looking back down the line... Shit. This is something I've had to contend with my entire life, just a constant struggle within myself to maintain some small shred of discipline, and then letting one or two things unravel it completely. Hell, kind of explains my entire college experience. But yeah... there's the starting out well, then there's the impatience and frustration, the "fuck its", the damage incurred by the "fuck its," the utter despair/terror incurred by repairing said damage, finally suiting up and dealing with the consequences of my actions, starting over, rinse, lather, repeat. It probably doesn't help that this has happened so many times in so many aspects of my life that I actually start things expecting them to derail horribly and fail due to some self sabotage fuckery on my part.
I'm reminded of the scene in Better Off Dead when the preposterously cute Monique is lecturing Lane about his lack of self-confidence. I really relate to Lane a lot more than I should these days, but there are valid parallels that probably shouldn't be dismissed. And maybe like Lane, what I need is a small taste of success. Smaller goals instead of the crazy large scale plans I'm constantly daydreaming and disappointed about. And not to be so hard on myself when I fall off the damn wagon, since most of the reason falling off is so bad for me is because I spend so much time either beating myself up for yet another failure or taking the failure and compounding it in "in for a penny, in for a pound" style.
And another thing... something that sent me into a bit of a tailspin, and then actually snapped me back out of my funk was several people (one in particular), telling me this week alone that they either trusted, had faith in, or respected me. The tailspin was because I didn't feel worthy of any of it. The snap out was me realizing that I was using someone else's unit of measure to determine my own worth. I won't say the measure I was previously using was flawed, cause I can't really determine that, but if I don't figure out how my own yardstick works, I'm always going to feel like damaged goods, and... I really don't want to do that. It's not a nice feeling, and kinda makes it easier for me to fuck shit up because I feel like it's expected. And besides... there's the part of me that knows it's wrong, that if I really REALLY just managed to grit my teeth and pull through that wall I always hit when trying to accomplish something, I can. Plus... like Blue told me this afternoon when I was wibbling to him about it... if someone tells you they trust you and you're not sure if you deserve it, you have three options: break it, hand it back, or become worthy of that trust.
"I'm not perky. But I'd like to be." -- Wednesday Addams. And yeah... I recognize the irony inherent in the quote.
So. Back to chasing the wagon for me. We'll see if I catch up and stay on it for a while this time... and if I don't... try to remember that the longer I sit on the road and wibble about falling off in the first place, the longer it'll take for me to chase it down and get back on again.
Wish me luck.
I have discovered, to my annoyance, that this month I've fallen off the wagon big time. I've been falling behind at work, barely getting anything done at home except when getting things done at home served as procrastination from something completely else I should have been paying attention to, and barely dealing with anything else. I was doing very well last month monitoring my money and my food intake, if not actually doing much to modify my habits concerning either, and this month it's all gone completely to hell. I meant to start working out this month, and that hasn't gotten off the ground. I've ditched my to-do lists. Most alarmingly, I've been missing doses on my meds again.
Why? well, being depressed to the point of paralysis probably had something to do with it. I keep forgetting that depression doesn't always mean active despair, but can also include things like stress, apathy, feeling worthless, feeling lost, like I have been for the past little while. And yeah, I'm starting to snap out of it now, thanks to several long interesting conversations I've had in the past week. But looking back down the line... Shit. This is something I've had to contend with my entire life, just a constant struggle within myself to maintain some small shred of discipline, and then letting one or two things unravel it completely. Hell, kind of explains my entire college experience. But yeah... there's the starting out well, then there's the impatience and frustration, the "fuck its", the damage incurred by the "fuck its," the utter despair/terror incurred by repairing said damage, finally suiting up and dealing with the consequences of my actions, starting over, rinse, lather, repeat. It probably doesn't help that this has happened so many times in so many aspects of my life that I actually start things expecting them to derail horribly and fail due to some self sabotage fuckery on my part.
I'm reminded of the scene in Better Off Dead when the preposterously cute Monique is lecturing Lane about his lack of self-confidence. I really relate to Lane a lot more than I should these days, but there are valid parallels that probably shouldn't be dismissed. And maybe like Lane, what I need is a small taste of success. Smaller goals instead of the crazy large scale plans I'm constantly daydreaming and disappointed about. And not to be so hard on myself when I fall off the damn wagon, since most of the reason falling off is so bad for me is because I spend so much time either beating myself up for yet another failure or taking the failure and compounding it in "in for a penny, in for a pound" style.
And another thing... something that sent me into a bit of a tailspin, and then actually snapped me back out of my funk was several people (one in particular), telling me this week alone that they either trusted, had faith in, or respected me. The tailspin was because I didn't feel worthy of any of it. The snap out was me realizing that I was using someone else's unit of measure to determine my own worth. I won't say the measure I was previously using was flawed, cause I can't really determine that, but if I don't figure out how my own yardstick works, I'm always going to feel like damaged goods, and... I really don't want to do that. It's not a nice feeling, and kinda makes it easier for me to fuck shit up because I feel like it's expected. And besides... there's the part of me that knows it's wrong, that if I really REALLY just managed to grit my teeth and pull through that wall I always hit when trying to accomplish something, I can. Plus... like Blue told me this afternoon when I was wibbling to him about it... if someone tells you they trust you and you're not sure if you deserve it, you have three options: break it, hand it back, or become worthy of that trust.
"I'm not perky. But I'd like to be." -- Wednesday Addams. And yeah... I recognize the irony inherent in the quote.
So. Back to chasing the wagon for me. We'll see if I catch up and stay on it for a while this time... and if I don't... try to remember that the longer I sit on the road and wibble about falling off in the first place, the longer it'll take for me to chase it down and get back on again.
Wish me luck.
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no subject
Date: 2009-01-23 02:57 am (UTC)Someone else might say they trust or respect or believe in you for any number of reasons, only some of which might have anything to do with you at all. The real question is...do you trust yourself, to behave in a manner that you believe is right? For that matter, what do you believe? What are the principles you wish to live by?
no subject
Date: 2009-01-23 04:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-01-23 01:26 pm (UTC)I was talking about my own wording of the penny/pound thing this week, as it was part of a dream that reflects a dynamic of mine. Think I might find the $50 to go say hello to my head doctor, 'cause ruts suck.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2009-01-23 02:49 pm (UTC)Take each day as it comes.
Hang in there.
You can do it! When you think you can't do it... remember that you have friends, who will help you figure out how to do it. (cause that's just what friends do)
no subject
Date: 2009-01-23 04:10 pm (UTC)