Performance art

[kjpepper]

Ugh. I hate giving presentations. Especially the kind that are supposed to be 40 minutes and end up being 27. I mean granted if I had taken the full amount of time, class would have run over... but my first instinct is to panic and get it done with quick so I don't have to be up in front of the firing squad longer than I have to.

Oy.

At least it's over. Now I have to get my shit more or less together and sit bravely through my other compsci lecture and then I can escape towards home, English papers, and actually getting the crap done that I need to get done so I can actually go to class without a guilty conscience.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatred...

Anyway...

Does anyone else have that problem with livejournal where you are far too conscious of having an audience reading your work and scrutinizing your every typo? I've noticed I've been having that problem lately - while it has helped me to put my uglier aspects out there with a lesser degree of fear, I'm still hyperaware of the audience out there, and so what I've started noticing is that I'm starting to self- censor quite a bit, or worse... not exactly fabricate, but playing events to the audience. I dunno, I always feel like my entries have to be... interesting? literate? paragons of wordcraft despite the typos? I don't know. It's really only squashing the parts of myself that need to be expressed but aren't quite ready for primetime as it were... and it's been those parts that have been driving me up the wall lately, and was really not the overarching point of me starting a livejournal in the first place. It was supposed to get easier to let people in, not harder... And I hate using the private filter. It seems somehow just wrong to use it on a mostly public journal. And I've got enough semi-private filters on this account to barricade an eight lane interstate.

I started another account this morning just for the antisocial bitching - violetsilence (not that there's any point in going there, it's going to stay locked to myself until I find my actual voice again and feel like sharing) and suddenly I'm a lot more level about shit, now that the immature, nasty bits of me have their own outlet of rampage, whining and bitching. Filtering out the noise, writing down the bones as it were. At least I can repeat myself with inpunity there without envisioning my entire friends list rolling their eyes at me. ;) And perhaps it will help me not to crucify people in public... or maybe not being in college will help with that more. Anyhoo. Instead of the constant maelstrom I've still got fairly turbulent seas, but I'm much closer to calm blue ocean than I have been for a while.

I don't think it's going to have much effect on how often I post here, though. *grin* I'm too much of a feedback whore to stop.

Tonight, work work work until Daddy takes the T-bird away. And then, I think out to birthday dinner with darkling_dreams. not sure if there will be queerboys tonight, or what. Hope so.

hungry. off to explore the contents of the snack machine.

Comments

[kjpepper.livejournal.com]

hon, the typos comment was mostly sarcastic, not the main point of the post! I just meant that I was feeling pressure to post a complete work, a polished expression of thought and feeling rather than the raw core dumping that I often feel I need to do.

anyway, problem solved. And I do tend to proofread before posting, but generally only spell check the bigger entries. Especially since I have this appalling habit of misspelling "because."

silly logician. *shakes head*

[harinezumi.livejournal.com]

I wasn't bitching at you, since your stuff is wonderfully proofread, I was merely going on at length in a kvetchy old man manner. ^^

[kjpepper.livejournal.com]

well, thank you for recognizing my h3ll4m4dw1ck3d pr00fr33d1n9 sk1llz.

;)