Today will be better than yesterday

[kjpepper]

The icon doesn't really have much to do with anything, I just never use it.

Crashed at 8 last night. I think I told morlock to wake me up for Lost, but I think considering my general state yesterday, he must have figured it was the better part of valor to let me sleep. I can't say he was wrong, I kinda felt like the duck at the end of Bill Bailey's "Love Ballad." You know, "The duck lies shredded into a pancake... soaking in the hoisin of your lies..." Of course, finally remembering that I still have Ativan in the house and taking some probably helped hasten and maintain my unconsciousness. Ah well. It's DVRed; I'll watch it later today after my cat scan.

Yesterday I'd had no caffiene, a pretty rude shock to the system (self inflicted but still horrid), a several hour crying jag, and just in general went through the day with a throbbing headache, while once again thinking too much. There were good points too, little ones... going to Local Burger with Carole, getting cubic shittons of boxes and a brief visit from the Foole. And amidst all that panicked thinking at forty two million miles an hour, several good things rolled to the surface. I did reconnect with space_craft, which I'd been meaning to do for a while. I continued to think about Nevershire and came up with more ideas for it (I think it's going to end up being a web comic due to the sheer amount of visual and geek jokes that are gonna end up involved). morlock and I managed to have a long conversation without fighting (okay, granted I was sobbing my face off at the time but I still consider it an achievement.) And I processed some stuff online with htl_1126, masteradept, verbena76 and bluewindkitsune.

The main thing (and I'm sorry if I scared anyone with my entries yesterday) is I need to get on out, or make progress towards doing so. I told the Foole I'd be ready to start moving stuff to Hadley week after next (by the way, if anyone else would like to donate a couple of hours and some car space, I'd be deeply appreciative), so that's a week's worth of packing up my shit to look forward to. and then once that's done, I'm out. It's past time, if my own unraveling mental state and that of those around me are any indication. I can't really hope to have any sort of new beginning succeed while I still live up in the smoldering corpse of an old dream, one that I'm still clinging to, honestly. Considering where my head is, there are some ongoing projects that I don't feel like I can willfully dedicate myself to until this chapter is officially closed and the page turned. So the job and to-do list for right now is get my scheduled medical fu dealt with, go shopping for this weekend, rise to expectations at the Flea, work like a fiend, pack like my life depended on it, file my taxes and not really worry about anything else until mission has been accomplished... anything else at this point can wait until I'm ready to deal with it.

What I'd LOVE to deal with right now is some breakfast. Stupid "nothing but liquids past 5am" restriction. Stupid cat scan. Grr.

A note about yesterday though: I'm honestly pretty amazed that most of the comments to my lapses in moral judgement with respect to information don't condemn me for what I've done. I know what I do isn't okay, and while the understanding and support is good in terms of I'm not a total freak of nature concerning this, I'm really kinda boggled that there aren't more "wow, that was jackasslike" comments there. Eh, I don't know. I usually expect more of a balance of good and bad comments, but know how hard it is to be the person saying "no, you're an asshat" goodness knows I've kept quiet on so many things in other people's journals about things I didn't agree with or that bothered me rather than "start a fight" or just offer criticism. So... I don't know. If it's so hard for me to remember that other people are wearing their big kid underwear, I can hardly expect people to remember the same for me.

Argh. okay, time to get dressed. :P

Comments

[nounsandverbs]

I'm really kinda boggled that there aren't more "wow, that was jackasslike" comments there.

It's obvious that's how YOU think of what you did. No one else needs to tell you you were being an asshat. And since it's decidedly not the first time, you know perfectly well what this particular brand of asshattedness will do to you emotionally. Therefore I can only conclude that there is a part of you -- perhaps a small part, but a part nonetheless -- that actually kinda likes the emotional upheaval.

That's not uncommon, either. Many people -- almost all of us at times -- like to see how many jolts we can take of the emotional bug-zapper. It's an addiction. Like all addictions, it can be broken. But you have to want to.

[verbena76.livejournal.com]

Depending upon when, I might be able to help move boxes. Kyle has a trunk big enough to put at least one body in.

[11th-letter.livejournal.com]

My interest in what you did isn't in terms of ethical judgement...as my esteemed colleague above noted, you are more than capable of providing your own. I can certainly hypothosize circumstances under which I would use any means necessary to get information I thought I needed, so it would be hypocritical of me to condemn you in any case. (These days, I have plenty of information directly in my face without looking for it that sends me into emotional meltdowns and thinking too much...and that too is my choice not to look away.)
The point of interest for me is the information itself. I gather from what you've said here about it that what upset you was someone's negative statements/feelings about you. Now, certainly we would all prefer that those we care about think well of us at all times, and see us as we like to see ourselves. But that just isn't how the world works. Certainly some of the things that you think/feel about others are things that they disagree with, and might be hurt/offended/angry that you think that way. But you have a right to your own point of view and opinion, yes?

[kjpepper.livejournal.com]

K, your perspective bat is clearly longer stronger and more fearsome (and awesome) than any I have ever seen before. Thank you for that, I think between this and harinezumi's comments, something got through.

[11th-letter.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the compliment about my perspective...it is hard won, and harder than it looks. (I beat the crap out of myself with it, to be sure.)
There are a lot of things I do not comment on, for reasons of my own...I am pleased to have been of service in this case.

[kshandra]

The icon doesn't really have much to do with anything, I just never use it.

And I'm glad you did, 'cause I was just bemoaning the fact that I didn't have it yesterday....

[padparadscha.livejournal.com]

Sounds like getting out is the best thing right now.

I honestly didn't know enough about what was going on to form much of an opinion. Except that I can't say I wouldn't do the same, since I am always looking for MOAR information. So ... *shrug* there didn't seem to be anything to say.