wrap-up

Nothing like sleeping the rock-like sleep of the utterly depressed.

I'm not exactly alive, awake, alert, or enthusiastic right now, but I'm glad I got 7 hours of sleep - considering all the crap I now have to do, I'll be lucky if I sleep at all between now and graduation. (yes, I know, harinezumi, ganbare. :) )

It's funny, right before all of this majorly threw up at my feet the dean informed me, quite seriously, that I was no longer allowed to have problems. The universe is not without its own sick sense of irony. :)

So, there's that... there's also the bit where I don't really know what I want to do with this circlejerkcircus in front of me, as I can't neatly ignore it. A lot of it I can't really do anything about at this point. But I honestly wasn't setting out to hurt anyone. Not her, not him... I made some bad decisions based on some flawed information, and I've attempted to fix the outcomes of said decisions. Essentially, the only thing I've really done majorly wrong at this instance is break two promises that I made to two people I cared about, which I've completely taken responsibility for and accepted the consequences. However, that is all I am taking responsibility for. The rest isn't mine. Not whether he decides to continue splitting the truth down the middle and only letting us see half of it apiece. And definitely not her doing something silly like taking her life like she's threatening (again). That decision is entirely on her - she may think we're the reasons, but the action and the responsibility are her own. Not to mention that she isn't entirely blameless here either. Despite what any of us want to think, there are no saints and no true martyrs in this situation.

I'm not angry anymore... just strangely resigned.

This morning I got up and read the short notes and comments of support, smiling at the expected advice phrased in amusing ways. It's good to know that there are people to take care of me, and thanks for the words... however keep in mind that you are only seeing one side of it - mine. And just because you guys are my friends doesn't make my side necessarily the right one. (Even if it feels like it.)

Anyway, I can't write about this anymore. I don't have time. (I have too many women...) But I'll certainly be thinking about it because I can't help but do anything else.

Especially for sundart and <user site="livejournal.com" user="i

http://www.subversivecrossstitch.com/

hee hee hee. Happy Fucking Holidays!

also took the Freak test... scored 38.775510204082. (Is the glass of Kool-Aid half full or half empty? Or is it swirling with pretty colors?)

Letting go

It belittles you to belittle me
Your indecision won't set you free
Your need to hold on is pure insanity
Ands you're bringing it down on me

There's a hunger in your soul
And I know you know
There's an aching to behold
And I know you know
There's a weakness you can't control
Now why can't you let go?
Let go

It poisons you to poison me
Have you lost all sight of what you really see?
You're screaming words better left unsaid
And you're taking it out on me

There's a hunger in your soul
And I know you know
There's an aching to behold
And I know you know
There's a weakness you can't control
Now why can't you let go?
Let go

It hinders you to hinder me
You've lost all touch with reality
You've lost all sight of what you used to believe
And you're bringing it down on me

There's a hunger in your soul
And I know you know
There's an aching to behold
And I know you know
There's a weakness you can't control
Now why can't you let go?
Let go

*shakes head* okay, the universe is categorically banned from commenting any further about this. *sigh* Especially when I have to type out lyrics verbatim, which I hate.

Class now

Once again, in 4 part harmony and with feeling.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

Sweet Jesus, I am so tired of running scared all of the time, especially when what I'm scared of turns out to not be such a big fucking deal.

I refuse to wear Fear's collar. I will not be Her bitch again. She is not worthy of my service.

Hell, I'm sick of service to everything and everybody. Maybe it is real, righteous anger at what happens to those who surrender that turns halfhearted, unwilling subs into bitching hardassed tops. Worth a thought, especially as someone who brands herself a Switch.

In rejecting Fear, I gain Control.

That's all I ever really wanted anyway.

So. A resounding fuck you for being scared. I'm done with that, done with hiding from myself, from my life, from the judgements of others. Done with embracing uncontrolled chaos because I'm too chicken to pick a true direction.

Ganbare, indeed.

Big Ship Sinking

I'd forgotten that I meant to post something at 2:02 am saying something smackass about how the Titanic sank at that moment ninety-two years ago. But I was sleeping.

ah well. Here's the planned interlude anyway, 11 hours late.

*guzzle* *sings raucously*

Hey, they built the ship Titanic, to sail the ocean blue.
A sadder ship the waters never knew
It was on its maiden trip, that an iceberg hit the ship -
It was sad when the great ship went down.

It was sad (it was sad!)
It was sad (so goddamn sad!)
It was sad when the great ship went down (to the bottom of the....)
Uncles and aunts, little children lost their pants -
It was sad when the great ship went down.

They were not far from the shore, 'bout a thousand miles or more,
When the rich refused to mingle with the poor.
So they threw them down below, where they were the first to go.
It was sad when the great ship went down.

It was sad (it was sad!)
It was sad (so goddamn sad!)
It was sad when the great ship went down (to the bottom of the....)
Husbands and wives, little children lost their lives -
It was sad when the great ship went down.

I find myself wondering is somewhere down the line there will be an equally smackass song about 9/11. Considering humans have this extremely sick habit of making tragedy into high comedy... I look forward to it.

oh hell, late to class.

Demons

Boy, you can just tell I was having one of those cerebral thinking too hard days. Posted a cubic shitload. *sigh* That's how I process shit, write it down...

Got my marching orders for my two Compsci classes and that means I'll be hellawickedmad busy this weekend. Perversely, I'm kinda looking forward to this. Tomorrow is two more classes, one more meeting with the dean, another meeting with one of my compsci profs... no, not gonna freak. Not going to think about it until tomorrow when I have to deal, too much energy required to not freak about this. So tonight I just stick to the few little things I have to accomplish before tomorrow. Including my Science fiction reading, which I hadn't gotten to due to my Octavia Butler induced tizzy. OMG, I met Octavia Butler on Monday! Wow...

This has been one hell of a long shitty week tho. Yesterday was plain awful/You can say that again/Yesterday was plain awful/But that's/Not now/That's then... (points to whoever gets the reference). May it die quickly, painlessly, mercifully.

In other news, should I indeed survive this and come out the other side with a diploma... definitely getting that kanji tattoo. Methinks I must talk to Jeremy soon.

On a related but not really note, sundart and I just got back from Hellboy. That was a fun movie, and we got some kicks out of thinking that they just cast Ron Perlman in the lead because all the makeup guys had to do was give him pointy ears and horns and dye him red - he's already ugly enough for the role. :) That and we kept snickering every time Rasputin showed up on screen - the character looks exactly like captainlove except in a big fur dress and a bad accent. (I must tell him that next time I see him.) Other than that it was a fun watch, if not exactly memorable - they could have done a bit more with the supporting cast I think... I was especially fond of the water guy, Abe Sapiens... he seemed to be channeling C-3PO, Data, and Lennier all at once... and a bit of Buffy trivia, being a water creature he was doing these oddly graceful things with his hands that were naggingly familiar and so I looked the actor up on IMDb and he was one of the Gentlemen! No wonder. Other than being slightly disappointed with the score (very generic "looky looky, another comic book gone to the big screen!"), sundart and I liked it. Oh, if anyone out there hasn't see it yet, stay through the first set of credits. There's a loose end there that's massively funny.

Oh, and boy does Van Helsing look like a FUN movie.... mmm, Hugh Jackman. Mmm, Kate Beckinsale. God, I love being bisexual. :)

Completely random note - discovered I have Scampi memorized. As if I needed to add another repetitive annoying song to my repartory. I swear, weebl and bob are going to be vilified for bringing about the next generation of irritating camp songs. I can just see a busload of third graders singing Kenya on a class trip somewhere.

Another completely random note... hmm, feeling the need to throw all of the Drowning Pool, Disturbed, Stabbing Westward and Fiction 8 into a mix, with a little Rob Zombie for flavor. Let go and let the bodies hit the floor, cause you can't even save yourself. Oooh-ah-ah-ah-ah!

Need to drink water tonight. Too much caffeine consumption this week, and it's catching up with me. oogy tummy.