(no subject)
Oct. 27th, 2006 11:42 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kjpepperthe good news:
I seem to be over my concentration funk at work that I've been stuck in all summer. I found the key - turn iTunes on as soon as I sit down and keep it running. Apparently I really can't work in "silence." I only say that in quotes because it's never really silent around here. Probably the fact that I don't want to really think about the wedding helps as well. That and figuring out command line PHP this morning. Granted my first program was setting up something that sends an email to my Dad's cell every 15 minutes bugging him about my wallet, but still... all knowledge worth having right? Not like it's totally useless - I do need it for an upcoming programming project sliding down the pipe at me.
the bad news:
I'm in a different sort of funk emotionally. Wedding stress is getting to me, and I'm tapping into some old pools of anxiety, anger and sadness that I haven't dipped into in a little while but are always there. Probably due to the wedding and work and family stress cracking them open. There's still one major aspect of the wedding that we can't do and I'm trying to get over that, but it's proving really REALLY difficult, and just breaks open all the rage from last month every time I think about it. At the same time I'm sort of taking some stock of my life... it's not that I'm discontented where I ended up, and it's true that the good far outweighs the bad. But every so often the good slides away and I'm left trying to cope with just the things that drive me batshit about it. Which isn't all bad in itself, really because in doing so I learn something new and different and fascinating. This time around I'm learning that I'm tired of taking the Taoist approach to my life and my own destiny, letting it take me where it may and not really actively guiding its direction other than deciding every once and again to take that approach. Cause there have been a time or two that I've actively decided to do that. But it's not working anymore... I feel like a stick on a river that got wedged between a couple of rocks by the current and is now stuck... however the river's still pushing at me. I have to figure out how to turn around and flow between the rocks before the current breaks me in half. And then after that... maybe it's time to get out of the water and choose a different direction. Cause the one I'm going in is no longer taking me anywhere good, and I can feel the water eroding me as I go along.
I need a new computer. And my wallet. And $3K.
I seem to be over my concentration funk at work that I've been stuck in all summer. I found the key - turn iTunes on as soon as I sit down and keep it running. Apparently I really can't work in "silence." I only say that in quotes because it's never really silent around here. Probably the fact that I don't want to really think about the wedding helps as well. That and figuring out command line PHP this morning. Granted my first program was setting up something that sends an email to my Dad's cell every 15 minutes bugging him about my wallet, but still... all knowledge worth having right? Not like it's totally useless - I do need it for an upcoming programming project sliding down the pipe at me.
the bad news:
I'm in a different sort of funk emotionally. Wedding stress is getting to me, and I'm tapping into some old pools of anxiety, anger and sadness that I haven't dipped into in a little while but are always there. Probably due to the wedding and work and family stress cracking them open. There's still one major aspect of the wedding that we can't do and I'm trying to get over that, but it's proving really REALLY difficult, and just breaks open all the rage from last month every time I think about it. At the same time I'm sort of taking some stock of my life... it's not that I'm discontented where I ended up, and it's true that the good far outweighs the bad. But every so often the good slides away and I'm left trying to cope with just the things that drive me batshit about it. Which isn't all bad in itself, really because in doing so I learn something new and different and fascinating. This time around I'm learning that I'm tired of taking the Taoist approach to my life and my own destiny, letting it take me where it may and not really actively guiding its direction other than deciding every once and again to take that approach. Cause there have been a time or two that I've actively decided to do that. But it's not working anymore... I feel like a stick on a river that got wedged between a couple of rocks by the current and is now stuck... however the river's still pushing at me. I have to figure out how to turn around and flow between the rocks before the current breaks me in half. And then after that... maybe it's time to get out of the water and choose a different direction. Cause the one I'm going in is no longer taking me anywhere good, and I can feel the water eroding me as I go along.
I need a new computer. And my wallet. And $3K.
