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kjpepperUgh. Ever have one of those nights where you want to sleep but your brain simply will not shut off? Yeah, that was me last night - I didn't get to actual sleep until 6am last night, and then slept until 1:30 this afternoon. Le sigh.
Really my weekend's been a wash, much like the rest of the previous week. I spent much of it vegging out and sleeping, which I suppose isn't bad in the finally getting some much needed rest department, but not so good in the getting things done one. Definitely too much in the overthinking things. I've concluded that one of the Universe's bitchier habits is throwing curveballs to my gut, giving me a month or so to recover, and then once I finally feel stable enough to handle life again, pitching another one. It's sort of like that saying, modified here for Christian bias: "The powers that be wouldn't send me anything that I couldn't handle; I just wish they didn't trust me quite so much." :P
Aside from the sleeping all day, today is shaping up to be rather good. I managed to meet![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
timarok and girlie-dono (heretofore known as McManuMike) for coffee and conversation before they squirrelled off to the movies, and now I'm in QT9 awaiting trepidatiously as M and sundart attempt to make golabki. (huh, that's how you spell it. I always thought it was golumki. At least that's what it sounds like. Ah, Polish cuisine.)
Aw, it was snowing frantically for a minute and then it stopped. Stupid New England weather.
But yeah... I don't know. I've been thinking about things. I had quite a rumination session (that sounds an awful lot like I was digesting grass with four stomachs, doesn't it?) last night upon the meaning of the Death card in tarot. For the obvious reasons to be sure, but also for the fact that I remembered that getting the death card in a reading does not necessarily mean a physical one. Ie, not so much with the ZOMG SOMEONE'S GONNA DIE HOLY CRAPZ. Instead it usually means transition, a closing of one door and an opening of another, a change that is being resisted or is drastic, a moving to another mode of being. The death symbolizes an end, but also a new beginning. I've felt through most of this year that I was actually in this weird place of transition, or that I needed to change some things in my life but that certain things are holding me back from doing anything too drastic. Not that I was seriously thinking of shaving my head and joining the hare krishnas. Well okay, I was thinking about the shaving the head, but only cause I miss actually being able to brush my hair. :) Not enough to actually do anything about it though. *chuckle*
But back on topic... over the past month I've realized that I had a few expectations of what I thought my life would be like right now, and consequently what I wanted from it. Several things (no I'm not elaborating farther than that) have made me realize that I need to let go quite a few of those expectations and desires, which has been a pretty painful process for me over the past couple of months. In a way it's like mourning a death, but what kinda made it harder was that I didn't realize (or more accurately didn't let myself realize) how deep some of these things went and letting them go, letting them die as it were, left some nasty wounds that are only just now healing to the point where they don't start bleeding again at the slightest provocation. The thing is I'm now left with these spaces that I need to fill with new dreams and desires, but I haven't found any that quite fit yet. I know taking up writing again will probably fill in some of it, and helpingmorlock get Secret Level off the ground will also fill some of it, but I'm not really sure about the rest, and I'm also not sure how this will all fit in with the role I play in so many people's lives. How do I take care of myself and my own struggle for personal growth, and not let down the people that depend on me?
I know one of the things I've been craving lately is simplicity, or even normalcy, which is weird for me. I tend to thrive in overwhelmingly complicated situations, but I guess I'm kinda burnt out on it. Probably not permanently;morlock did point out recently that I'd get bored, but I guess my brain and my body need a break. Hence withdrawing into my own company (and my own computer, ha ha) more often than not lately - it's easier than delving into the storm of various people's emotional states that I find going outside of well, the Bolthole. I swear, if this keeps up I'm going to end up being the spectre in the attic of whatever house the Amoeba finds to live in this summer like in Jane Eyre, only, you know, not homicidally crazy. Well, I hope not anyway.
The question is how to make things simpler for myself while keeping on with everything else? Is that even possible? I haven't figured it out yet. Hence the proliferation of thinky thinky. Or maybe overthinky thinky.
That's all really, other than idly wondering if the office voice mail flooded after V's obituary hit the paper.
Really my weekend's been a wash, much like the rest of the previous week. I spent much of it vegging out and sleeping, which I suppose isn't bad in the finally getting some much needed rest department, but not so good in the getting things done one. Definitely too much in the overthinking things. I've concluded that one of the Universe's bitchier habits is throwing curveballs to my gut, giving me a month or so to recover, and then once I finally feel stable enough to handle life again, pitching another one. It's sort of like that saying, modified here for Christian bias: "The powers that be wouldn't send me anything that I couldn't handle; I just wish they didn't trust me quite so much." :P
Aside from the sleeping all day, today is shaping up to be rather good. I managed to meet
timarok and girlie-dono (heretofore known as McManuMike) for coffee and conversation before they squirrelled off to the movies, and now I'm in QT9 awaiting trepidatiously as M and sundart attempt to make golabki. (huh, that's how you spell it. I always thought it was golumki. At least that's what it sounds like. Ah, Polish cuisine.)Aw, it was snowing frantically for a minute and then it stopped. Stupid New England weather.
But yeah... I don't know. I've been thinking about things. I had quite a rumination session (that sounds an awful lot like I was digesting grass with four stomachs, doesn't it?) last night upon the meaning of the Death card in tarot. For the obvious reasons to be sure, but also for the fact that I remembered that getting the death card in a reading does not necessarily mean a physical one. Ie, not so much with the ZOMG SOMEONE'S GONNA DIE HOLY CRAPZ. Instead it usually means transition, a closing of one door and an opening of another, a change that is being resisted or is drastic, a moving to another mode of being. The death symbolizes an end, but also a new beginning. I've felt through most of this year that I was actually in this weird place of transition, or that I needed to change some things in my life but that certain things are holding me back from doing anything too drastic. Not that I was seriously thinking of shaving my head and joining the hare krishnas. Well okay, I was thinking about the shaving the head, but only cause I miss actually being able to brush my hair. :) Not enough to actually do anything about it though. *chuckle*
But back on topic... over the past month I've realized that I had a few expectations of what I thought my life would be like right now, and consequently what I wanted from it. Several things (no I'm not elaborating farther than that) have made me realize that I need to let go quite a few of those expectations and desires, which has been a pretty painful process for me over the past couple of months. In a way it's like mourning a death, but what kinda made it harder was that I didn't realize (or more accurately didn't let myself realize) how deep some of these things went and letting them go, letting them die as it were, left some nasty wounds that are only just now healing to the point where they don't start bleeding again at the slightest provocation. The thing is I'm now left with these spaces that I need to fill with new dreams and desires, but I haven't found any that quite fit yet. I know taking up writing again will probably fill in some of it, and helping
morlock get Secret Level off the ground will also fill some of it, but I'm not really sure about the rest, and I'm also not sure how this will all fit in with the role I play in so many people's lives. How do I take care of myself and my own struggle for personal growth, and not let down the people that depend on me? I know one of the things I've been craving lately is simplicity, or even normalcy, which is weird for me. I tend to thrive in overwhelmingly complicated situations, but I guess I'm kinda burnt out on it. Probably not permanently;
morlock did point out recently that I'd get bored, but I guess my brain and my body need a break. Hence withdrawing into my own company (and my own computer, ha ha) more often than not lately - it's easier than delving into the storm of various people's emotional states that I find going outside of well, the Bolthole. I swear, if this keeps up I'm going to end up being the spectre in the attic of whatever house the Amoeba finds to live in this summer like in Jane Eyre, only, you know, not homicidally crazy. Well, I hope not anyway.The question is how to make things simpler for myself while keeping on with everything else? Is that even possible? I haven't figured it out yet. Hence the proliferation of thinky thinky. Or maybe overthinky thinky.
That's all really, other than idly wondering if the office voice mail flooded after V's obituary hit the paper.
