Size matters

[kjpepper]

So I seem to have dropped about fifteen pounds. Hos 1 and 2 have been telling me and telling me that my ass has been getting smaller, but I vehemently denied this information. I was presented with some incontrovertible evidence yesterday and this morning - one. my army issue cargo pants which were only a mite too big when I got them about nine months ago are now barely hanging on to my hips with the pockets empty, and completely falling off with the pockets full. What the fuck? two, I noticed this morning that the stretch marks around my arms have returned with a vengeance.

I am worried about this. I am worried because the loss is unexpected. It could be because of all the biking I've been doing, but it could also be that I've caught sundart's Wasting Butt Disease. It could also be that I just haven't been eating as much, but that's becuase everything I eat makes me kinda queasy lately. It could be all three. I don't really know. I'm worried because part of me really wants to lose weight, and I'm also worried because another part of me really doesn't. I'm worried because there is all this cultural bullshit surrounding the fact that thin=pretty, and by unexpectedly dropping some weight, I feel like I'm selling out all the fat girls I know and love, and I also worry that if I lose any more, continuing to say "Hooray for the fat girls!" is going to sound a lot like Michael Jackson saying "I'm proud to be a black man." I'm worried about the fact that parts of me haven't let go of the bullshit memetic programming, and despite all my efforts to counteract the effects of cultural norms on myself and accepting the word "fat" as a good thing, they rise up to kill me whenever there's a noticable fluctuation in either direction. I'm worried because if I do continue to dwindle in size, I'll have all these stretch marks and loose skin flaps to contend with, and that certainly isn't considered attractive either. And I'm truly annoyed about the fact that I feel the need to devote brainspace to the universal significance of a possible 15 pound loss.

And now I have to go to work. *sigh*

Comments

[nireena.livejournal.com]

i would say it's probably the exercise. by the sounds of your journal recently, it's quite a workout to go up that hill on a bike, especially with groceries. also, most people eat less in summer anyway and you've been eating less because it makes you queasy. not surprising that you've lost some weight. as long as it's not too rapid (i forget what the numbers are for what percentage per week you can safely lose), then it's not really a big problem health-wise.

as for the guilt- you're not betraying your values. weight fluctuates over time. you're not losing weight from any societal pressure, it's just happening naturally. one of your values that i've always admired you for is acceptance of the human body in whatever its natural shape and size is. accept yourself at whatever size you happen to be at the moment, hun. you're still you. *hug*