Blessed sleep

[kjpepper]

Yesterday I spent hanging with C, catching up with Lost, ordering stuff for the weddingthing, and freaking the fuck out. I'm sure a good part of it was me barely sleeping the night before and sleeping badly since friday coming to a head, but I had about a half hour where I could only stay on the couch in C's living room curled up into a ball with my eyes closed because everything - everything - was stressing me out and I couldnt do anything but stay on that couch. it was messed up. It was like I felt that no matter what I got up to do, there were other people's expectations to fulfill (even the idea of playing WoW freaked me out, that's how messed up it was) so the safest option was to stay there. C came and hugged me for a while and I talked to her about the lingering bullshit from Dad that I was carrying around, and being pissed off about it... that even though I'm happy for the most part, have a family I love and work that I believe in, he still thinks I need to grow up and get it together. And he's always going to think like that. Nothing I've ever done was ever good enough for him, I can hardly expect that to change now.

So you know what? fuck him and the horse he rode in on. I don't have to keep anyone who makes me feel unsafe, self-destructive, and worthless in my life. Even if he is my father. Maybe especially because. Fuck that.

Anyway, somehow around ten thirty I wound up passing out on the couch... and woke up there at 7:30. you'd think I'd be stiff or something from sleeping on a loveseat all night, but I'm not... instead I'm rather appreciative of the first good night's sleep I've had in days.

and now, off to the crazy bin that pays me. :)

Comments

[htl-1126.livejournal.com]

I can completely and utterly understand where you are coming from with your father. And how difficult it is to say fuck it, this isn't worth it, you are just toxic to me. You know all the crap I have had to deal with with my mother, all I have ever wanted was for her to love me, unconditionally, like I have loved her. She doesn't have to like my life, or the choices I make, but that should not hinder her ability to love me. We have gone through bouts of being civil and almost friendly to each other before the facade falls down and the bitterness comes out. Unless I live my life by her standards and ideals and twisted views it will never be good and she will criticize everything I do. Regardless of the fact that I am significantly more successful than she ever was, have more friends than she ever will, and am happy. She takes credit for being responsible for my success, berates and degrades my friends, and tries to make me miserable so that the happiness disappears. There are people in life that should have never become parents, the only high point is that they sometimes end up producing amazing children (how the hell that happens I don't know) and you are one of those amazing children. You are a great person, you have people around you that love you, unconditionally, and with out judging you, you are doing a wonderful job at work and they would be lost without you, you are intelligent, talented, and caring. And on top of all that you still find time to have fun and truly enjoy life. Maybe your father is just jealous that he never found a way to be able to do that and he wants you to be miserable like him. If you can't have fun with life then what is the point???? You are having a wedding that is full of what you and sunny are. NO ONE can make a judgement on what you want to do for YOUR wedding, it is a celebration of the two of you and your amazing love, the only people that know the best way to express that is the two of you. And I personally am looking forward to it immensely. And I consider myself an adult. I am super responsible, take care of all my bills and issues, am quite professional (when I need to be), and can still have fun and be a kid because growing up doesn't mean you have to become some uptight prude that is just miserable with everything. And if anything I resent the fact that those people who are like that feel the need to make people who are happy and enjoying themselves pressured to conform to their miserable way of life. Wow, rambled way too long, sorry. ((Hugs)) I think you are awesome, responsible and quite an adult since you can stand up for what you are and not let others destroy that for you.

[sundart.livejournal.com]

Rock on. Growing up is: facing up to your responsibilities, taking care of business, and getting shit done.

Growing up is also: having apple crisp for lunch and dressing like a pirate.

Anyone who doesn't agree can go wear a suit somewhere far away.