fucking hell
Dec. 30th, 2004 12:33 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperyou know, I was kinda hoping I had a positive entry in me tonight, but no.
well ok, I revise that. I had a day that in most respects was fairly good. Productive day at work, if a long one, getting to hang a little bit with all three of the Zakrzewski women, getting to chat and make plans with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
innostrantsa about her in-progress Northeast Invasion, running into a former Lamonster on the street downtown, some good conversation over unfortunately way too much Dunkin Donuts coffee (my ass and the various muscles that are all shivery and twitchy right now are really not thanking me), and a nice bit of cuddling and catching up with sunny. So... yeah. Normally that would be enough sunshine to not merit the Akuichimonji Icon of Death. Of course, it's not every day that you betray not one, but two (three?) people's trust in less than 24 hours.
Okay, perhaps I'm being a little melodramatic. But still, I did rather colossally fuck up twice, not through anything malicious, but just by being thoughtless. Hell, if I was being malicious I probably wouldn't feel this bad about it (though I'm sure 25% of this is the caffiene + cold fucking with me). I mean, if you actually set out to hurt someone deliberately, and you have the sort of morality that allows for that sort of thing, it's fine. Mission accomplished. Kinda twisted, but bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this. Basically you do something... I won't say by accident, because by accident happens when both you don't mean for something to happen and it's literally beyond your control to prevent it from doing so. Both of these incidents were entirely preventable. So let's say without meaning to. My point being it's a lot easier to be a bitch than a perpetual screw up. Bitches don't care who they hurt, in fact they enjoy it. If you screw up, "without meaning to" you actually have to go through the process of making the offense up, making shit right. At least making the effort, you know?
*stares at screen for a bit*
It's really hard to write about this, and the caffeine isn't helping my coherence any. Still, I've got to at least try, cause if I'm not sitting here bitching into Livejournal I'll be staring wide-eyed and awake somewhere thinking about it over and over. "Hamsterwheeling," I call it, when you just fugue into an idea and it just cycles and you can't stop it. This is one of those days when the noise in my head is so loud that I wonder at the fact that it's not wakingzadnyl (who's asleep on the couch in here.) None of it is particularly happy or complimentary. In fact much of it's downright abusive. It's kinda hard to argue with any of it even, cause it's all correct. Yes, I know better. Put me in a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails and teach me really crappy dance moves, cause oops, I did it again... And gee, who's surprised? Show of hands. *crickets* Yeah, I thought not. Once a screw-up, always a screw up, and you always will be cause you're too much of a pussy to put any effort towards changing. All you're good for is whining about how much you suck to a captive audience of... how big's you're friends list? For what? the three or four people who are going to placate you with Aww, poor kid, we know you're working on it, it's okay? Fuck that shit, you know all you're going to do is take that as validation and not work on your shit and then you know what happens next, kid? You live to fuck over someone else. How's that make you feel?
Oh, like you want to crawl into a hole and die? Jesus you're pathetic. That's how you deal with every goddamn thing, just run as far and as fast as you can cause as long as you keep moving, no one will hold you accountable for failing to do your job and keep up your end of bargains you make. And don't tell me you don't know what they entail before your make them. You know, you enter into them, and you fuck them up anyway. You would think you get off on this shit the way you repeat it. No, don't give me that crap. You knew exactly how important a lot of this shit was, don't excuse yourself that way.
No, actually, you haven't gotten half the punishment you deserve for all of this. You think I'm hard on you. Just wait. You're used to ignoring me, even though I'm right. But one word backing me up from outside your head, and you shit yourself. Just what the fuck are you afraid of, cause it looks an awful lot from in here that you're afraid of people finding out you're a lazy spoiled brat that expects all the answers and the solutions handed to you, and not only that, expects them to be easy. Well sorry, kid, this isn't disneyworld. Nothing here is either easy or fun, and self-improvements a bitch, and frankly I'm not only sick of hearing you whine about it, I'm sick of telling you this over and over to have you blissfully flip me off and then ignore me. You actually have to stop whining sometime and deal with yourself at some point, kid. It takes work. Like in that movie quote you like so much - This is how we do things on Planet Maturia. We have much to teach you. One of which is you need to hear the truth about yourself sometimes.
Oh, and by the way, what the fuck is up with the sulky, everyone hates you cause you're horrible routine? You do realize that that gets old. You're just not goth enough to pull off the "here I am, rotting in my own darkness cause I'm evil and deserve the misery of the night" routine. Fuck that. If you're that pissed and upset about this, face your music like a grown up, and fucking CHANGE. Go do something productive if you're that upset for fuck's sake. All the energy you spend letting me go on and on while you get to play the victim you could be finishing that list of shit you started making. Or even better starting to do some of the items on that list.
You know another reason why it's fucking stupid? 'Cause you know the reason why people "yell" at you (and I'm only putting it in quotes cause you get this pissy whether you getting told what a selfish cow you're being happens in a low volume, reasonable tone of voice or at a banshee like scream level) is cause they're right. Yeah, they're disappointed. But at least they care enough to tell you where you fucked up. If they actually hated you, they wouldn't bother telling you what the fuck's up. Just cause you seem to lack the ability (read: spine) to tell others when they've upset you, fucked with you, or what have you doesn't mean that everyone around you has to be an ostrich to accomodate your shortcoming. They're doing right by themselves AND by you by pointing out where you've been wrong, and you're serving no one by faulting them for it so you can just shove that somewhere painful and light it.
Just fucking deal with your shit and stop treating every criticism like a personal attack. You fucked up. There's no getting around that. You have to fix it. There's no getting around that either. And if that means you have to get spoken to again by multiple people, so be it. You deserve it, you fucking take it, and hell, smile and say thank you, even. No one ever died from a well-deserved lecture, and boy, you deserve the ones coming at you. Hell, you seem to have a little trouble grasping the essential underlying concept of why and how you fucked up, cause YOU KEEP DOING IT, so maybe you need to be told over and over until you decide to get it and not let it float merrily from one ear to the other and out of that pretty little head of yours - maybe then you'll finally stop. Either that or you need to get that tattoo you keep blathering about. Something to remind you, anyway, cause, you're not so hot on remembering on your own. It's not that hard. See? Repeat after me. Other people's limits, feelings, schedules, rules, definitions and requirements of you are NOT yours to fuck with at will. And maybe you should stop bitching and moaning about it now, cause really this whole long entry is some stupid misguided attempt to circumvent what you have coming to you since you know all three of the people you've managed to fuck over are reading this. And thank you ever so much for using me for your own self-flagellent dirty work. That's it, I'm done. And I'm disgusted with you.
*deep breath* Well then.
The bitch of it all? All of that and not a single untrue word. Honestly I don't really know what to feel about that. *sigh* I mean yeah, first instinct, run like hell, not deal, find any excuse not to take responsibility for any of my stupid shit. Case in point, last night - fled tomorlock's instead of staying home and trying to deal with beatgoddess being upset with me. Validly, in terms of the big stuff (the botched movie night and the driveway). Even the stuff I had issues with I could have dealt with a lot better than shutting down, freaking out to the point of not feeling safe in the house, and then leaving, and staying the hell out until she left for darkling_dreams' today. I didn't want to deal with that. Still don't - honestly I'd rather have a barium acetate + cat poop burrito than deal with the fallout of that one, even though I know balls to bone that much of it's my fault and I need to do so. 'Course, maybe if I'd stayed the fuck home I'd only have one fuckup to deal with instead of two. Double your pleasure, double your fun. *sigh*
I feel like I really should have some sort of warning branded into my forehead or someplace that says something to the effect of "DO NOT TRUST." Or if I'm really going for the melodrama the previous statement implies, I should just put a couple of bells on my knees and hide in a long dark robe. :P Mabe something I can see, something that will always remind me to watch myself, put a little thought into my actions. Gah. Seriously, it's weird. Trust me with shit, and I feel like it's the greatest, most precious thing in the world. Except... Well, like I said totimarok once... it's like handing a Ming vase to a three year old. They may have all the best intentions in the world, they'll try their darndest to be good... but they're inevitably going to break it. Which is why you don't give Ming vases to three year olds. Even if you can make them appreciate how pretty it is, and how mad everyone's going to be if they smash it.
Okay, time to shut up, as my regular self is getting pretty disgusted with me now. *sigh* At least I managed to vent out the caffiene tweakies.
One more thing - I considered disabling comments on this one, but decided against it. Fuck, flame at will. But no virtual hugs or kindness - I really can't handle either of those things right now.
Sorry about the angst novella.
well ok, I revise that. I had a day that in most respects was fairly good. Productive day at work, if a long one, getting to hang a little bit with all three of the Zakrzewski women, getting to chat and make plans with
innostrantsa about her in-progress Northeast Invasion, running into a former Lamonster on the street downtown, some good conversation over unfortunately way too much Dunkin Donuts coffee (my ass and the various muscles that are all shivery and twitchy right now are really not thanking me), and a nice bit of cuddling and catching up with sunny. So... yeah. Normally that would be enough sunshine to not merit the Akuichimonji Icon of Death. Of course, it's not every day that you betray not one, but two (three?) people's trust in less than 24 hours.Okay, perhaps I'm being a little melodramatic. But still, I did rather colossally fuck up twice, not through anything malicious, but just by being thoughtless. Hell, if I was being malicious I probably wouldn't feel this bad about it (though I'm sure 25% of this is the caffiene + cold fucking with me). I mean, if you actually set out to hurt someone deliberately, and you have the sort of morality that allows for that sort of thing, it's fine. Mission accomplished. Kinda twisted, but bear with me, I'm going somewhere with this. Basically you do something... I won't say by accident, because by accident happens when both you don't mean for something to happen and it's literally beyond your control to prevent it from doing so. Both of these incidents were entirely preventable. So let's say without meaning to. My point being it's a lot easier to be a bitch than a perpetual screw up. Bitches don't care who they hurt, in fact they enjoy it. If you screw up, "without meaning to" you actually have to go through the process of making the offense up, making shit right. At least making the effort, you know?
*stares at screen for a bit*
It's really hard to write about this, and the caffeine isn't helping my coherence any. Still, I've got to at least try, cause if I'm not sitting here bitching into Livejournal I'll be staring wide-eyed and awake somewhere thinking about it over and over. "Hamsterwheeling," I call it, when you just fugue into an idea and it just cycles and you can't stop it. This is one of those days when the noise in my head is so loud that I wonder at the fact that it's not waking
zadnyl (who's asleep on the couch in here.) None of it is particularly happy or complimentary. In fact much of it's downright abusive. It's kinda hard to argue with any of it even, cause it's all correct. Yes, I know better. Put me in a schoolgirl outfit and pigtails and teach me really crappy dance moves, cause oops, I did it again... And gee, who's surprised? Show of hands. *crickets* Yeah, I thought not. Once a screw-up, always a screw up, and you always will be cause you're too much of a pussy to put any effort towards changing. All you're good for is whining about how much you suck to a captive audience of... how big's you're friends list? For what? the three or four people who are going to placate you with Aww, poor kid, we know you're working on it, it's okay? Fuck that shit, you know all you're going to do is take that as validation and not work on your shit and then you know what happens next, kid? You live to fuck over someone else. How's that make you feel?Oh, like you want to crawl into a hole and die? Jesus you're pathetic. That's how you deal with every goddamn thing, just run as far and as fast as you can cause as long as you keep moving, no one will hold you accountable for failing to do your job and keep up your end of bargains you make. And don't tell me you don't know what they entail before your make them. You know, you enter into them, and you fuck them up anyway. You would think you get off on this shit the way you repeat it. No, don't give me that crap. You knew exactly how important a lot of this shit was, don't excuse yourself that way.
No, actually, you haven't gotten half the punishment you deserve for all of this. You think I'm hard on you. Just wait. You're used to ignoring me, even though I'm right. But one word backing me up from outside your head, and you shit yourself. Just what the fuck are you afraid of, cause it looks an awful lot from in here that you're afraid of people finding out you're a lazy spoiled brat that expects all the answers and the solutions handed to you, and not only that, expects them to be easy. Well sorry, kid, this isn't disneyworld. Nothing here is either easy or fun, and self-improvements a bitch, and frankly I'm not only sick of hearing you whine about it, I'm sick of telling you this over and over to have you blissfully flip me off and then ignore me. You actually have to stop whining sometime and deal with yourself at some point, kid. It takes work. Like in that movie quote you like so much - This is how we do things on Planet Maturia. We have much to teach you. One of which is you need to hear the truth about yourself sometimes.
Oh, and by the way, what the fuck is up with the sulky, everyone hates you cause you're horrible routine? You do realize that that gets old. You're just not goth enough to pull off the "here I am, rotting in my own darkness cause I'm evil and deserve the misery of the night" routine. Fuck that. If you're that pissed and upset about this, face your music like a grown up, and fucking CHANGE. Go do something productive if you're that upset for fuck's sake. All the energy you spend letting me go on and on while you get to play the victim you could be finishing that list of shit you started making. Or even better starting to do some of the items on that list.
You know another reason why it's fucking stupid? 'Cause you know the reason why people "yell" at you (and I'm only putting it in quotes cause you get this pissy whether you getting told what a selfish cow you're being happens in a low volume, reasonable tone of voice or at a banshee like scream level) is cause they're right. Yeah, they're disappointed. But at least they care enough to tell you where you fucked up. If they actually hated you, they wouldn't bother telling you what the fuck's up. Just cause you seem to lack the ability (read: spine) to tell others when they've upset you, fucked with you, or what have you doesn't mean that everyone around you has to be an ostrich to accomodate your shortcoming. They're doing right by themselves AND by you by pointing out where you've been wrong, and you're serving no one by faulting them for it so you can just shove that somewhere painful and light it.
Just fucking deal with your shit and stop treating every criticism like a personal attack. You fucked up. There's no getting around that. You have to fix it. There's no getting around that either. And if that means you have to get spoken to again by multiple people, so be it. You deserve it, you fucking take it, and hell, smile and say thank you, even. No one ever died from a well-deserved lecture, and boy, you deserve the ones coming at you. Hell, you seem to have a little trouble grasping the essential underlying concept of why and how you fucked up, cause YOU KEEP DOING IT, so maybe you need to be told over and over until you decide to get it and not let it float merrily from one ear to the other and out of that pretty little head of yours - maybe then you'll finally stop. Either that or you need to get that tattoo you keep blathering about. Something to remind you, anyway, cause, you're not so hot on remembering on your own. It's not that hard. See? Repeat after me. Other people's limits, feelings, schedules, rules, definitions and requirements of you are NOT yours to fuck with at will. And maybe you should stop bitching and moaning about it now, cause really this whole long entry is some stupid misguided attempt to circumvent what you have coming to you since you know all three of the people you've managed to fuck over are reading this. And thank you ever so much for using me for your own self-flagellent dirty work. That's it, I'm done. And I'm disgusted with you.
*deep breath* Well then.
The bitch of it all? All of that and not a single untrue word. Honestly I don't really know what to feel about that. *sigh* I mean yeah, first instinct, run like hell, not deal, find any excuse not to take responsibility for any of my stupid shit. Case in point, last night - fled to
morlock's instead of staying home and trying to deal with beatgoddess being upset with me. Validly, in terms of the big stuff (the botched movie night and the driveway). Even the stuff I had issues with I could have dealt with a lot better than shutting down, freaking out to the point of not feeling safe in the house, and then leaving, and staying the hell out until she left for darkling_dreams' today. I didn't want to deal with that. Still don't - honestly I'd rather have a barium acetate + cat poop burrito than deal with the fallout of that one, even though I know balls to bone that much of it's my fault and I need to do so. 'Course, maybe if I'd stayed the fuck home I'd only have one fuckup to deal with instead of two. Double your pleasure, double your fun. *sigh*I feel like I really should have some sort of warning branded into my forehead or someplace that says something to the effect of "DO NOT TRUST." Or if I'm really going for the melodrama the previous statement implies, I should just put a couple of bells on my knees and hide in a long dark robe. :P Mabe something I can see, something that will always remind me to watch myself, put a little thought into my actions. Gah. Seriously, it's weird. Trust me with shit, and I feel like it's the greatest, most precious thing in the world. Except... Well, like I said to
timarok once... it's like handing a Ming vase to a three year old. They may have all the best intentions in the world, they'll try their darndest to be good... but they're inevitably going to break it. Which is why you don't give Ming vases to three year olds. Even if you can make them appreciate how pretty it is, and how mad everyone's going to be if they smash it.Okay, time to shut up, as my regular self is getting pretty disgusted with me now. *sigh* At least I managed to vent out the caffiene tweakies.
One more thing - I considered disabling comments on this one, but decided against it. Fuck, flame at will. But no virtual hugs or kindness - I really can't handle either of those things right now.
Sorry about the angst novella.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 06:04 am (UTC)That's a great name for it. I do a lot of it, too.
And goddamn, but your little voice sounds a fuck of a lot like my little voice...that is, when my little voice isn't just tapes of my great-grandmother making me feel like crap again.
So no hugs here. Just a fuck of a lot of empathy.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 07:07 am (UTC)In my experience, trying to actively change yourself is a losing proposition. You may follow a new course for a number of days, hours, or minutes, but then get distracted or realize just how hard/stupid/untenable the change really is, and revert to defaults. I believe it is far more productive to focus on what you are, and trying to figure out how to work with that so as to minimize potential damage and maximize effectiveness.
I know that in my own case, I make people aware up-front of my Russian punctuality, tendency to get distracted by the next shiny thing I see, and propensity to misunderestimate anything having to do with time by an order of magnitude or two. In most cases, as long as they have been told up-front, people are perfectly fine with my flakiness, and shit gets done when it gets done, but it gets done and done well.
No one is perfect, everyone fucks up at times, and there's nothing you can do to change that. What you can do is prepare for the possibility of fucking up to put some contingencies in place, and work on better damage control methods. When a fuckup affects someone else, you have to be able to force yourself to face them, apologize, and work with them to figure out how to make things work again (because chances are, that is what is primarily on their mind). Some of my best ideas at work have occurred to me while in the process of defusing a (progressively less) furious user. I know it's scary as all hell, but it sure beats the alternative, and it's the only good first step on the path of atonement.
no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 04:22 pm (UTC)Saying "I need to change this about myself" only makes change seem that much bigger a deal.
This is where the annoying 6-year-old asking "Why?" constantly actually comes in handy. Why did you do whatever you did? Answer it. Then ask "Why?" Be really honest, go with the first response unless it's a total backlash, and even then keep that backlash in mind because it's protecting you from something. Keeping whying it down until you've gone as far as you can go. Likely as not you'll discover a base reason for doing the thing you do. Then you're equipped to do something about it if it does not match your goals.
The problem is not the fucking up part. The problem is hoping history won't repeat itself part. Most people do it most of the time - you're far from alone. But if you really want to do something about it, find out why you do it - the real deep-down reason, when "Why?" doesn't have an answer. Usually fixing the shooting yourself in the foot syndrome comes easily at that point.
*hugs*
no subject
Date: 2004-12-30 06:29 pm (UTC)heres a flame for ya...
Date: 2004-12-31 12:33 am (UTC)you. can. be. trusted. goddammit. if you couldn't be, then i wouldn't, sunny wouldn't, syd wouldn't, and beatgoddess wouldn't - cause guess what? we're all EXCELLENT judges of character. me especially. you have no way of telling anyone if you can be trusted - thats their decision to make, and you have no way of taking that away from them. if you can make mistakes, let other people make them too - and let them let you in to their lives, or push you out. thats their choice.
second and lastly - you say you want to change... well like i told you over a month ago - do it. its harder when you hamsterwheel it to oblivian...look at what you don't like, and don't do it anymore. and the only reason...they ONLY reason i say that to you over and over is cause i know with absolute certainty that you can do it. with flair
no have fun before new years, and you better call me at 1201. so there, nyah.
Re: heres a flame for ya...
Date: 2004-12-31 12:25 pm (UTC)Damn, you sound like me...
Date: 2005-01-02 07:21 pm (UTC)So, no virtual hugs or kindness, eh? How about the classic 20-ton cartoon anvil (cleverly subtitled in swedish, swahili, and ancient Incan as REAL LIFE) dropped on your head?