kjpepper | Jun. 17th, 2005

Schfifty-five, temp outside is schfifty-five. :)

It is, actually, and another fairly chilly day coming up tomorrow, yay. I'm such a penguin.

Work was longer than expected and aggravating, but did get some things done. Came home to sunny cooking dinner and girlie huggin's. Spent the rest of the evening talking and hanging out and listening to the sounds of the rain and the Taste of Amherst drifiting into the window. Bah. I don't care what my budget is like, I'm going to nip over there at some point this weekend. Specially since there's no Taste of Northampton this year. *shakes fist*

Apparently I'm not the only one dealing with a depression/rage cycle the past few days. WTF. But aside from that, I've been thinking about anger, how I never allow myself to get really angry about anything. And letting shit slide all the time isn't really healthy, so maybe all the random unexplained pissed offness is just me slowly releasing years worth of pent up upset - of course doing it this way means that the things that set me off don't really warrant the reaction I'm having. Or do they? I don't know anymore, my emotions are so out of whack right now. Suddenly I can totally see how the nice quiet guy next door that everyone in the neighborhood loves suddenly ends up on the six o'clock news after killing fourteen people with a rifle. People are seriously messed up creatures sometimes. And no, I'm not really planning any mass murders, no worries. I couldn't fire a rifle if you handed one to me anyway, though don't laugh, at some point I'd like to learn. Hey, all knowledge is worth having... I'll wait until I'm less triggery though, I think. No pun intended.

Seriously, even though there is something overarching going on more or less, this week feels like an extremely low tide in my psyche. Things are washing up to the surface that I haven't seen in years that apparently I still need to deal with, old hurts and wounds (and I mean ancient shit) that I guess never really healed correctly, past slights that have long expired their statute of limitations and yet still hurt. It's actually calling into question my fairly firm belief in the aforemention statute... I don't bring up ancient history. Mostly this is some sort of triggery reaction to suddenly having laundry lists of my transgressions appear when people are upset with me, which is all well and good if the issues are relevant and need to be addressed, but I don't believe in having something I did brought up multiple times if, say, I've already apologized/made up for it and the atonement was accepted at the time. Mom used to pull that shit, and a few others have done so as well. So it's weird... *sigh* I mean, these things are probably washing up because I never dealt correctly with them in the first place. Which is totally my issue at this point and I'm just going to have to find some way of coming to terms with them without killing something/one.

I wonder if there's such a thing as anger management in the other direction?

Back to bed now.