*crash, restart*

Well. Woke up at 7 with a headache to end all headaches. My back is killing me from neck to tailbone, and my digestive system is still all fucked up. Chinese last night was so not a good idea. Not to mention I've been thinking too hard and not doing enough. Thought an hour more of sleep might fix it, but if anything I feel worse now. Ugh. So I called in. Maybe the day off might make things ok, and maybe I'll actually get some shit done while I'm taking it easy. Lord knows I need to.

I'm going to go lie on the floor for a bit, kthxbye.

December whispers of treachery

It's a little sobering to poke around in my entries from exactly a year ago and realize that I get depressed every fucking December. For different reasons, mind, but still. Yikes. I was just kinda reading through and being all like... okay so this is kinda cyclical. Grand. It sucks that I have to go through it, but it also means that there is an end in sight, maybe.

I also found an entry I'd written upon coming back from a weekend in NY and observing how Mom wasn't getting any better and would probably not be around by this time the next year. *sigh* 's funny how I've managed to completely not think about that other than occasionally wanting to call her and ask her stuff - what's the last line in "Tell me why?" Where'd you stash my green sweater? What's Grandma's number and address? Any gossip? - and then remembering she's not there. That used to make me cry, now it's just kind of an "oh yeah, shit" kinda reaction. I mean, it's not like we were close, but understandibly, my brain seems to feel the need to dredge up the stuff that was uniquely hers - except with little holes where I can't remember things.

I have to wonder whether one of the things in my head that I'm running from lately has to do with her. On one hand, yeah, I miss my mommy, and it's a big change not having her there, and I admit I eventually did kinda emotionally crash (hence my not really getting to Dad's posters or Ruthy's funeral annoucements yet). And we all know how well I cope with change - kicking, screaming, digging my heels in. yeah. But it's also like - I don't know. I think one of the reasons I am really immature (immatoor, ha ha, never have to hear that again) in a lot of ways is cause of the dynamic I had with her. I was her baby... and in a lot of ways that sort of perception affected me and my whole sense of "grown up." Like I wasn't allowed to really do it. Now that I'm sort of getting over the shock of it, I feel like I'm on the cusp of a choice - I could use the fact that she's gone as an opportunity to mature a bit, figure out ways to grow up some and still keep the parts of me that are six years old but don't affect my daily existence. Or I could once again throw a tantrum instead of changing.

Actually, I feel that way about a lot of stuff right now, having to do with change. Generally scared and resistent to the idea, mostly. I guess it's not so much the changes that are scary it's the actually getting through them part that I'm not looking forward to. I don't know. *sigh*

Also one of the things I've been thinking of are rites of passage. Not so much the whole ritualistic things kids go through at puberty in some religious traditions, but the trials by fire that people sometimes go through in which they find out what and who they are cause all the bullshit kinda gets burnt out of them in the process. Things like coping with and conquering a disease, surviving something crazy intense, or even just quietly accomplishing something big. The trick, I guess, is that you do it all by yourself - you have to take the chemotherapy and/or deal with your personalized set of demons, you have to figure out the best way to not get yourself killed in situations like being in the military or some other situation where your life is under threat, you have to manage to bike across Europe and remember how to say "where's the bathroom?" in six languages besides English. I was thinking about that, and just kinda noting that I haven't had mine yet. I still don't feel like my own person in a lot of ways - hell, lately I've been feeling like my identity is dissolving rather than solidifying, which is not fun. Kinda feel like I should run away to some cabin in the woods until I get my head back on straight or something. Of course, on the flip side of that I feel like I just can't do that, cause too many misguided souls put their trust in me and depend on me for shit. I only say misguided cause even through other people's trust is something I desperately crave, I always feel like I never deserve it or that I'm going to betray it. Cue self-fulfilling prophesy. *sigh*

Anyway. I gotta stop brainspewing and do a few things before I have to go in for blunt trauma that work meeting. *head in hands, whimper pathetically*

Back

Headache's back with a vengeance. But I survived the meeting. I must be actually feeling like shit, Bosslady said I looked pale - which is funny. Think about it.

The one thing that made the afternoon less asstastic was that I actually accomplished something - I finally got my student loan fixed. Well, not fixed exactly, but fixed enough so they'll stop calling my ass and some of this shit might actually get paid off. Cool thing is if I behave myself and keep enough money in my account to pay it off every month (they can yank it directly, which is immensely helpful) the whole clusterfuck surrounding it gets struck from my credit report. Very nice.

I also saw an Andee hat in Details this afternoon - can't afford it, but I had an immense amount of fun trying it on on my way home from the meeting. It's this big floppy brimmed ridiculous thing with a huge rose on one side... but it's in my two favorite shades of purple evar. Not to mention looks really good with my hair. (clicky if you wanna see). Anyone still looking for a Solstichristmakwanzikkah present for me? ;)

right. Putting this headache to bed now. Oh, if anyone's wondering my cell's off - I haven't charged it since Thursday. :P

Glitz! Glamour! Techincolor! Junk Mail 19!

Satisfaction World - This just sounds way too much like someone's personal version of hell... where they play nothing but the Rolling Stones and Benny Benassi on loop.

Bored Housewives, kjpepper! - Just what is the fascination? And as far as I can tell, bored housewives plop into a couch and watch soap operas after all that housework is done, not go for the dildoes and the webcams. False advertising!

seven days - I knew I shouldn't've watched that video.

Michael why did you say that? - Yes, Michael, we all want to know. Incidentally, what did you say?

hi there man-feel the energy - What exactly qualifies as man-feeling? I'm intrigued, since the originating address is some gibberish@australianmalls.com. Why do I have this image of one of those softly lit Lancome ads except with Tyson being all handsomely gay about men's face cream?

New product! Cialis soft tabs. - Yeah, I can see where this is going. Soon they'll have Cialis Liquigels. Cause you fuckers can't wait a single minute longer than you have to to spring MegaBoner, can you?

Get supper Sized andee! - This better come with fries and a milkshake.

pain is killing your boyfriend . drink V;I,C_O,D:I;N - so how does this help your boyfriend, exactly? does he get it by osmosis or what?

ass Jamie
anal Gail - Why do these sound like sexual Garbage Pail Kids? do I get a stick of gum with that ass at least?

wanna go over to Jesus's house? - Naw, his dad won't let us play Grand Theft Auto anymore.

<shameless plug>Past Junk Mail can either be found on my web site (sporadically updated), or in my Memories (slightly more likely to be updated)</shameless plug>

Survey says...

From denonymous: ( Year in review )

From masteradept: ( Three Things )

More music

I swear, lately my music obsessions have been coming from commercials.Besides the HP commercial with the Kinks, there's a holiday postal service with an absolutely adorable song called "Mail Myself to You." Originally this was a Woody Guthrie song, but this particular version is sung by a folk singer named John McCutcheon (seems like someone you would like, gossamer_gull).

There's also another digital camera commercial with a Rufus Wainwright cover of the Beatles' "Across the Universe." It's funny, I seem to remember an interview with Moby a few years back when Play came out about how difficult it is to get airplay on the radio so the next best way to get exposure is selling song licenses... Selling out, maybe, but artists have gotta eat too. And hey, considering how I've had these songs following me around lately, it works.

Headache gone, but my back is still fucked up and I'm feeling craptastic and I'm worrying about a couple of people who are going through rough shit right now. I should sleep, but I can't... Ah well. I'm no stranger to a long night.