fucking hell

you know, I was kinda hoping I had a positive entry in me tonight, but no.

well ok, I revise that. I had a day that in most respects was fairly good. Productive day at work, if a long one, getting to hang a little bit with all three of the Zakrzewski women, getting to chat and make plans with innostrantsa about her in-progress Northeast Invasion, running into a former Lamonster on the street downtown, some good conversation over unfortunately way too much Dunkin Donuts coffee (my ass and the various muscles that are all shivery and twitchy right now are really not thanking me), and a nice bit of cuddling and catching up with sunny. So... yeah. Normally that would be enough sunshine to not merit the Akuichimonji Icon of Death. Of course, it's not every day that you betray not one, but two (three?) people's trust in less than 24 hours.

Okay, perhaps I'm being a little melodramatic. But still, I did rather colossally fuck up twice, not through anything malicious, but just by being thoughtless. Hell, if I was being malicious I probably wouldn't feel this bad about it (though I'm sure 25% of this is the caffiene + cold fucking with me). I mean, if you actually set out to hurt someone deliberately, and you have the sort of morality that allows for that sort of thing, it's fine. Mission accomplished. Kinda twisted, but bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this. Basically you do something... I won't say by accident, because by accident happens when both you don't mean for something to happen and it's literally beyond your control to prevent it from doing so. Both of these incidents were entirely preventable. So let's say without meaning to. My point being it's a lot easier to be a bitch than a perpetual screw up. Bitches don't care who they hurt, in fact they enjoy it. If you screw up, "without meaning to" you actually have to go through the process of making the offense up, making shit right. At least making the effort, you know?

*stares at screen for a bit*

It's really hard to write about this, and the caffeine isn't helping my coherence any. Still, I've got to at least try, cause if I'm not sitting here bitching into Livejournal I'll be staring wide-eyed and awake somewhere thinking about it over and over. "Hamsterwheeling," I call it, when you just fugue into an idea and it just cycles and you can't stop it. This is one of those days when the noise in my head is so loud that I wonder at the fact that it's not waking zadnyl (who's asleep on the couch in here.) None of it is particularly happy or complimentary. In fact much of it's downright abusive. It's kinda hard to argue with any of it even, cause it's all correct. Yes, I know better. Put me in a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails and teach me really crappy dance moves, cause oops, I did it again... ( And this is where my nasty little voice of reason takes over and rips me a new one; cut for length and pure vitriol )

*deep breath* Well then.

The bitch of it all? All of that and not a single untrue word. Honestly I don't really know what to feel about that. *sigh* I mean yeah, first instinct, run like hell, not deal, find any excuse not to take responsibility for any of my stupid shit. Case in point, last night - fled to morlock's instead of staying home and trying to deal with beatgoddess being upset with me. Validly, in terms of the big stuff (the botched movie night and the driveway). Even the stuff I had issues with I could have dealt with a lot better than shutting down, freaking out to the point of not feeling safe in the house, and then leaving, and staying the hell out until she left for darkling_dreams' today. I didn't want to deal with that. Still don't - honestly I'd rather have a barium acetate + cat poop burrito than deal with the fallout of that one, even though I know balls to bone that much of it's my fault and I need to do so. 'Course, maybe if I'd stayed the fuck home I'd only have one fuckup to deal with instead of two. Double your pleasure, double your fun. *sigh*

I feel like I really should have some sort of warning branded into my forehead or someplace that says something to the effect of "DO NOT TRUST." Or if I'm really going for the melodrama the previous statement implies, I should just put a couple of bells on my knees and hide in a long dark robe. :P Mabe something I can see, something that will always remind me to watch myself, put a little thought into my actions. Gah. Seriously, it's weird. Trust me with shit, and I feel like it's the greatest, most precious thing in the world. Except... Well, like I said to timarok once... it's like handing a Ming vase to a three year old. They may have all the best intentions in the world, they'll try their darndest to be good... but they're inevitably going to break it. Which is why you don't give Ming vases to three year olds. Even if you can make them appreciate how pretty it is, and how mad everyone's going to be if they smash it.

Okay, time to shut up, as my regular self is getting pretty disgusted with me now. *sigh* At least I managed to vent out the caffiene tweakies.

One more thing - I considered disabling comments on this one, but decided against it. Fuck, flame at will. But no virtual hugs or kindness - I really can't handle either of those things right now.

Sorry about the angst novella.

denonymous nailed it.

"Thus far, my strongest reaction to the tsunami death toll has been 'wow, that's terrible,' but when I found out that Jerry Orbach died, I was all 'FUCK, THAT'S TERRIBLE.'

I'm pretty sure that that, right there, is what defines me as A Bad Person."

'Cause really. Why bother rewriting something in your own words when someone else has already said it, and much more hilariously eloquently?

A moment of silence for everyone that's died in the past few days. Donate to the relief effort if you can (there are links on the front page of Google for that); billions of dollars in aid are needed (and the US is already being accused of stinginess. Who's surprised? *crickets*) And as for me... I think much watching of Law & Order and at least one viewing of Beauty and the Beast is in order.

One more spurt of self-flagellation and then off to bed

And the bitch of it all really? I actually had what turned out to be an amazing evening last night.

And then there's the part where I completely ruin it.




Okay. I'm really done now.

Radio silence

Sleep is good, even if I didn't quite get enough of it.

So, I'm a bit more level this morning, which is nice, cause you know there has to be the whole going to work thing happening. But after thinking about it for a bit last night and this morning, I think a little disappearance from society and ergo a little me-time will be good. So. This is me going incommunicado for a bit. Just until 2005. And yes, that does mean midnight: upon ball drop I'll turn my celly and Trillian back on and, knowing me and my particular addictions, probably make a couple of nice chunky posts. ;)

anyone really need to grab me in the next 39 hours call the house or leave a message with sundart.

See y'all next year.