The everpresent whys

[kjpepper]

"Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far away, far away from here."
-- Jenny, Forrest Gump

You know it's all well and good when the little voices in your head tell you you're a horrible person. People can very easily say, oh, ignore the little voices, they're just giving you bullshit.

Of course when you do something incredibly hurtful and stupid, and the person you hurt (either purposefully or unintentionally) confirms what the little voice have been saying all along almost verbatim, it's a little harder to ignore.

I wish this didn't hurt. It does. I'm sorry, but I know saying that means next to nothing. All I can say is I know I fucked up, and will try to make amends, once I figure out how.

Ah well, my own self opinion can't get any lower. There are 23 + emails from my mother I've managed to ignore since last month. I think I'm going to go read them now.

Update: 23 emails of nothing but love and support and concern. Christ, I'm a bitch.

Fuck it all. I can't fucking deal. I'm going back to bed and then I'm going away for a while where no one has to be around me. Everything I touch crumbles, everyone I love even a little bit gets hurt. I'm done.

Update again: and everything I try to make it better just makes it worse. fuck.

Comments

[peacockdress.livejournal.com]

I was thinking similar things last night and then we watched the season 1 episode of Angel where there's the guy buried in the wall and his mother haunting the apartment, and Cordelia has to deal with it. (I hate to philosophise on a TV series, but there you go...)

Anyway, I got a big DING DING moment when Angel was doing the incantation and trying to get Cordy to get up and take part, and she was just lying there helpless for no apparent reason - until you saw the ghost whispering "You're worthless" comments in her ear.

Don't listen.