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Musings and Happenings
Nov. 18th, 2003 06:27 pmThis is going to be one long ass post. *cracks knuckles*
first of all something fun. Yesterday and Sunday when I was losing my mind and being utterly unproductive I caught myself wishing someone would post some sort of meme or silly quiz for me to take so I could safety valve some of the major twitchitude of myself. A little late, but finally![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
denonymous granted the wish. :)
( 25 questions )
I've been thinking in that weird introspective deep headspace kind of way all day. Mostly about life experience. Bob yesterday seemed so chock full of it. Granted much of it was shitty, but he was really philosophical about it, especially when he was talking about why he believed in reincarnation. "You're alive to experience things, and each time you come back, it's to experience something different. Good stuff and bad stuff. It's all experience, and you're supposed to learn from it, until you're ready to move on to the next level."
"Kinda like playing Nintendo," I said. "You learn where all the things on each level are and when you get to the end, you move on."
He laughed. "Exactly."
Anyway, since then, especially this morning, I've been taking stock the quarter century and change I've been alive, examining what I have, in fact experienced. By some standards, not a whole lot - one of the things I hate to admit to people is how sheltered and insular my life actually was. My parents didn't let me out of the house by myself until I was at least fifteen, and while they may have had their own misguided reasons, it led to me being really fucking stifled growing up and probably contributed to me royally fucking up college - considering I knew nothing and had done nothing lifewise except, with a couple of exceptions, gone to school and come right home like a good little girl, I wasn't in the best mind set to sit down and quietly study. And since college I've stayed put in Northampton. I haven't been out of the country (which is really funny considering the school I went to for 11 years)... hell, I haven't been west of Chicago. or, excepting a couple of trips to Florida and one trip to Austin, Texas that I barely remember, south of Virginia Beach. And I'm starting to climb the walls. I can feel it every time I hear a song that makes me want to move down an open road going at least 60 mph. Seriously starting to wonder whether I should get my license, get a really old clunky car, and just drive all over the country for a while and see shit. That or take up driving 18 wheelers. Once upon a time my mom thought about doing that, and I thought that was the coolest shit ever... Something.
And then I started thinking about the stuff I have gone through. I survived, and mostly escaped, a claustrophobic abusive environment. I've fallen in love quite a few times, had my heart and my soul shattered completely a few times, and bounced back a few times. I've found a few people with whom I can be completely comfortable. I've been pretty sexually adventurous, will probably continue to be so, to the point where I'm chilling with my sexuality, if not exactly my body. I have the ability to make everyone I meet laugh at least once. I've loved, I've hated, I've laughed, I've cried, I've sang, I've danced, I've gained, I've lost, I've gotten angry, I've gotten so depressed I wanted to die, I've felt so euphoric I wanted to sprout wings and fly, and I've ... just been.
So I start to wonder... what counts more in the long run? What you've done and what you've seen? Or the people you've shared your life with, no matter where and why? I realized I don't know the answer to that question, and maybe it's time I get the hell off my ass and go find out. Not permanently - I've got too much of a roosting instinct for that. But for a while.
Of course, all day has been a "Ring, ring, rest of your life calling" jamboree. As I was mulling over the above in the back of my mind, someone from Smith Counseling Services called my work number. They want me to haul my ass in ASAP (read next monday) for my interview. Back to the paperwork trenches, I guess, but I was happy for the wake-up call - sort of confirmation that my thoughts are going in the right direction.
Meanwhile in the middle of my afternoon the news fluttered through our very gay-friendly office about the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruling about gay marriage, and once again I had to think about my own mixed feelings about the subject of marriage in general. I'm into long term commitments to people you love. I'm not into the paper, legalese, and social rewards that tend to go with traditional marriage, not to mention marriages, as it stands, be they gay or straight, tend to only mean 2 people in the equation. I mean, what? If it's possible to be in love with multiple people it should be possible to commit to multiple people. And it is actually possible with a little legal and financial wrangling. But if you want the goody bag that goes with the inclusion of the marriage club - health benefits, joint tax returns, bragging rights, what have you... I dunno, I'm still really squicky about that. I'm not a big fan of a sacred connection between people being exploited just because one person wants to be covered under another person's health plan. I recognize the necessity of it in the current workings of the world, but I sure as hell don't think that's how the world should work. I mean, first of all there should be health care for everybody. But that's another argument.
Ah well. Considering who's in office we can probably expect that there will be yet another "one (1) biological male, one (1) biological female" clause written into the Massachusetts constitution fairly soon. If the opposite happens I will sit down with a large ketchup bottle and eat a plateful of calamari and portabella mushrooms. Those of you that know me know that this is not an idly made promise. There are reasons why I don't consume fungus and tenticular seafood...
The universe tossed me a gift as well today, in the form of seeing my almost dream truck on my lunch break. I was heading back into the office and was stopped in my tracks by the sight of an electric blue Ford Ranger XLT coming down Market Street. Mommy. Not quite the make of truck I need, and I'm probably going to want something a little more in the purple range, but at that moment, that blue truck was the most beautiful thing I'd seen all day. *drool* *covet* So far I seem to be leaning towards wanting a Ford F150, a Dodge Dakota, or a Toyota Tundra. But again, there are little things like learning to drive in general and learning to drive a stick that need to come first. Plus I seem to remember Toyota threatening to have their entire line of vehicles go hybrid in the next few years, so I might hold out for that and get a Prius in the meantime.
I think the universe is telling me that I need to tie up and cut my loose ends, keep the important stuff, and move on. And you know, it's about damn time.
Of course, I think before I run off and do that, I've got a sink full of dishes to do.
first of all something fun. Yesterday and Sunday when I was losing my mind and being utterly unproductive I caught myself wishing someone would post some sort of meme or silly quiz for me to take so I could safety valve some of the major twitchitude of myself. A little late, but finally
denonymous granted the wish. :)( 25 questions )
I've been thinking in that weird introspective deep headspace kind of way all day. Mostly about life experience. Bob yesterday seemed so chock full of it. Granted much of it was shitty, but he was really philosophical about it, especially when he was talking about why he believed in reincarnation. "You're alive to experience things, and each time you come back, it's to experience something different. Good stuff and bad stuff. It's all experience, and you're supposed to learn from it, until you're ready to move on to the next level."
"Kinda like playing Nintendo," I said. "You learn where all the things on each level are and when you get to the end, you move on."
He laughed. "Exactly."
Anyway, since then, especially this morning, I've been taking stock the quarter century and change I've been alive, examining what I have, in fact experienced. By some standards, not a whole lot - one of the things I hate to admit to people is how sheltered and insular my life actually was. My parents didn't let me out of the house by myself until I was at least fifteen, and while they may have had their own misguided reasons, it led to me being really fucking stifled growing up and probably contributed to me royally fucking up college - considering I knew nothing and had done nothing lifewise except, with a couple of exceptions, gone to school and come right home like a good little girl, I wasn't in the best mind set to sit down and quietly study. And since college I've stayed put in Northampton. I haven't been out of the country (which is really funny considering the school I went to for 11 years)... hell, I haven't been west of Chicago. or, excepting a couple of trips to Florida and one trip to Austin, Texas that I barely remember, south of Virginia Beach. And I'm starting to climb the walls. I can feel it every time I hear a song that makes me want to move down an open road going at least 60 mph. Seriously starting to wonder whether I should get my license, get a really old clunky car, and just drive all over the country for a while and see shit. That or take up driving 18 wheelers. Once upon a time my mom thought about doing that, and I thought that was the coolest shit ever... Something.
And then I started thinking about the stuff I have gone through. I survived, and mostly escaped, a claustrophobic abusive environment. I've fallen in love quite a few times, had my heart and my soul shattered completely a few times, and bounced back a few times. I've found a few people with whom I can be completely comfortable. I've been pretty sexually adventurous, will probably continue to be so, to the point where I'm chilling with my sexuality, if not exactly my body. I have the ability to make everyone I meet laugh at least once. I've loved, I've hated, I've laughed, I've cried, I've sang, I've danced, I've gained, I've lost, I've gotten angry, I've gotten so depressed I wanted to die, I've felt so euphoric I wanted to sprout wings and fly, and I've ... just been.
So I start to wonder... what counts more in the long run? What you've done and what you've seen? Or the people you've shared your life with, no matter where and why? I realized I don't know the answer to that question, and maybe it's time I get the hell off my ass and go find out. Not permanently - I've got too much of a roosting instinct for that. But for a while.
Of course, all day has been a "Ring, ring, rest of your life calling" jamboree. As I was mulling over the above in the back of my mind, someone from Smith Counseling Services called my work number. They want me to haul my ass in ASAP (read next monday) for my interview. Back to the paperwork trenches, I guess, but I was happy for the wake-up call - sort of confirmation that my thoughts are going in the right direction.
Meanwhile in the middle of my afternoon the news fluttered through our very gay-friendly office about the Massachusetts Supreme Court ruling about gay marriage, and once again I had to think about my own mixed feelings about the subject of marriage in general. I'm into long term commitments to people you love. I'm not into the paper, legalese, and social rewards that tend to go with traditional marriage, not to mention marriages, as it stands, be they gay or straight, tend to only mean 2 people in the equation. I mean, what? If it's possible to be in love with multiple people it should be possible to commit to multiple people. And it is actually possible with a little legal and financial wrangling. But if you want the goody bag that goes with the inclusion of the marriage club - health benefits, joint tax returns, bragging rights, what have you... I dunno, I'm still really squicky about that. I'm not a big fan of a sacred connection between people being exploited just because one person wants to be covered under another person's health plan. I recognize the necessity of it in the current workings of the world, but I sure as hell don't think that's how the world should work. I mean, first of all there should be health care for everybody. But that's another argument.
Ah well. Considering who's in office we can probably expect that there will be yet another "one (1) biological male, one (1) biological female" clause written into the Massachusetts constitution fairly soon. If the opposite happens I will sit down with a large ketchup bottle and eat a plateful of calamari and portabella mushrooms. Those of you that know me know that this is not an idly made promise. There are reasons why I don't consume fungus and tenticular seafood...
The universe tossed me a gift as well today, in the form of seeing my almost dream truck on my lunch break. I was heading back into the office and was stopped in my tracks by the sight of an electric blue Ford Ranger XLT coming down Market Street. Mommy. Not quite the make of truck I need, and I'm probably going to want something a little more in the purple range, but at that moment, that blue truck was the most beautiful thing I'd seen all day. *drool* *covet* So far I seem to be leaning towards wanting a Ford F150, a Dodge Dakota, or a Toyota Tundra. But again, there are little things like learning to drive in general and learning to drive a stick that need to come first. Plus I seem to remember Toyota threatening to have their entire line of vehicles go hybrid in the next few years, so I might hold out for that and get a Prius in the meantime.
I think the universe is telling me that I need to tie up and cut my loose ends, keep the important stuff, and move on. And you know, it's about damn time.
Of course, I think before I run off and do that, I've got a sink full of dishes to do.
