kjpepper | Size matters

So I seem to have dropped about fifteen pounds. Hos 1 and 2 have been telling me and telling me that my ass has been getting smaller, but I vehemently denied this information. I was presented with some incontrovertible evidence yesterday and this morning - one. my army issue cargo pants which were only a mite too big when I got them about nine months ago are now barely hanging on to my hips with the pockets empty, and completely falling off with the pockets full. What the fuck? two, I noticed this morning that the stretch marks around my arms have returned with a vengeance.

I am worried about this. I am worried because the loss is unexpected. It could be because of all the biking I've been doing, but it could also be that I've caught

sundart's Wasting Butt Disease. It could also be that I just haven't been eating as much, but that's becuase everything I eat makes me kinda queasy lately. It could be all three. I don't really know. I'm worried because part of me really wants to lose weight, and I'm also worried because another part of me really doesn't. I'm worried because there is all this cultural bullshit surrounding the fact that thin=pretty, and by unexpectedly dropping some weight, I feel like I'm selling out all the fat girls I know and love, and I also worry that if I lose any more, continuing to say "Hooray for the fat girls!" is going to sound a lot like Michael Jackson saying "I'm proud to be a black man." I'm worried about the fact that parts of me haven't let go of the bullshit memetic programming, and despite all my efforts to counteract the effects of cultural norms on myself and accepting the word "fat" as a good thing, they rise up to kill me whenever there's a noticable fluctuation in either direction. I'm worried because if I do continue to dwindle in size, I'll have all these stretch marks and loose skin flaps to contend with, and that certainly isn't considered attractive either. And I'm truly annoyed about the fact that I feel the need to devote brainspace to the universal significance of a possible 15 pound loss.

And now I have to go to work. *sigh*

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i would say it's probably the exercise. by the sounds of your journal recently, it's quite a workout to go up that hill on a bike, especially with groceries. also, most people eat less in summer anyway and you've been eating less because it makes you queasy. not surprising that you've lost some weight. as long as it's not too rapid (i forget what the numbers are for what percentage per week you can safely lose), then it's not really a big problem health-wise.

as for the guilt- you're not betraying your values. weight fluctuates over time. you're not losing weight from any societal pressure, it's just happening naturally. one of your values that i've always admired you for is acceptance of the human body in whatever its natural shape and size is. accept yourself at whatever size you happen to be at the moment, hun. you're still you. *hug*

you're moving your body and sweating a lot and it's been waay too hot to eat properly for the last few weeks. i wouldn't be too alarmed, darling. i'm sure your body knows what it's doing.

It's far too late at night to discuss your ass. However. A) what they said, B) talk to me in person if you wanna, C) read Fat!So? and stop weeping.

D) everyone needs time to deal with cultural programming/deprogramming. I don't have time tonight to get into it. You just do what you gonna do and deal with whatever consequences arise. Okay, I _will_ go into it. Don't you think I look in the mirror and know certain things - like that most people would find me attractive (/give me a job/refrain from derision/give me societal goodies/etc) if I was a smaller size? Not like this discussion is about me, but if you didn't happen to notice, I'm fucking fat. *grin* I was just saying that there's a huge amount of abusive shit lying in the heart of even the most unrepentant fat grrl. Trick is just not feeling guilty about wanting to be accepted sometimes. Haven't you ever wanted to be in a different box than the one you're shoved into? Everyone needs to make the decisions that's right for them, whatever that means. I just know that for me, there's a price for everything, and physical and emotional comfort are two separate issues.

E) If you feel like your body is wise, then you win. Fat, not, both - let your body speak its mind if you want it to. Right now it says less ass. If you don't have a tapeworm, I think you aight.

F) "go fat girls" is not an insult. Since when did anyone kick nireena out of the fat girl club because she's adipose-impaired? Come on now. And as per Michael Jackson about a certain pigment issue - let's just say I'd hate to think that every time you looked at _me_ you wished I'd just take off that one silver glove already...

;)

... is to make sure that you're never happy about how you look. At my family's big 4th of July reunion, male cousins grabbed me around the waist and hugged me too much and the biggest asshole amongst them asked me how much weight I'd lost. I haven't lost a goddamned pound since senior year, in case anybody's interested, it's just redistributed itself as I got older. Fuckers.

But I digress. Scott just lost 40 lbs., and he's going to a dermatologist on Wednesday to see what he can do about his stretch marks. I figure you can either say "whoah, cool, look what my body just did" or you can be the kind of person who goes directly from worrying about their Big Fat Ass to worrying about fucking stretch marks. I suggest that you strive to be the former ^_^

--this is Lydia, my login seems to be screwed up

Size matters

no subject

yes, what she said

your ass

The whole point of the patriarchy...