Meander

Jangled nerves, a way-too-noisy head, and a moment straight out of the Secret Garden (Misselthwaite Manor this is not, but these walls, how they echo!) drove me to walk abroad tonight, ostensibly to hunt trains, but really to find peace of mind.

Alas, I didn't find either. Tonight must be a night where the train goes by at 1:30 as opposed to 11:30. S'all right, it won't be my last train hunt. But the walk, despite the achey knee and sore ankle, I think did me good. The noise in my head is... well, kinda clearer. Like if it were running through an old fashioned stereo, what would happen if you adjusted the Tone dial. You go from fuzzy noise to painfully clear noise. Of course, it's still noise.

I need to make a habit of taking walks I think. It's not healthy for a girl to stay cooped up in the house all the time, though she may want to. Besides, several of the little guys upstairs want me to think I have agoraphobia when I really don't.

It occurred to me that the last time I actually saw timarok was a year ago tomorrow. So much has changed since then... Hell, the last year was just chock full of upheaval, good and bad. Well, that which doesn't kill you right?

Off to find some nice comfy way of settling the nerves and shutting up the brain. Wish me luck.

and now, some sheep herding.

( abcdefg )

Some advice to give to my 16 year old self:
1) If you're going to lose your virginity, among other stupid ways to screw it up, leave yourself more than an hour and a half to do it in.
2) grow a set and fucking ask Wyeth out. For real. You'll regret it if you don't. Trust me.
3) Do your homework. It's not like you have the internet to distract you yet, just your own teenage bullshit to journal endlessly about.
4) Don't fight with your mother so much; you only get her for ten more years.

You are not welcome here.

Since there are more than one of you reading this that this applies to, I will say this out loud.

Stop it.

My journal is not a means of masturbating your own schadenfreude, sense of justice or self-pity/-righteousness, nor is it to be used to keep a tenuous link to other people that have washed their hands of you, so do not use it as such. "But it's public, and I can comment, and if you truly wanted to not hear what I have to say, you could make it a private post." Fuck that shit. You also have the freedom not to read. I can't stop you, but know that I don't think any more of you for doing so. Since I understand and have occupied the fucked up headspace from which the need to keep tabs on people that you claim to want nothing to do with comes, I feel I have the privilege of pitying you. Move on, get on with your life. Far away from me.

If you must stay and read, at least have the sense to not comment. Notice you can't here. Best to keep your mouth shut and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt, right?

End of transmission.

(no subject)

My temper is getting the better of me lately... little things pissing me off, little whipcrack quick lashes out at situation or people, and more often strangling back the urge to crush heads and tear out windpipes.

Anger is comfortable, though. Anger at least is an active emotion, as opposed to a passive one, like depression. Which is what I think is really fueling all of this, but I don't want to deal with that cause if I give in to the depression, I won't leave my house, or even my bed.

Sunny took me out to lunch and to open out joint bank account which made me feel a bit better. But...

*sigh* Shit.

bad thing about wearing sandals in summertime

why do bug bites itch MORE below the ankle?