Paradigm shifts

I'm home.

My, I never quite realize how important being touched by people who love me is until I go back to my bio-family where no one ever touches each other except to discipline or to give very stale, sterile hugs. So it was hardly any wonder that my first five minutes home saw me kissing sundart rather enthusiastically in the kitchen. :) I sort of feel like I've got my equilibrium back now.

I took some pictures with the new camera, and am crossing my fingers as to their quality. Haven't gotten around to actually getting them off the camera yet.

So glad to be back here, y'alls have no idea.

Good news...

Got a letter from Smith confirming my readmission. Shit, I don't understand how I've gotten so goddamned cynical and pessimistic when it comes to my own life. Somehow, despite the front I was putting on for my family just this past week ("Oh yeah, classes start the last week in January. Yep, looking forward to it. Blah Blah Blah. Don't you people care about any other fucking aspect of my life?") I had actually managed to convince myself that something had gone wrong (again) and that I had forgotten, despite my efforts, some majorly vital step in the process and that once again I'd have to shelve my plans for another six months or so. And so, despite knowing I had gotten almost everything I needed to do done, reading the words "Dear Ms. Browne, we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted blah blah blah" came as a jaw dropping shock. Or maybe it wasn't that that was shocking. Maybe it's just "Oh. Shit. The rest of my life."

I'm scared shitless, actually, especially as I'm going to have to deal head on with some parts of myself that quite frankly want me to fail, and often succeed in sabotaging my efforts towards any of my goals, as was pointed out rather pissily by a tarot spread sundart laid for me concerning the subject. Going to have to really work on that if I want to get through the semester alive, sane, and with my damn diploma finally.

Speaking of paradigm shifts... The gaggle on my sexlock know far too much than is healthy about what's been going on between me and timarok (anyone else want to be privy to my explicit oversharing? Let me know and I'll put you on), but I've been more or less avoiding acknowledging that something is actually going on in anything other than oblique hints. This is for a lot of reasons, mostly my own inability to deal with some of it. Like my announcement from Smith, it always takes me far longer to accept something insanely good happening to me, as opposed to when something insanely bad is. And also, I still can't really pin down exactly what is going on other than the fact that I'm quite frankly crazy about him and he seems to return the sentiment. Whatever it is, it's good. *bounce* sundart says he makes me glowy, which I wonder if she's just saying because she likes being one of the proud few that can actually tell when I'm blushing. grr. :)

Out of blue comes green, and every cloud does have a bright silver lining. The last two or so months have been really fucking shitty for me emotionally, but I'm sensing the tide changing, and not just because the new year is barrelling down upon us like a speeding train. I've been feeling less and less like my life is in some sort of limbo this past year, and that some events have been shoving me inexorably to tie up my loose ends and move on to something different than what I'm currently experiencing. Still... not everything changes. All my friends, both reading this entry and otherwise, are still for the most part present, accounted for, and loved fiercely, despite my disinclination towards communication in every medium save LJ of late.

Looking forward to my first good night's sleep in three or four days. On two squishy futons instead of one. Next to a warm yummy girl. :)