Everything's going fuckobazoo!

Going? *hysterical giggling*

School's fucked up and I've got three more weeks of purgatory before it's over.

Mom's in the hospital again, and the rest of the family's pretty pissed off at me for, for all intents and purposes, "disappearing" this semester.

I've just given up someone I still love fiercely.

I've also managed to recently betray two people whose trust is/was important to me, and even though I don't much like being held at arms length, I know I deserve it. Still, not fun.

Well. Let's see if shit gets any worse, shall we? Lets see... tomorrow, the house will burn down, sundart will tell me I'm a horrendous person and leave me, I'll permanently lose my hearing, and will wake up to the heartwarming sight of a huge patch of sentient green gray mold on my bedroom wall. And everyone will be cooey, sympathetic, and utterly nice to me and I'll just respond by having a nervous breakdown.

someone stab me in the head with a fork. I'm done. Like a potato. Except... no bacon bits... And what is sadder than a potato with no bacon bits?

Random thought from a (temporarily) decaffienated head...

What if instead of the seven deadly sins

Lust
Wrath
Gluttony
Avarice
Sloth
Pride
Envy

you took the five stages of grief

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

and made a Se7en-like movie about them? Paging David Fincher...

questions that have no answers

how do you tell a class dean that yes you have seriously fucked up your classwork because you were too fucking scared to actually go tell people you were having serious trouble and needed help? How do you then convince her that you still want to finish this with some measure of decent grades and a chance to actually march to the goddamn bagpipes instead of wanting to smash something every time you hear Scotland the Brave?

how do you tell a seriously ill woman that you still love her after you have studiously avoided her calls, email, and letters for three months, scared that she'd think less of you for not being able to get your shit together on time? How do you make that sound convincing when all evidence points to the contrary?

How do you tell a new friend that you've been dishonest about the one thing that it was crucial that you be honest about? How do you explain that both the truth and the lie were equally hurtful? How do you admit you made a mistake and not have them hate you for it?

How do you reach out to an old friend/sister who no longer trusts you when she's going through her own very tangible personal pain?

How can you keep from shutting out the one person who would willingly go to hell for you and back because she's become yet another person you feel you shouldn't disappoint?

How do you convince yourself that it is possible to rise from the ashes of a broken heart? And how do you accomplish such a thing?

Do keyboards short circuit if you cry on them?

Why does it always take everything completely falling apart at once to spur me into fixing the shit that's wrong with me?

I need coffee.

We interrupt this angst to bring you an odd question

okay. has anyone heard The Tamperer's "Feel it?" (It's a club version of the Jackson's "Feel It" except with a different vocal track). If you do any gay clubbing or just clubbing in general you've probably heard this thing. Anyway, it's got this chick singing some nonsense that every time I hear it I'm like "What... the... fuck?"

Well I'm not blaming you
But she's still hanging round
And she's so crazy I'll tell you now I just don't trust her
She thinks she's right on time
But I think she crossed the line
And I'm ready for the light
I'm ready if it's fighting time

What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her?

Someone PLEASE explain the chimney if possible. Your explanation need not either make sense or be accurate, I just want an explanation. Any explanation.

Thanks.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled wibbling and angst.

A comment on my life right now.

As the walls are closing in
And the colors fade to black
And my eyes are falling fast and deep into me
And I follow the tracks that lead me down
And I never follow what's right
And they wonder sometimes when they see all the
Sadness and pain that truth brings to light

'Cause I can't see no reason
What is blind cannot see
'Cause I want what is pleasing
All I take should be free
What I rob from the innocent ones
What I'd steal from the womb

If I cried me a river of all my confessions
Would I drown in my shallow regret?

As the walls are closing in
And the colors fade to black
And my eyes are falling fast and deep into the sea
And in darkness all that I can see
The frightened and the weak
Are forced to cling to mistakes they know nothing of
At mercy are the meek

'Cause I can't see no reason
What is blind cannot see
'Cause I want what is pleasing
All I take should be free
What I rob from the innocent ones
What I'd steal from the womb

If I cried me a river of all my confessions
Would I drown in my shallow regret?

Probably not the best song to be anticipating a dean meeting to... but oh, so apt right now...

Why everything RIGHT THE FUCK NOW?

*ignoring the little voice that tells me this is my own making*

WHAT THE FUCK?

That's it, I've completely had it.

I'm going to tell this story with no names. Those who know the story, those who are in the story (and who are reading this), and those who have a pretty damn good idea of who I'm talking about know of what I speak, and I need not get more public than that, especially as I suck at being vague. All questions pertaining to "is this referring to so and so" will be studiously ignored - if you know, you know, and if you don't, don't ask.

I told a pretty flagrant lie three weeks ago. The motivations weren't great, but I told myself it was necessary to preserve everyone's sanity. I didn't want to deal with the effects the truth might have on Person-Lied-To, Person-Lied-To would be spared another nervous breakdown over a situation that was quite frankly none of their making but that Person-Lied-For was making worse all on their own, Person-Lied-For got a break from dealing with the situation which was driving them to distraction as well (never mind that it was initially their lying that had gotten us all into this in the first place). However, the truth was majorly upsetting Person-Lied-To... so... *sigh* Charming, I know, but we're human and we're nasty little buggers, and I hate conflict and confrontation and run from it, anyone who knows me well knows this. I'm a coward. It's not the best aspect of my personality, but here I am putting it out there, and attempting to deal with it.

This situation did not wear well on my conscience, and in fact turned into yet another thing stressing me out this month on top of everything else. I was making efforts to deal effectively with my bullshit all day today (which included dealing with my mother for the first time in months, and with the class dean to sort out my class fuckery, but more about that later) so when Person-Lied-To asked me straight up whether I had indeed lied about such and such thing, as I'd hinted at it in my LJ this morning, I quieted the little crew of Monty Python's Knights of the Round Table telling me to "Run Away! Run Away!" and answered; yes I had, here's why, I'm sorry.

Get a few emails back, with the expected angry reactions, that was fine, no more, no less than I deserved. The last one piqued me a bit, as Person-Lied-To had apparently called Person-Lied-For, who told Person-Lied-To that I was lying.

(Is this reminding anyone else of that scene in Labyrinth where Sarah has to pick one of two doors, one of which leads to the castle and the other to Certain Death?)

Okay, that I could deal with as well. Wasn't happy about it, but nyeh. Write Person-Lied-To a short note, saying blah blah blah, don't expect you to believe me considering, but it was weighing on me for a little while, had to tell you, do with the info what you will, wish you all the best. Not the best outcome to the situation as I lost a potential new friend, but that was my fault, I shouldn't have lied in the first place, of course it wasn't going to be pretty when it finally came out, of course there would be some measure of sheer hell to pay. Point was, it was off of my conscience, I'd done my best to finally do right by Person-Lied-To in the end... okay. End of story, right?

Nope, gets better.

Come home, check the messages, find two irate ones from Person-Lied-For, both timestamped BEFORE I'd even sent a reply back to Person-Lied-To. Last one was priceless. "Andee, I'd appreciate it if you'd give me a call, I'd also appreciate it if you'd STOP FUCKING WITH (Person-Lied-To)'s HEAD, we had an agreement, and I need you to stick with it..." blah blah blah, didn't really hear the rest I was still too busy scraping my jaw off the floor.

Fucking with Person-Lied-To's head?

*shakes with anger*

I'm not saying I'm guiltless here, I'm trying to fucking fix something I majorly fucked up. Instead I get accused of playing head games FROM THE PERSON ORCHESTRATING THE HEAD GAMES IN THE FIRST PLACE.

dot. dot. dot.

I so don't need this right now, especially not from Person-Lied-For. And I'm not calling back. You wanna play games that's fine. But I'm done playing them for you, and I will not be on the receiving end of your misguided wrath, even if it does kill me to know you're pissed at me. Whatever. I've made my own choices and boy howdy, am I paying my own prices. Fucking pay yours for a change.