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kjpepperYou know, I haven't done a magician scarf ramble post in a while.
I've been thinking about communication a lot in the past couple of weeks, and how, when all is said and done, I suck at it. There's a funny side to this, as I know I'm the person on everyone's friends list that posts the most outside of communities and feeds. But when you really think about it, what do I actually say? It's all kind of the ever changing stuff on the surface of my attention. It's long rambly posts about what I'm doing, or what I've seen on the nets, or what is happening to me right now - basically glorified, pages long twitter updates. When it comes to Real Serious Shit™, it takes a severe push (or really strong alcohol) in whatever direction for me to actually open up about what's actually going on under the smoke and mirrors. Otherwise I shut up tighter than the National Treasury.
The past little while I've started to question what I'm really afraid of. Especially since this sort of communication shutdown is exactly what's tanked every single one of my adult relationships, friendly and romantic alike. I can pinpoint an instance in all of them where some boundary of mine got violated and I should have said "I am not okay with this and it needs to stop/be addressed/be worked through." And I didn't do that, and shit unraveled in various styles of cockwaddery from there.
So I've been sitting with this for a couple of weeks now, turning it over in my head like a seriously fuxxored Rubix cube, trying to puzzle out the first move towards fixing it. I've had some interesting conversations with various people about it, and in one case a rather spectacular meltdown on 5th Avenue (the Brooklyn one, not the Manhattan one) was had where something I'd been carrying around for over a year bubbled to the surface and caused waterworks in both parties. I have a fair idea of what's fuelling it all... There's fear and insecurity on one part, where I'm afraid that I'll end up looking stupid or be made to feel stupid about whatever it is, or worse, I'll express something and have it be completely ignored or met with dead silence. I'd like to say this is entirely groundless, but it's happened enough in my history to leave me with a bit of a complex. This is why I have tried valiantly to enact a don't sweat the small stuff policy, but what always happens is that small stuff escalates, and then I still don't say anything because I then feel like the statute of limitations on when I can say something about ($x little thing) (or sometimes even ($x big thing)) has run out, and cue feeling stupid about dredging something up long after the fact. (Yay, vicious cycle!) On the other hand.... there's a personal responsibility aspect of it as well. If I keep shit locked up, then it never becomes real in a sense, and I then don't have to deal with the aftermath/consequences of saying something. That, I realize is patently stupid, as the aftermath/consequences usually are far worse in my head than they ever are in reality. That and holding everything in has a price as well... see above statement about how this has essentially killed all of my adult relationships? Yyyyyyyyyyyyeah, about that. Not to mention I'm sure it's had a fairly detrimental effect on my health as well.
I realize that once again this is probably a good point to enlist the aid of a professional, but this issue directly plays into why I haven't been seeing one. Considering my main problem is feeling safe enough to actually say what's wrong beyond surface irritation, therapy only goes so far before I manage to completely sabotage the process. It might be worth seeing if Chiquitita has a spare half hour during the time I'm in the valley, though, just cause I've established enough of a relationship with her to maybe try sort of working on this shit. Meanwhile... I'm trying to figure out where to start opening up/reaching out more, cause... this can't continue. I don't want to be sitting here making the exact same post in another six months/year/decade, you know? And it's not something other people can really do anything about for me. Going back to the 5th Avenue meltdown, one of the things that was said to me afterward was that the other person regretted failing to make me feel safe enough to be able to say what was wrong in the first place, and me knowing that in the end, that part of it wasn't anyone's fault but mine cause the unsafe feeling is all in my head. Yeah... that's... not okay.
*sigh* Anyway. I'm thinking I need to be a little less Jay and a little more Silent Bob. I feel like a lot of the times I talk to fill silence, as silence is where all these demons live and talking, putting noise out there, keeping an ongoing stream of surface chatter going keeps me from having to do or say or even feel anything too real. I wouldn't expect the daily livejournal flood to stop anytime soon, but... I guess I just need to be more mindful of what I'm doing... and not be so scared to drop something that dives below the surface into here more often.
Feedback, any at all, encouraged and appreciated. I kinda need to hear/read voices today.
I've been thinking about communication a lot in the past couple of weeks, and how, when all is said and done, I suck at it. There's a funny side to this, as I know I'm the person on everyone's friends list that posts the most outside of communities and feeds. But when you really think about it, what do I actually say? It's all kind of the ever changing stuff on the surface of my attention. It's long rambly posts about what I'm doing, or what I've seen on the nets, or what is happening to me right now - basically glorified, pages long twitter updates. When it comes to Real Serious Shit™, it takes a severe push (or really strong alcohol) in whatever direction for me to actually open up about what's actually going on under the smoke and mirrors. Otherwise I shut up tighter than the National Treasury.
The past little while I've started to question what I'm really afraid of. Especially since this sort of communication shutdown is exactly what's tanked every single one of my adult relationships, friendly and romantic alike. I can pinpoint an instance in all of them where some boundary of mine got violated and I should have said "I am not okay with this and it needs to stop/be addressed/be worked through." And I didn't do that, and shit unraveled in various styles of cockwaddery from there.
So I've been sitting with this for a couple of weeks now, turning it over in my head like a seriously fuxxored Rubix cube, trying to puzzle out the first move towards fixing it. I've had some interesting conversations with various people about it, and in one case a rather spectacular meltdown on 5th Avenue (the Brooklyn one, not the Manhattan one) was had where something I'd been carrying around for over a year bubbled to the surface and caused waterworks in both parties. I have a fair idea of what's fuelling it all... There's fear and insecurity on one part, where I'm afraid that I'll end up looking stupid or be made to feel stupid about whatever it is, or worse, I'll express something and have it be completely ignored or met with dead silence. I'd like to say this is entirely groundless, but it's happened enough in my history to leave me with a bit of a complex. This is why I have tried valiantly to enact a don't sweat the small stuff policy, but what always happens is that small stuff escalates, and then I still don't say anything because I then feel like the statute of limitations on when I can say something about ($x little thing) (or sometimes even ($x big thing)) has run out, and cue feeling stupid about dredging something up long after the fact. (Yay, vicious cycle!) On the other hand.... there's a personal responsibility aspect of it as well. If I keep shit locked up, then it never becomes real in a sense, and I then don't have to deal with the aftermath/consequences of saying something. That, I realize is patently stupid, as the aftermath/consequences usually are far worse in my head than they ever are in reality. That and holding everything in has a price as well... see above statement about how this has essentially killed all of my adult relationships? Yyyyyyyyyyyyeah, about that. Not to mention I'm sure it's had a fairly detrimental effect on my health as well.
I realize that once again this is probably a good point to enlist the aid of a professional, but this issue directly plays into why I haven't been seeing one. Considering my main problem is feeling safe enough to actually say what's wrong beyond surface irritation, therapy only goes so far before I manage to completely sabotage the process. It might be worth seeing if Chiquitita has a spare half hour during the time I'm in the valley, though, just cause I've established enough of a relationship with her to maybe try sort of working on this shit. Meanwhile... I'm trying to figure out where to start opening up/reaching out more, cause... this can't continue. I don't want to be sitting here making the exact same post in another six months/year/decade, you know? And it's not something other people can really do anything about for me. Going back to the 5th Avenue meltdown, one of the things that was said to me afterward was that the other person regretted failing to make me feel safe enough to be able to say what was wrong in the first place, and me knowing that in the end, that part of it wasn't anyone's fault but mine cause the unsafe feeling is all in my head. Yeah... that's... not okay.
*sigh* Anyway. I'm thinking I need to be a little less Jay and a little more Silent Bob. I feel like a lot of the times I talk to fill silence, as silence is where all these demons live and talking, putting noise out there, keeping an ongoing stream of surface chatter going keeps me from having to do or say or even feel anything too real. I wouldn't expect the daily livejournal flood to stop anytime soon, but... I guess I just need to be more mindful of what I'm doing... and not be so scared to drop something that dives below the surface into here more often.
Feedback, any at all, encouraged and appreciated. I kinda need to hear/read voices today.
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no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 05:13 pm (UTC)It has set the stage for me to just assume that no matter what I say about something that is upsetting me ... if I tell the person , it won't make a damn bit of difference ... that nothing will change , thus why speak up to be ignored? A most unhelpful pattern.
Definately something I need to work on and stab with a spork.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 05:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 05:30 pm (UTC)On a more specific note, I've noticed that whenever you talk about communications failures you refer to instances of 'they did this thing that wasn't okay and I didn't speak up to tell them so.' No one likes to be told that they did 'wrong', so yes, I would say that if you had said that it might very well be met with bad outcome. Not to say that it isn't worth doing. Sometimes you have to...but very few people take it well.
One more thing...
Before you conclude that all your relationship problems are/have been caused by you giving too much, or allowing people to walk all over you, or not looking after your own needs enough...be sure that that is actually the case. A lot of people think that about themselves; it's a rather...charming flaw to have, and fairly non-ego bruising to conclude that one has it.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 05:38 pm (UTC)I wouldn't say that _all_ of the problems were directly my fault because of this. But this sort of thing certainly doesn't help in terms of getting whatever other problems there were solved.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 05:49 pm (UTC)I was just making the general observation that one rarely hears people say, 'You know what my problem is in relationships? I am selfish and I use people.'
Statistically speaking, I can't help but doubt that there are as many people whose main flaw is an excess of selflessness as there are people who *think* that's their main flaw.
no subject
Date: 2009-05-15 05:50 pm (UTC)*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2009-05-16 05:10 am (UTC)I keep doing scribbled-out lists of the issues in my head, outlines of the topics in my brain. It seems to help just to see the stark, unadorned names of my fears. I shred them later, but it does help.
Also helpful: martial arts. Nothing makes you feel better like exercise combined with the ability to kick the hell out of something.