Agenda for today

• Work!
  
• Lord of the Rings, The return of the King. 5:30 show at Cinefart. oh my god, weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
  
• Perhaps a wee bit of craft project tonight or reading afterwards.
  

Now if we can figure out why the hell I'm awake right now, we'd have a head start on the day...

Joy

Have I no control, is my soul not mine?
Am I not just man, destiny defined?
Never to be ruled nor held to heel.
Not heaven or hell just the land between.
Am I not man, does my heart not bleed?
No Lord, no God, no hate, no pity, no pain, just ME.
Comprehend and countermand.
Synchronous guidance. I choose my way.
Never to be ruled nor held to heel.
Not heaven or hell just the land between.

And am I not man?

So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why am I lone and why do I feel that
I carry a sword through a battlefield?
So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why do I fight and why do I feel that
I carry a sword, that I carry a sword
Through a battlefield?

Like the path to heaven or the road to hell
our choice is our own consequences bind.
We are the kings of wisdom, the fools as well.
We are the gods to many, we are humble men.
We who build great works just to break them down.
We who make our rules so we never fail.

So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why am I lone and why do I feel that
I carry a sword through a battlefield?
So why do I love when I still feel pain?
When does it end, when is my work done?
Why do I fight and why do I feel that
I carry a sword, that I carry a sword
Through a battlefield?

Ye gods, I'm tired of feeling this way, tired of feeling like no matter how hard I try I'm doomed to fail in some way. I'm tired of the uphill battle that is my life, I'm tired of feeling like this is all there is to hope for or look forward to, just this wall of ineffectual rage and bottomless despair. I'm tired of feeling like the few truly good things about my life are merely accidents of the fates, that somehow I'm not meant to have them and do not deserve them. I'm tired of December after December coming to the end of a dying year and forcing myself to face up to the disappointments of the past 12 months and cutting yet another heavy load of losses, with the hope that next year will be better. Yeah well, you know what? It never gets better. January 1st goes by and by January 2nd I've already managed to screw up something royally. When does it end? When do I run out of tears? When do I decide that I'm fucking done and stop dragging my carcass out of bed to get through yet another pointless day?

I'm so fucking exhausted, and yet the noise never dies, the list of stuff that I have to deal with never gets any shorter, and god when does it fucking stop? Or does it? It better. Someone tell me it stops, or gets better, or something, because damn it, it feels like every day another part of me gets sucked irretreivably away, and it feels like there isn't much of me left, and that's not good because I still have to get through Dec 23rd, and then Christmas with the Brownes...

So tired of forcing myself to be strong and grown up and keep soldiering through all the suckage. Want to run the hell away from everything and everybody and just start over. This isn't working anymore.

And why won't my mother leave me the fuck alone???

In other news

LotR:tRotK kicked ass six ways from Sunday. Except now I've got that weird letdown feeling you get when you come to the absolute end of a story or a series, that heavy "That's it, there isn't any more" feeling.