Up too late . . .

Somehow it seems that I'm always up really really late either fooling with my own hair or someone elses.

Tonight was the beginning of the Great Dreadlock project that beatgoddess and I have been discussing for oh, years now. What surprised me was that it took nearly five hours and a sitting of Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Coming to America to do . . . 7 dreads. Thank goodness most of beatgoddess's head is shaved otherwise I might have cried. Looks like this will be an evening project for much of the rest of the week.

I biked about six miles today, as I rode from work down the Norwottuck trail to the Hampshire Mall in quest of Sprawl-fart and free weights. Bought 2 ten pound dumbbells, which made carrying my backpack onto the bus and the several blocks home really interesting. Luckily, I didn't have to ride back! Funny, the trail didn't seem as strenuous as I remember, but then again you can get away with anything if the Lords of Acid are singing "Mr. Machoman" at you.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz more tamara, I gotta go beddybye

Fuck everything

My left kneecap hurts like fuck.

I have a splitting headache.

I only got three hours of sleep last night.

I'm hungry.

One of my back upper molars has sprouted this sharp-ass shard of horrendousness that is poking through my gum and irritating the inside of my cheek.

My eyes are red and itchy. I hate crying during allergy season.

I'm fucking done. I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of not trying because I'm afraid I'll fail. I'm tired of trying and then no matter what, failing. I'm tired of this cycle of self-sabotage. I tired of feeling like everything I touch, love, pour effort into, support, and help with will invariably crumble to shit before my very eyes. I'm tired of feeling like the good things in my life are cosmic accidents, and they'll be taken away from me once the gods wake up and realize their mistake. I'm tired of feeling stuck. I'm tired of supporting every person that seems to need it, only to get left behind. I am not a goddamn stepping stone, so why the fuck have I felt like one for most of my life? I hate the fact that my life is a constant uphill battle. I don't look a damn thing like Sisyphus, why the hell am I rolling this stone up this mountain again? I'm tired of feeling like the gods are having a big laugh at my expense. I'm tired of disappointing everyone who believes in me. I'm tired of disappointing myself. Fuck. This.

Doctor doctor won't you please prescribe me something
A day in the life of someone else
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself
Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
Its bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else...

Thank you, Pink. Drive through.

on a good note...

I came up with two neat project ideas and had one percolating in the brain where it's been simmering under low heat for a while.

Two are writing projects. When's the last time I got all excited about those? One is a story I've been working on again off again for a year or so now . . . I finally came up with a title for it as well as a little more overall structure in terms of plot. The title's Favorable Conditions . . . girl meets boy, girl likes boy, girl tells boy after two years, boy has fit, girl has to prove to boy that yes, unconditional love is possible.

The other I came up with at work today and thought it would be a neat web writing project. (Hey, I need something in there besides haiku.) This one's called Permanent Markers, and what I want to do is go over my body, head to toe, and tell the stories of each scar I find, with anecdotes about random birthmarks and honerable mentions for my cute moles. If I got really ambitious, I might have one of the ho(mo)s help me illustrate it with the marks in question. ah, digital cameras.

The non-writing project is just another possible mix tape/CD idea, but the title of it (especially to my anime obsessed friends) struck me as pretty funny so I thought I'd include it. The mix would include VNV Nation, Apoptygma Berzerk, Funker Vogt, Assemblage 23, and covenant (with some other shit thrown in) . . . and the title? Futurepop Phantom.

better . . .

amazing what leftover homemade pizza, a sympathetic call from a Ho(mo) and a letter written on silly smiley face stationary and festooned with sparkly face stickers does to boost the mood. Thank you sundart, beatgoddess and gossamer_gull, for making my day less shitty.