wall of words

[kjpepper]

oh boy, yet another craptastic weather morning. Rain today, rain tomorrow, rain right on up through Monday, when we're apparently getting rain/snow showers. *sigh*

I'm kinda sad about www.weather.com changing their personalized weather pages to be all login-and-customize-your-page-with-all-these-superfluous-features, rather than a straightforward set-a-cookie-with-your-zip-code type of thing that they had up until last week. Not only was that useful and quick, I really miss the fact that I would go to the main page each morning and across the top banner it would say "Good morning, Assmaster! Check the weather for [my zip code]" And I'm at the point where I can really use any and all pick-me-ups. Even the assy little ones.

You can tell I'm out of it when I get a full nights sleep. *wry smile* sundart sort of dragged me to bed at around ten last night, after an evening of concernedly hovering around me with offerings of tea and hugs. My eyes sort of feel like someone dragged a nasty bit of shag carpet over them, which I'm vaguely irritated by - after all it isn't allergy season yet. Relieved that that's out of the way, though, I'd been waiting for it all day yesterday with that weird sort of anticipatory feeling that's kinda like waiting for a sneeze - you know it's coming and you want to get it over with but goddamn does it take its time.

Understandably I'm feeling utterly antisocial.

I'm also feeling rather disillusioned by the concept of language. How many words have I spilled forth into my livejournal so far? how many words in the journals that came before this? How many words in emails to friends, in IMs? Not to mention the tons of words that came from my lips since I figured out the whole talking thing? And then, taking all of that, how much of that was useless prattle? Parroting back facts? Lies? True communication? Do we even truly communicate with words? Or, to quote some old Gloria Estefan song, do the words just get in the way?

I've been thinking back at all the ways I've expressed myself and not expressed myself in the past, been rather appalled at the carefully constructed nature of language in general. I often want to say something and yet am hindered by wanting to say it in just the perfect way. I am often caught up in a need to use tricks of language, wit, punning, alliteration, proper spelling and grammar (when I'm paying attention anyway)... and I find that it just kinda distracts from what I'm actually saying, though some people do get all up in arms about bad grammar and/or spelling without looking at what someone's trying to communicate.

Of course it doesn't help that I kinda start out with the idea that the spoken and written word is often not to be trusted inherently, that I need to "read between the lines" to see what's actually being said, to catch the deeper meaning, the lie, the actual communication through the construct of words. You get so caught up in what another person says that you forget to look at how another person is, how much more you can tell about how a person's feeling by looking into their face, especially their eyes, and really seeing what's there. We measure love by words and socially acceptable actions, and other shit that doesn't matter, not by the gentleness of a kiss, or the feeling of not wanting to let go in the middle of a hug, or by the caring concern expressed by another. We get caught up in the verbal promises, what's been said here and there, the good stuff, the bad stuff, dear me, the bad stuff often more than the good.

I guess words are like television - capable of transmitting important information, but also capable of delivering too much and too little information at the same time until it just fills your head with distracting garbage that keep you from knowing anything true or useful. *sigh* I don't know. Every so often I find myself trapped by words. It doesn't help that I also think in them so that the binding is twofold in that way. But... there are certain situations where the words I've said in the past rise up to haunt me, and in some cases the adage of my mother does... "if you tell one lie you have to tell two" etcetera. When really it's always easier to tell the truth the first time. *sigh* I guess my point is words don't have a very good track record in bringing people on an individual level together. They're more likely to drive walls in between. I hate that... unfortunately, sometimes words are all I have to work with, inadequate tools though they are.

I feel like a wrung out dishcloth right now, and this topic's giving me a bigger headache than the low grade throbbing I already had. Going to go get some tea now, wrestle with my conscience, and try real hard to ignore the feeling of someone shoving my heart through that thingummie that slices potatoes into French fries. Bah, and it's raining.

I warn you, the people who even think of pulling april fools crap on me today will sorely regret existing.

Comments

words

[sundart.livejournal.com]

Then again, sometimes out of the chaff and dross of someone's words, moments of truth and beauty shine forth.

I totally understand where you're coming from - not only do I also suffer from "I often want to say something and yet am hindered by wanting to say it in just the perfect way." but more and more I see how actions speak louder than words, and louder than beliefs, no matter how deep-seated.

At the same time, I am always and forever smitten with wordcraft, whether my own writing or that of others. Sometimes I'm able to condense a situation or a feeling into just the right metaphor that will carry it across to someone else, and I feel like that's a kind of magic.

Thank you for sharing your words, no matter how difficult it is sometimes.