whizzTHUNK

[kjpepper]

I honestly don't see how people can watch TV without a fully loaded Nerf gun. It enhances my viewing experience astronomically.

Try it at home. Go to Walmart or Target. Buy Nerf revolvers and an extra pack of ammo. Return home. Turn on broadcast TV. Assign point values for things that annoy you. Fire at will. Savor the unique whizzTHUNK of dart hitting TV and sticking. You will exit your TV experience with a feeling of satisfaction and inner peace.

Some favorite targets around here:

• e-Harmony couples. Double points for getting their obnoxious founder in the head.
  
  
• Gaudy jewelry commercials. Cause every kiss does NOT begin with Kay damn it, and we don't give a shit if He Went To Jared.
  
  
• People in denial about getting old. Some examples: Just for Men, any goo that is marked as "age defying wrinkle liquifier", erectile dysfunction remedies.
  
  
• Flava Flav. It doesn't matter what he's doing, that ugly muffka gets shot regardless. Old Public Enemy videos excepted.
  
  
• Weight loss products of any stripe.This includes Special K.
  
  
• Bob. New Englanders need no other explanation. Those commercials are a crime against furniture.
  
  
• Above the Influence and Truth commercials. I suspect a hidden agenda with them because I SWEAR every time one comes on I have this sudden urge to start smoking pot and/or cigarettes out of spite.
  
  
• Ads for restaurant chains that are nowhere near Northampton. Prime offenders being Sonic (nearest one is 200 miles away) and up until very recently, Red Robin. NOT YOUR MARKET OH GOD SHUT UP.

ETA: What would you shoot?

Comments

[pookajuice.livejournal.com]

TELL ME I can metaquote you, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!

[kjpepper.livejournal.com]

go for it. :)

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

When you said "Bob" I thought of the grinning man in those bizarrely Freudian commercials for schlong embiggenment. That guy gets the guns-akimbo treatment. Him and those fucking bears that shit in the woods and then use Charmin.

I need jewelry commercials! How would I know what time of year it was if I couldn't keep track of the Wad o' Diamonds calendrical landmarks? I'd be lost without them. (When did Mother's Day become another holiday to guilt trip men about their girlfriends or wives? It's no longer about your actual mother, but rather about The Mother Of YOUR Child, who you should buy MORE rocks for, or you will fail some more at love. Those rocks we told you to buy for Valentine's Day buy only a finite amount of love and sex, you know. Hurry and top yours up before the looming gem-holiday dry season!)

[kjpepper.livejournal.com]

ZOMG I FORGOT THOSE CREEPY CHARMIN BEARS! Who the hell does a line dance after taking a crap! Seriously?

And re jewelry ads (*wince*) I know someone on my flist has that family guy Zales parody which shows the sillhouette of the girl with the giant rock on her hand slowly dropping to her knees before the man who gave it to her, and then it cuts to "ZALES - She'll pretty much have to."

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

And they all hang out with each other while they're shitting, too, it would seem. Or Dad checks on the little bears? WHAT THE HELL.

I'm always offended by the "problems" ads create so they can offer their products as solutions. It just seems so artificial and shallow, and I think a lot of the ads we hate are the ones that assume we have a very low intelligence, actively condescend to us, or try to exacerbate our problems so they can exploit them (okay, I guess that's all of them). Then I go all anthropological on the ads to analyze why they consider these things to even BE problems, which is definitely not what they want me to do if I'm gonna buy their shit.

(Although I've got to say that for the "creating a problem" portion of advertising, nothing can beat Volvo's ad for its S80, the one that shows off their spiffy new heartbeat detector that tells you if the legendary Guy In The Backseat is waiting in your car. "Buy this product or you will be ugly, uncool, unhappy, and uncomfortable" is taken to whole new levels with "Buy this car or you will be RAPED AND DISMEMBERED, AND YOUR SKIN WILL POSSIBLY BE ADDED TO BUFFALO BILL'S LADYSUIT." (Also, my folklore professor was thrilled that people made a safety feature based on an urban legend.))

[kjpepper.livejournal.com]

okay I had to read that last paragraph out loud to sydneycat so we could both screech with laughter.

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

... And I forgot to mention that the Family Guy Zales parody? Painfully true.

[austingoddess.livejournal.com]

I avoid TV for that very reason: don't need the unnecessary stoopid.

During the 2000 presidential "election", we pelted the screen with diapers whenever Bush's face appeared on the screen. (My goddaughter was living with me at the time and they were handy. And appropriate.)

[athene.livejournal.com]

that crazy infomercial guy who's aways shouting about Oxyclean or whatever they have him promotting.

[harinezumi.livejournal.com]

One of the nice things about getting all your TV from bittorrent is forgetting how annoying all the commercials used to be.

[nekosensei.livejournal.com]

Head-On...apply directly to the forehead...
*starts throwing darts at the tv*

By the way, this post is hysterical. I'm wondering if I should invest in a Nerf gun and take it with me on anime night (every Wednesday) and shoot the screen whenever my friends play bad anime.

[masteradept.livejournal.com]

James Patterson books...WTF!! DiaF!!

E-Harmony and the other ones...all can goto Hell!!

As much as I love L&O & CSI I hate the commercials on cable, I hate the Horatio and his Sunglasses bit, I hate the CI Usa spot.

Those electronic bug get rid of things...Yea gross. Same with the new Orkin comms with the human sized Termite.

Sonic also..cause the nearest one is 45 minutes min from us...and those shakes look SO GOOD.

[quettalinde.livejournal.com]

Found you through metaquotes…

There's a local furniture chain here run by a middle-aged Indian guy (I have nothing against Indians, but it helps with the image here) who dresses up as various media icons (Donald Trump, Superman, Jack Sparrow) and spouts catch phrases and bad puns in a strong Indian accent in front of a low-budget camera crew. Him I would gladly shoot.

Also, e-Harmony for sure, LavaLife, and all other dating/relationship ads (No, do not want a relationship, stop telling me I do); Shaw commercials (If they were people powered, would I be on hold for half an hour trying to find out why my internet connection keeps disappearing?); and the newest CheezWhiz ad, because CheezWhiz has altogether the wrong kind of personality for me.

[morlock.livejournal.com]

...the indian guy sounds entertaining...

[quettalinde.livejournal.com]

On a good day, yes. Normally it feels like one of those B-movies that could be entertaining if they'd had a bit more budget, but as it is, it's kind of flat and a little nauseating. Like Plan 9.

[morlock.livejournal.com]

[sydneycat.livejournal.com]

You forgot Good Old Tom!!!!

[extrajoker.livejournal.com]

I can't call any TV Toms to mind. Show or commercial?

[sydneycat.livejournal.com]

You might not get it...it's for a pawn shop in CT.

[johannah-rose.livejournal.com]

There is a Red Robin in the Albany area and there is a rumor of Sonic coming here too.

They are inching closer to you.

[birkwelch.livejournal.com]

OK, I kind of wish I had a Nerf Uzi for pretty much any ad for financial services or medications with 400,000 side effects that sound worse than the condition that the pills are supposed to treat. But especially the first, when they print that the interest rate for their service is 98% and act like they're helping.

Actually, if I could buy grenades in baker's dozens from the nearest bakery, I'd start tossing them at every payday/title loan business I see... and I'd probably run out of money long before I ran out of targets.